When life keeps you laughing.

R has been traveling for about a week on business, so I've been practicing life as a single mother. It's not all bad. Especially when you have a conversation like the following with your three year old son while shopping at the mall for a new suit.

E: Momma, can we eat at the food cork tonight?
Me: Sure, we can eat at the food court. What do you want there?
E: I'm not sure. Momma, where's Daddy?
Me: Daddy's in Miami right now.
E: What's he doing in your-ami?

Miami. Your-ami. Man, that kid is just full of them. In spite of all this infertility craziness, it's moments like that that remind me how much I really, really want another child (or two).

I had the realization this morning that I will eventually get pregnant. Someday. I don't know why, but it just hit me. I don't know if it will happen this month, three months from now or even a year from now, but it will happen. I think I needed that realization to keep me going. Being INFERTILE is a bitch. Having one kid already puts me in the infertility no-woman's-land. I'm shunned by those who can't have kids and looked at as an 'ungrateful-for-what-I-already-have' brat. I feel alienated by larger families because of how much I want to be like them and am still unable to conceive again. It's like a big, fat, stinking label: INFERTILE. Always in caps. It screams at you from every corner of your life and there's no way to run from it. It's bizarre how it creeps up on you. Once you're stuck with this capital-letter label, you start seeing pregnancy, fertility and conception everywhere. And I mean everywhere. It chases you down in the supermarket where you wait in line at the deli and are surrounded by huge pregnant women. It's follows you on TV, where even the freaking meerkats are knocked up. It peeks it's head around the corner when you drop your son off at school and, lo and behold, there's a woman pregnant with, you guessed it, twins! It even stalks you at a job interview when, arriving early, you decide to walk through the non-fiction section to browse and kill time and somehow mysteriously end up in the fertility section of the stacks. You can't run from it. You certainly can't hide. It just becomes part of you, a part that you hate but you can't live without.

I didn't end up knitting last night because of the beginning of a migraine. It's still lingering, but I went to bed at 9:30pm and slept the whole night. I don't think I woke up once, which is a huge feat in itself. So, another migraine at 6DPO. Just like every other month. Not really a good sign for me, but I'm trying not to let it get me down. I'll admit, it bothers me. A lot. But I have to keep having faith that it will happen.

I am debating whether or not to schedule an appointment with my RE for right after Labor Day. If this month wasn't a success, I should be getting my period on or around September 1. The problem is that I would have to start my next cycle's medications on CD3, which would put me squarely on Labor Day. (Laugh if you can see the irony in that.) R and I have already talked about moving onto the next, more aggressive level. At this point I think the RE would suggest injectibles, although R & I have talked about going right to IVF. So, since I don't want to lose out on a month of trying, I'm going to have to call the nurse and ask her what to do. Plus, We'll be away until September 4th, so I would either have to get the meds before I go or lose out on another month.

As for IVF, I've been wondering how many embryos we would implant when faced with that decision. Two? Three? I don't think we'd go higher than three, but what would we do if all three hung on? Well, then I guess we'd have triplets. I really hate the corners that infertility paints you into. It's just not humanly fair.