The tricks the mind can play...

Now that school is officially done, I’ve been keeping busy by surrounding myself with Harry Potter reading. I borrowed some of the audiobooks on CD so that I can listen to them at work and almost every second that I have free is spent re-reading the first six books so that I can finally delve into the final book.

I’ve been trying like hell to keep my mind off the “Am I pregnant?” thoughts that keep flying around. I had strong cramps and pains all day Saturday and Sunday, but they’ve since disappeared. If I remember right, it happened last month too, but the months all blur into one another after a while. I’ve been trying to focus on the good aspects of this cycle (high progesterone, multiple follicles, high total sperm motility) and trying to forget about the doubt that still lingers in my head. I keep thinking “there’s just no reason it couldn’t work this month” but I know that there are plenty of reasons that it might not have worked. I guess the one consolation that I have right now is that I haven’t gotten that terrible pit in my stomach that says this cycle was a failure. I usually get it right about this time and so far, nothing. I’ve been trying to ‘make’ it appear, but either I am doing such a good job of being optimistic, or my intuition is telling me that it worked. I can’t quite tell yet. I looked at my chart last month and I had my usual ear pain on the same cycle day; I also remember being really upset because I had that failed-cycle feeling on the same day.

I do have a little bit of a migraine starting, which worries me. My pre-migraine aura is a sharp pain in my left ear, and it started this morning. I'm worried because it almost always precedes my period because of my estrogen dropping. I'm beyond worried now. I'm terrified. I hate these last few days. They're always such torture.

I'm starting to feel like it didn't work. It's not that 'I'm definitely not pregnant' feeling yet, but it's getting there. It's just a nagging feeling in the back of my head: it didn't work. Sigh. This isn't a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

Thoughts on testing...

I realized this morning that I hadn't really explained what I'm doing this month about testing.

I'm not.

Nope. No pregnancy tests this month at all. I used up the last test I had in the house during last cycle, so I vowed not to buy anymore. See, it's like this. The RE's office is going to make me get a blood test whether I get my period on August 3 or not. They need to run the test whether or not I am pregnant. If I'm pregnant, then GREAT! But if not, they won't let me start another cycle of meds until they run the beta to prove that I'm not pregnant. As I found out last month the hard way. So, rather than put myself through the heartache of seeing yet another BFN, I decided to wait for the beta and leave it at that. I figured if they're making me do it either way, I may as well give in and just have them run the test.

So that's it. I'm leaving it in their hands. I figured hearing the results over the phone can't be any worse than seeing another single line on a test. Plus, if it's positive, then it'll be nice to hear it from someone else so that I can make them convince me that it's true.

Playing the numbers game

I went this morning to have the monthly progesterone draw. I ended up taking E with me and the lab ladies just loved him. You know, he is just such a great kid. And although that makes me so happy, it makes me sad at the same time. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have TWO really great kids. Sigh. I just have to keep hoping and praying that it will happen again someday. Really. It will. Right?

Anyways, I’m waiting to hear back on what the progesterone results are for this cycle. Now, I know that the numbers don’t really mean anything, but it’s hard not to stop myself from hoping once the lab calls. Last month they were higher than usual, and that obviously didn’t really mean anything for me. They could be even higher this month, given the fact that I had two follicles growing and three on ‘back-up’. Those silly little follicles are what make the progesterone so logic would say that the numbers will be high. But my heart will start to think “Oooh, maybe the number is high because I’m pregnant! Yes, that’s got to be it!” It’s amazing that my heart and head don’t communicate properly anymore.

Wouldn't you know it, I just heard back from the nurse at the RE's office. My progesterone is at 38.3. Once again, much higher than last month. Oh, this numbers game is killing me.

Introducing the newest member of the alphabet soup

That pit in my stomach just got bigger. R reminded me that he is away on business for six days next month. It suddenly hit me WHEN he’s gone. You guessed it, right in the middle of next month’s cycle. The exact weekend when he’ll most likely be needed. I didn’t even know what to say when I realized it. The thought of taking a month off from TTC for his business trip makes me sick to my stomach. I felt a headache coming on as soon as I got off the phone with him. I’m just speechless. Part of me wants to say “Oh, hopefully we won’t need it!” but there’s a nagging part of me that says we will need it, that this month was just like the past 16 months. I don’t want that pessimistic part of me to come through. I want to believe that this was the month that actually worked, but I can’t yet. You want to know another reason why I hate working full-time? Because I can’t go home and wallow in my misery whenever I want. That sucks. I just want to be pissy and get it out of my system. I’ve said it a thousand times, but infertility just plain sucks. This constant scheduling and being at the whim of my body’s functions is just plain tiring and ridiculous.

And yet the other part of me wants to overanalyze all the little bits of ‘that’s not normal’ within my body. The fact that my boobs are much bigger than normal could either be a pregnancy sign or it could be a leftover symptom from the hCG shot. I just don’t know. That’s what just KILLS me. The waiting for failure or for confirmation is the worst part of this journey. The constant wondering, the constant little voice that says “Hmmm, what if?”.

So, I’ve made a pact with myself that I will not be hopeful or be pessimistic about this month. I am trying my damnedest to not think about it at all. I am just going to exist and face the reality that at this point, I have no control over what happens. Either I am pregnant or I’m not. Nothing I can do at this point will have an effect over that outcome. So I just have to wait it out.

And, speaking of waiting it out, it’s official: I now have my Masters degree. Can I tell you what a letdown this week has been? I had this thought that once Wednesday came and went I would feel so liberated. Being homework-free after almost two years was supposed to feel like pure joy, but it just hasn’t hit yet. Maybe it’s because deep inside I know that I still have some homework I could be doing, and am just NOT. Yes, it’s true. I still have some stuff I could be doing but I am so stuck in my senioritis ways that I’m boycotting it. Yes, it will affect my final grades and will probably result in my not getting a 4.0 GPA, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.

What do I do instead? Well, I’ve been surrounding myself with Harry Potter by re-reading all the books before diving into the newest one. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that I ordered the seventh book in February and got it in the mail on Saturday. What may surprise you is that I haven’t even started reading it, even though it’s sitting on the bookshelf in my bedroom, staring at me.

Oh, such discipline I have.

Have you noticed how there is talk about Mr. Potter everywhere you look? For goodness sake, it was even on NPR this morning. People are just itching to spoil it for me. But NO. If you’ve read it, don’t talk to me. If you love it, don’t tell me. If you know how it ends, leave me out of it. Let me have that one little joy, that one reward for hanging on and reading them all again before the final one. Because once the final one is over and read, what am I going to read next???

T-minus three days and counting

So this is it: the last week of my classes. I can't even tell you how weird it is to think that I will be officially graduated as of Friday. My last class is Wednesday, but I technically have until Friday to pass everything in. Gosh. To not have any homework will be SO wonderful. Oh wait. I'm still taking that Spanish class in September. But at least it's not three classes at once. And because it's an undergraduate level, beginning language class, it should be easier, right? So this is what 'life-long learning' feels like.

The trigger shot went well. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was thinking it would be. The needle was pretty short and I used an ice pack to numb the location before I gave myself the shot. It was strange, but once I stuck it in, I actually had to sort of look twice to make sure it really was in there. Couldn't feel a thing. I guess it was because of the ice pack, but it probably was because of all of the fluffy-stuff around my belly region. Never did lose those last few inches after E was born. Oops. Hey, I guess it came in handy after all! The injection site was sore for a few days afterwards, but otherwise it was fine.

I forgot to mention the update on the lining issue. After the RE's nurse called me on Thursday afternoon to tell me when to trigger, I realized I forgot to ask her about my E2 levels and to see if the doctor wanted to recheck the lining before we did the next IUI. So, I left a message figuring that she would call back on Friday morning. At 5:00pm exactly, I get a call from the doctor's office; I pick up phone and say "Hi, Connie!" and lo-and-behold, it was the RE himself. I was so shocked that he would bother to call me back himself, but he said that he got my message and that the answer was so technical that he wanted to discuss it with me personally. He said that in his opinion I responded very well to the Femara and that my lining was still thin, but it was mature and trilaminar (had three layers, which is what they look for). But, he wasn’t sure why it was still so thin (he didn’t give me the numbers), and he said “I would still suggest that you take the trigger shot tonight and we try the insemination anyway. If you get pregnant, then there’s nothing to worry about; the lining won’t be an issue. If you don’t get pregnant this month, I’ll have to figure out what we can do to treat you.” So, I thanked him and said I would go ahead with the shot and hope for the best. Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed with the phone call. I guess I had just expected because I had two eggs ready to go that my lining issue would have been helped too. Obviously, that’s just not the case here. I think the part that really bugged me the most was the ‘anyway’. It made me feel like he didn’t have much hope for me, since we ‘might as well do it anyway’. But, I was determined not to let it get me down. I’m sure it was just a slip-of-the-tongue and that I’m over-reading into it, but it just bugged me a little.

The IUI was on Saturday morning, before my class. There were so many people in the waiting room this time that I actually had almost an hour wait before the insemination. Great fun. It was completely embarrassing to sit there, in the waiting room, with a bag full of sperm on my lap. Oh, the things we endure for our kids (or, in this case, our future kid). Once I finally got in to an exam room, the nurse that came in was in and out (literally) in about five minutes. I felt like a little piece of the infertility assembly line. “Wait ten minutes and then you are free to go”. Oh joy. Such a personal experience. Of course, before the nurse came in I had a chance to peek at R's numbers and I was just shocked. Pre-wash his numbers were in the 60 million range with a 62% motility. Post-wash they were in the 48 million range with about 60% motility. Much, much better than last month. I think the total Mot. this time was about 40 million; last month it was 14 million. So, between his really high numbers and my two eggs, I'm hoping, no, PRAYING that we're successful this month.

I’m not sure if it’s the medications or stress or what but I had absolutely no cervical mucus this month. None at all. Well, at least none during ovulation. It bothered me so much to not see that normal bodily function working for me this time. But, then I remembered that I didn’t get pregnant even when I did have months where I had it, so maybe it won’t affect anything this time around.

After all that, I went to class on Saturday and felt yucky and crampy. It amazes me how different each month’s IUI can be. One month I spotted for a week, the next month I got a terrible headache and this month I cramped for hours. I guess you just never know. I'm still keeping the fingers crossed that I don't have to do this again next month. But I say that every month, don't I?

Momma, get your gun...

Another monthly race begins. I went this morning for my ultrasound to check on the follicles. Right now I have five developing, with two dominant on my left side. The two dominant ones are about 22 and 20, so the nurse said that the doctor would look the results over to make the determination as to when I should trigger. She didn’t check my stripe though, which I was a little puzzled by. I asked her if she thought they would want to check it later, since it was so thin the last two months and she said she would ask the doctor.

She called back at 4:00pm and said that the RE gave me the go ahead to trigger tonight between 9:00pm and 11:00pm; the IUI is scheduled for 9:30am on Saturday morning. I’m a little nervous about doing the trigger and not having the IUI until 33 hours later, but since this is the first time I’m triggering, I’m not sure what to expect. In the hustle of trying to find a private space at work to take the phone call, I forgot to ask about the stripe and the E2 levels (which they drew this morning), so I had to call back and leave another message about that. So now the shot is scheduled. I’m a little nervous about giving myself a shot but I have to look on the bright side that it’s a subcutaneous shot and not intramuscular. People tell me the sub-Q shots are a piece of cake. I guess I’ll be able to tell you after 11:00pm tonight!

I was a good little industrious gal last night and got a decent amount of homework done. R is home tonight, which probably means that I won’t get a lick done tonight. Oh well. Six days left of all of this.

Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.

After days and days of muggy, hot weather, we finally got a bit of rain tonight. Now, I'm not complaining about the hot weather, but man, we needed some real rain. I forgot to water the tomatoes this afternoon, so hopefully they'll be happy with this little storm. I'm glad that it waited until tonight to let loose though. E had such a blast playing in the back yard today with a pot of water, some rocks and two old frisbees. It's amazing what will occupy a three-year-old. Watching him out there made me realize how torn I am about having another baby. Now don't start thinking that I'm going back on my TTC plans, but it's just that I've gotten so used to having him be semi-self-sufficient that it's going to be hard getting used to having a tiny baby around the house again. I'm sure that I'll adjust, but I'm starting to like our little life here. It's not that I don't want another baby. That's not it at all. I'm just scared about how it will change things, again. E was such an adjustment for me that I worry about how it's going to affect him AND me at the same time. Still, I'm no where near ready to use that fear to give up on having another baby. No way, no how.

I took E to church this morning and there was a HUGE pregnant woman sitting across the aisle. Why do they always have to be big and huge, about to pop when I see them? Why can't I see a woman who's only a little pregnant? Dad's girlfriend says that I'm just looking for them and that's why I notice it so much more. HA! I don't want to SEE these women. I don't want to see anyone around me huge and pregnant like that. It took all my self control to not burst into tears at the sight of her. It's still such a sore subject for me. It's like pouring vinegar into a wound. Not my idea of a good mental, happy time.

Speaking of headaches, the migraine is finally gone. I had to break the rules and take Advil this morning to get rid of the pain, but there was no way I could deal with that headache all day. Advil doesn't work nearly as well as my rescue meds, but I'm too freaked about mixing meds right now. So Advil it was. Now that I'm off the Femara (last night was the last of the pills), I'm going to start the Robitussin. Just in the hopes that it might do something, anything to help. I'm desperate at this point. I also made my rooibos iced tea to take with my lunch this week. I figure between the Robitussin and the antioxidant tea, my body should be happy and ready for the IUI next weekend.

I forgot to mention that when I got home from the comp yesterday, R had done two loads of laundry. And folded them. And fed E lunch. Holy God. I thought I was in an alternate universe.

And the side effects begin

I spoke too soon. Here I was thinking I was going to get off scott-free with no side effects and lo-and-behold I get a terrific migraine this afternoon. I'm not surprised, since Femara blocks the creation of estrogen and since I get low-estrogen migraines, here I am. Today was my last day taking the meds, so hopefully the headaches will be gone tomorrow or Monday. Just not the best timing, you know? It's so hard to function with headaches this bad and I can't take my rescue meds because I'm afraid to mix them with the Femara. Just have to keep taking Tylenol to dull the pain and get through it. To top it off, I pulled my back out something fierce tonight while picking up E. As soon as I did it, I knew it was going to be a bad one. I'm just hoping I can get some homework done tonight so that I can get this paper done and over with. I just feel like once this damn thing is finished the rest of my projects will fall in line and I can be done with it.

I took my comp exam today and am 99% sure that I passed it. It's sort of hard to fail an essay test and since this comp is pass/fail, there's no way I could have failed it. If I did, then I probable don't deserve to get my Masters degree. 10 days left... 10 days left. Remind me again what life will be like once I'm finished with this hell?

More of the same.

I've been walking around in a fog all day. I came home after work and crashed on the couch after feeding E reheated pizza for dinner. R came home and I went to bed for two hours. I woke up right before he had to go to work so that I could work on my school work a little more. I'm determined to get all of this stuff done as soon as possible. Only 11 days left and then I'm free. Ok, technically 14 days, but those last three are for 'polishing'.

I'm sure the meds are finally kicking my ass now. I've been feeling naseous for the past two days and I'm sure the exhaustion has a lot to do with the fact that these are CHEMO drugs I'm taking. Isn't that nice? Take cancer drugs to get pregnant. Joy.

Ok. Off to work on the paper more. Keep repeating: I will get it done. I will get it all done.

Tired... so very tired...

I can't even being to express how tired I am right now. I'm not sure if it's the medication or what but I could just fall asleep right now and be perfectly happy with that. Maybe that's why one of the on-line evaluations of Femara said that a side effect is the 'very pleasant feeling of being very ready for bed'. Um, I'm not sure that being so exhausted is 'very pleasant', but at least I'm not puking or anything. Have to be happy about that, right?

Still having the hardest time in the world getting motivated. Please, please, God. Find a way for me to survive the next 13 days withough killing myself or someone I love. Please?

Counting down the days.

Only 14 days of school left! I'm finally trying to get my head around what I need to get done to finish this semester off. I'm going to have to prioritize homework now so that I can get this stuff done. I need to

1. Write a 15-20 page research proposal/paper
2. Develop a brochure on how to make your own baby food using proper information design techniques
3. Finish developing and coding my digital library and write the final paper.

All in that order. And within the next 14 days. Easy as pie, right?

Day 2 of the fertility drugs is underway. No yucky side effects yet, other than being dead ass tired in the morning. But then again, that may have something to do with the fact that I didn't get more than 6 hours of sleep last night. I'm just waiting for the day when 10:00pm was way past my bedtime again.

E was a complete stinker tonight and picked another tomato off the plant on the back porch. Another one that was no where near ready to be picked. It made me so sad to see it detached from the plant. I put him in time-out and sent him off to bed right after dinner. It bothers me that he just picks them, after being told numerous times to just leave them alone. I think it bothers me more that he just kills a living thing (albeit a plant) because, as he says "I didn't like it." That bugs me. Really, really bugs me. I know it's silly, but those plants make me so happy. It makes me happy to see them growing and thriving out there and then here comes the crazy three-year-old destructor, pulling the baby tomatoes off the plant. I almost cried when I saw it on the ground. I don't know what I'm going to do with that kid sometimes.

RIP little tomato.

When people say they're doing drugs, I don't think this is what they mean...

Day one of taking THE drugs. My RE's nurse called this morning to tell me that all was clear and I could start taking my fertility drugs. So I'm officially doing drugs now. Just not the type of drugs I thought I would be doing someday! I decided to take them just now in case they make me all wacky. At least then I can sleep it off and not be a zombie for work tomorrow. The next five days should be interesting.

I've been reading up on Femara and all it's glorious work. Most people seem to give it rave reviews. God, I hope I'm going to be one of those people sooner rather than later.

E had big news today too: he pooped on the potty at school today. Holy COW! I never thought I would live to see the day! I swear, there are some days that I think he's going to be the only five year old in diapers. But he's making his way in this world. He's just doing it at his own pace. Guess I can't fault him for that. I would just like a few months without diapers, please. Just a few.

It was another hot, hot day today. Not complaining, but it was hard to be in the house, running around after a three-year-old monkey and be so hot and sweaty. Plus, the poor E has terrible heat rash all over his neck and shoulders. He's always been a hot kid, but this is the first time it's affected him so bad. Of course, he's not bothered by it one bit. Just goes along, playing with his cars. I'm blessed to have him. Have I said that enough lately?

I'm going to get some good homework done tonight if it kills me. I want to go to bed tonight feeling like I actually accomplished something. Come hell or high water, I'll get this degree done. 15 more days to go. Yee-HA!

Get ready, get set...

We met with Dr. B (aka the RE) to talk about our next steps. R and I told him that we wanted to be as aggressive as he thought we could be at this point so he gave us three options.

1. Try IUI with oral medications (Femara) and an hCG trigger shot to push the ripe eggs out.
2. Try IUI with injectibles and an hCG trigger shot.
3. IVF. Enough said.

He said that although he would approve us for IVF, he didn't think that we needed to go that route quite yet and he was leaning more towards the less invasive procedures (1 or 2). So, he said that because I ovulate on my own and R's counts weren't terrible, he thought option number 1 was the best choice. He said that we could go that route for two months and then see what happens after that. The lucky part is that I'm on CD2 today, and I would have to start the meds on CD3, which is TOMORROW. Thank God I called for the appointment when I did. Otherwise it would have been one more month down the drain.

As for R's counts, we got a bit of a surprise: they were 14 last month but 38 the month before. Holy CRAP. That's more than a 50% drop from one month to the next. I'm wondering if it's because we had sex two days before the IUI last month. Who knows. But it was still good to hear that his numbers were better last month.

So, the protocol for the upcoming month is this: take the Femara for CD3 to CD7; ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12. If everything looks good, give myself the trigger shot on or around CD13 to prep for the IUI on CD 14-ish. Get pregnant. That's it.

It's going to be hard to give myself shots. I never thought I'd be going this route but here I am. Maybe if I just give myself over to all of it, it'll work. Just accept and embrace the fact that I'm officially infertile and move on with it. Get pregnant and move on.

So, funny parts of today? I had to get a pregnancy test. Isn't that just a laugh! So after avoiding that negative beta like the plague, I still have to do it, even after getting my period. (If this blog had a laugh-track, you'd be hearing it right now.) I also had to do another baseline ultrasound to check the ol' eggs out. I have five on one side and seven on the other; I can't remember which side had which. But at least they're there. Ready and waiting. I wonder how many I'll have in ten days?

I'm keeping a clear head about all of this. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. A lot is going to happen in the next few weeks including finishing school and trying to get pregnant. Oh, and working and taking care of E. One step at a time, right?

This is supposed to help, right?

So I'm repeating positive thoughts in my head, over and over, in preparation for the coming INFERTILITY month of treatments. Honestly, I don't even know what direction to head anymore. I'm trying to think happy, warm, pregnant thoughts but most of the time I'm so pissed and bitter about being INFERTILE that positive thoughts are hard to come by. Still, people keep telling me to find a way to stress less. As if less stress will make me more fertile. You have to calm down, you have to de-stress. I understand that. I understand the problems stress creates but there's no way to tell an INFERTILE woman to calm down and stress less about being unable to bear a child. But I'm trying. I'm trying to destress. Honestly I am.

Being done with school in only two weeks will certainly help, I'm sure. In the meantime, I just have to keep this little head above water.

Along those lines, I'm going to see if I can find an acupuncturist to treat my headaches and my infertility. Should be an interesting venture. At this point, I'll do anything to help.

R took E to NY. I know, I know, I've mentioned it a few times before. But not having him here is just strange. I came home after class yesterday and was keenly aware that he wasn't in the house. Yes, it was quiet, but that wasn't it. It felt lonely without him here. It made me question how in the world any mother could abandon her child. He's been in my mind for the past two days and he was only gone overnight. How can a mother walk away from her kids and not go insane? Better yet, how could MY mother walk away for six years and not contact us at all? And then just show up expecting us to know her, to love her? The more years that go by that I'm a mother I find it harder and harder to understand what her motivations were. I just don't understand it.

It's hot today. Hot, hot, wonderfully hot. I think it's supposed to hit 90 today. JOY! It's days like this that I will miss here in New England. Whenever we move, where ever we end up, these are the days that I will remember. Blue skies, hot weather, green trees, a light breeze. It's really finally summer.

Moving on to the next cycle.

I started spotting this morning, so I'm officially moving onto the next cycle. I wasn't surprised after the last two days of negative tests. It's still frustrating and depressing to see, but I just have to move on. Have to keep moving on. I called the RE's office this morning to schedule an appointment so that we can start getting more aggressive. Plus, I made the decision that I'm going to start monitoring my body again with the daily temps and start taking Robitussin for the week before ovulation. Maybe all these pieces together will work to make something happen. I have to do something at this point. I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for failure month after month.

E's in school today and I have the day off (flex time), so I'm trying to get the house in order and get some errands done. I'm going to pick him up early from school so that we can have lunch with the woman who was his Nanny. She hasn't seen him in a few months, so I know he'd love to hang out with her for a few hours.

I still have a ton of homework to get done, but R is taking E to NY with him this weekend, so I plan on trying to get some more done on Sunday. I have class all day tomorrow and then I plan to veg and go to bed early on Saturday night. Maybe I'll even go out and do something for myself. HA! Who am I kidding? I wouldn't even know where to start!

Another month of failure.

It was a rough, rough night. I caved and took a test last night. It was obviously negative. No question about it. It was so difficult to see that test. I don’t even know why I bother tormenting myself like this. I was able to hold it together enough so that I could get some homework done but once I sat in bed I just burst into tears. Poor R had no idea what to say to comfort me. I just don’t think that there is anything to say at this point. It’s such a hard thing to deal with. He keeps telling me not to give up, but it’s hard to think about forging ahead when we’ve gone through 16 months of disappointment. 16 months. I can’t even believe that I am writing that. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I’ve deprived my husband and son of a complete family. I feel empty and incomplete. I feel like this is never, ever going to succeed.

I took another test this morning, just to get rid of the last one in the house and, you got it, still negative.

I’m going to call the RE tomorrow afternoon to set up an appointment so that we can map out what the next step is going to be. I have no idea what he’s going to suggest, but R and I both agree that we want to get more aggressive right now. This whole process is just killing me so it’s time to step it up and figure out what we can do to get pregnant.

I still stop thinking “Why?” Why is this happening now? Why is this happening to me? It breaks my heart to think that E may never have a sibling. This whole mess just breaks my heart.

I'm up, no I'm down... I'm up, no I'm down...

It was a hard day for me today. I've been completely obsessing about every little twitch, cramp, pain and any other weird 'sign' that my body is giving me. I actually thought this might be the month, but I just had that awful, empty failure feeling on the way home tonight. E fell asleep in the car on the way home from school and I just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I think I cried half of the way home. When we got home, I carried him upstairs and put him on my bed and just laid there next to him, listening to him sleep. As soon as R got home, I started crying all over again. I just felt so empty and alone. All of this has been so hard on me. I try so hard to make sense of things in my life and this just doesn't make sense. And everywhere I look, there are pregnant women. EVERYWHERE. E had an event at his school last week and I swear every other woman there was huge and pregnant. It takes every ounce of my being not to burst into tears right then and there. I wonder if these women understand what it's like to be on the outside, looking in. Do they know how lucky they really are? One of E's classmate's mother is having twins. I want to throw up every time I see her.

I'm starting to move beyond just plain anger these days. Now I'm just mourning over what is becoming an impossibility. I feel like I don't even have the time to mourn properly and that's what I really need to do: mourn my little heart out. I need to just get to the point where one child is going to have to be good enough and if it happens, then so be it. I'm getting there. I'm starting to feel like that, but I need a few days to cry my heart out, to scream and cry and just be sorrowful. Maybe if I get it all out I can move on with my life. I really, really feel like I just need to move on. This has taken all the spirit out of me. I can't find anything to laugh at, I am constantly depressed and worried about it and my marriage isn't fun anymore. I hate what infertility does to a person. It strips you of everything. It leaves you broken and feeling like less of a person.

This month marks 16 months that we've been trying. 16 months of ups and downs. I just don't know how much more my heart can take.

Ok, so I'm not a perfect meat-dryer yet.

The jerky experiment had to be nixed. After 10 hours of drying, I checked on the results and it looks like I cut the strips way too thick because they were still raw in the middle. Oops... So, looks like I'm in for round two of jerky-making. At least it wasn't a huge investment.

I'm driving myself crazy with all this progesterone research. Some of the sites are encouraging and others are discouraging. They all basically say that my levels aren't astronomically high, but that they're bordering on the high between 'you might be pregnant' and 'these are normal levels at this point in your cycle'. UGH! So frustrating. So now I'm balancing between going to get the beta on Friday and waiting for my period this weekend. I'm just not sure which would be more of a let down at this point: hearing a negative beta or getting my period on my own. Plus, I have class on Saturday and R might be taking E to NY this weekend. If it's negative, I'm not so sure that I want to be alone all weekend. This is so frustrating. I can't wait for this part of my life to just be over. I just want to get pregnant so that I can move onto the more exciting worrying.