I’m feeling blue… so blue.

After the surprising phone call from the nurse yesterday afternoon, it turns out that they don’t consider me close enough to ovulation to order the trigger shot just yet. When she called back, the nurse said that the doctor reviewing my chart said that the high E2 was most likely from the estrogen I’m taking. Um, duh. So then she said that they want to see me again on Friday morning for another ultrasound and to check out the four follicles I have developing right now. I asked her if we would still do the IUI and she got a little snippy about it and said something like “I didn’t say anything about that. I said to come in on Friday morning and we’ll look at the plan once we see what’s happening. We need those follicles to be at least 16 or more and your biggest one is only a 14.” So, since I was feeling a little combative, I started peppering her with questions: should I keep taking the estrogen? Was my ovulation delayed because of taking the Femara later? When would I stop the estrogen? and on and on.

So, yet again, my body is just not behaving as it should. My lining is still non-existent even though my estrogen is through the roof. Having to take these estrogen pills is wrecking havoc with my body. Not only am I tired, achy and just generally down, I’m also leaking blue. Yes, blue. Yuck.

I realized last night yet another one of the things that’s bothering me about all of this infertility stuff. What if it never happens for us? What if I never am able to get pregnant again at all? Will I be happy with an adoption? Would R and E be happy with it? How would I feel knowing I have no genetic connection with a child that I’m raising? As we were getting ready for bed last night, R started to put the moves on me. Normally I would jump at the chance because he hardly even is in the mood to initiate on how own, but it just made me cry this time. I knew we couldn’t fool around because I had just ‘taken’ my pill for the night and he’d have been freaked if the pill came out or something while we were in the act. Imagine having sex and you look down and you’re covered in light blue? Fun thought, isn’t it? So, here he is, trying to calm me down and I couldn’t help saying that I feel like I’m at the edge of giving up. He told me that he’s not there yet, so I have to be strong and hang on for both of us. He (sort of) acknowledged that I’m the one getting the brunt end of all of this, with the medications and such throwing me into such a tail spin. I’ll admit, I’ve been tired, cranky and just generally out of sorts all week. It was just nice to hear that he acknowledges how hard this is becoming on my body and me. As he was trying to calm me down I blurted “What if it never works? What if I can’t ever get pregnant again? What will I do!?”. I couldn’t help it. It’s the question that lurks in my mind all the time. I keep trudging on and on with the blind hope that it will work and yet it doesn’t. Month after month, nothing works and that fear edges up a little higher. But it’s what I need to know. I need a contingency plan to work towards. I need a goal to set my sights on so that if it doesn’t ever work again, I have something, anything to look forward to. That’s part of the pain of all of this. I’m not ready to accept that it won’t work, but I have to plan as if it won’t just so that I can sleep at night.