Well, it looks like the bleeding is slowing down, but it's not gone yet, so I called the RE's office again this afternoon to let them know. I'm still almost 99% convinced that it was due to stopping the estrogen but I figured since it was four days in the running, another phone call was warranted. Plus, I'm having these strange sharp pains now and then. Some of them are strong enough to take my breath away, but they go away pretty fast when they do hit. I keep having terrible visions of an ectopic pregnancy but I have to remind myself that they're rare and I probably wouldn't have bleeding this early with an ectopic. Just have to keep my mind off it.
R was talking to me last night about a couple that we're friends with and he says "Did you know that C and L have been trying to get pregnant almost as long as we have?" This, of course, I knew. We went to their wedding a few years ago and I remember C (the husband) saying that they were going to start trying immediately. We hadn't heard that they had gotten pregnant yet, so naturally I have to assume that they were still trying. "They just found out they conceived", R tells me. Isn’t it amazing how your vocabulary changes when you’re knee-deep in infertility treatments? It’s not “They’re having a baby!” or “She’s pregnant!”, but “They conceived” instead. Yuck. Impersonal, clinical, sterile, yucky. Yet one more reason to hate the world of infertility.
And, of course, as soon as those words left R’s mouth, I felt sick to my stomach. It’s awful the way I feel when I hear someone else is pregnant and I’m still NOT. Part of me feels really happy for their good fortune and hates what’s happening to me and the other part is just angry and spiteful and full of rage. It’s such a Jekyll and Hyde sort of life I live these days. On the outside I’m trying to smile, be happy and keep my life moving in the right direction but deep inside I’m so angry and confused about all of this. People keep telling me “Relax, it’ll happen soon. You’ll have another baby, I swear, it’s just a matter of when.” That brings me no solace whatsoever. None. I know it should cheer me up because they’re probably right. I’m sure eventually, somehow, some way, I will have another baby. But that’s not good enough. I don’t want to have to suffer anymore because of my body’s inability to create another life. I don’t want to have to keep injecting myself with dangerous chemicals, timing sex, suffering from bizarre side-effects. I don’t WANT any of this anymore. And yet, I can’t stop. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help this situation and that’s just infuriating me. I am at the mercy of nature and modern medical science. And it’s a lonely, lonely place to be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Your strength just amazes me! I know you don't think of yourself that way, but you are so strong -- to be dealing with infertility and sharing it the way you do.
Yeah, I doubt "relax, it'll happen" is something you want to hear. How is TTC ever relaxing?!! There is no way to relax when all you can think about is "conceiving." I'm not in your shoes, but I imagine it's baby fever tenfold.
Yet, I'm still going to be your cheerleader in the wings. I'm hoping, praying, making small sacrifices in your honor (OK, not really, but I will if you want me to!), and just thinking positive thoughts that this WILL happen for you, and soon, dammit!
And .. .hmmmmm . . .on the pains . . . I had pains during the 2ww with both of my kids. They were far worse the second time.
Did the RE's office call you back?
During one of our TTC cycles I was having some very suspicious early pg symptoms (m/s-like) but it was very early, like 4 or 5 dpo. I called the OB and asked about it and they said it was possible to implant that early. Rare, but definitely possible.
Has the bleeding gotten any better?
Jeannie - Perhaps a goat sacrifice would help? Got one handy out there in GA? And you're right, it's like baby fever but a million-fold. It's so strong it's almost painful. Hell, what am I saying, it IS painful. I'm glad that you're still willing to be my cheerleader. I need it more than ever. The RE's office did call back, but it was just more of the same. "There's no cause for alarm... it's normal... blah, blah, blah". Sure, you bleed for a week without 'cause' and see if you feel normal.
April - Yes, the bleeding has slowed down to just a light spotting now. I would tend to think that implantation would be more like spotting rather than bleeding though. Then again, every month reminds me that I have absoultely no idea what the hell I'm talking about anymore!
Post a Comment