If I knew then what I know now.

I realized the other day that if I had gotten pregnant on the very first month we started trying in March, 2006, I’d have a nine-month old right now. I also realized that I’ve been charting now for 12 months. And no pregnancy yet. I knew that we wouldn’t get pregnant the first month around and maybe not even the second or third month. But 17 months later?

My headache never materialized fully. Actually, something else popped up in its place. See, I have extremely sensitive gums. Yes, I know, what an interesting topic for the day! My gums! But, I have a point so hang in there. Ok, so I have very sensitive gums and every now and then, for no particular reason some spot on my gums will swell. And that is what is happening on the left side of my mouth right now. Four days ago, I had this terrible swelling behind my wisdom tooth on my lower left side. It was so bad that the glands on that side of my neck started to swell too, as if fighting off an infection or something. Today the swelling is starting to go down, but the entire left-side of my face, neck and even my ear are very tender and almost tingling to the touch. So (and here’s where I tie it all together for you), I think that’s why I had the pain in my left ear yesterday. Not the usual pre-migraine ear pain, but because my gums were swollen. So, the feeling of dread is still deep inside my gut, but at least it isn’t that 'I'm definitely not pregnant' feeling. And, I’m not even sure that this may or not matter, but my breasts are sore. Not sore to the point where it hurts to touch, but just tender. I haven’t had this sort of tenderness since before I was pregnant with E. I always figured that breastfeeding for 14 months sort of toughened the old girls up and they wouldn’t feel sore like they used to anymore. I looked them over before taking a shower the other morning and I could swear that my nipples look bigger too. Of course, this could all be the hallucinations of a dying-to-be-pregnant mind, but I’m trying to stay hopeful.

Hope. God, I hope.

What if it didn’t work this month? What if my body is just failing me? What if I can’t ever get pregnant again? Why don't I know my body anymore?