Taking the long way...

It’s official: we meet with the RE tomorrow at 3:00pm to discuss starting our IVF treatments. R and I talked about it at length last night and he feels like we need to move onto IVF just as much as I do, but for different reasons. He’s worried about the toll this is taking on my mental, physical and emotional well-being and at this point, he wants to do whatever is going to get us the positive results we’re looking for. He asked me to send him some info on what IVF is going to entail and I found a good link this morning. (In case anyone else really wants to know what IVF is all about, here’s the link. http://www.soft-infertility.com/docs/PInonfundedIVF_usual_.pdf )

So that’s it. We’re crossing the infertile threshold and heading into the scary place that is in-vitro fertilization. The numbers scare me: most clinics put their success rates at 50% or 60%. That’s still not very high to me, but it’s better than the 2% (natural cycle) or 20% (IUI cycle) that’s we’re dealing with now. Still, it scares the bejeesus out of me to think about what is ahead of us: injections, possible multiples, the retrieval, going under general anesthesia, all sorts of complications. It’s enough to make you think twice about what you would do just to have a baby. Is it really going to be worth it all? Am I doing irreparable harm to my body just for the sake of having another child? What if all of this comes back to haunt me in 15 years and my health suffers. Who will take care of my kids if all of this causes me to get sick when I’m 50 or 60? It’s just awful that we’re in this position. Wanting something so bad is just not healthy. It doesn’t let you see straight.

I’m interested to see what the RE is going to say tomorrow, especially since I haven’t officially gotten my period yet. I wonder what he’s going to say about the ultra-low progesterone, if he’ll agree with me that it means I didn’t ovulate this month. I hope to god he’s not going to force us to take a month off to ‘rest’ my ovaries before starting. I’ve heard of some doctor’s suggesting it, but it’s always hard to get the full story behind what’s happening.

The one personal drawback from starting IVF in a week is that R thinks that it should make me feel more positive about our treatment and therefore I will feel up to spending the Thanksgiving holiday with his family. I told him it would make no difference to me what our treatment was at that point; if we aren’t pregnant, I just can’t face them. He wasn’t happy about that. Sometimes I don’t think that he understands what a raw wound this whole experience is for me. He tells me that he feels the same way and that he can see how much it impacts me, but I told him last night that I hardly ever divulge my true feelings about the subject because I don’t want to upset him. I think if he really knew what I’m feeling and how much this affects me he would be scared for me. I really don’t talk to him about it all. I know he’s dealing with it in his own way and he’s told me before that it’s no use to talk about it because we essentially say the same things over and over.

So, that’s it. I guess I’m officially undergoing serious infertility treatment. Last night, while I was laying in bed, spending yet another night staring at the ceiling, I had this fleeting thought of “God, I almost pray for twins just so I will never, ever have to go through this again”. I guess, in a way, it’s good that we already know what we’re up against if we did want another child after this time around. I think once you have an IVF baby you’re pretty much stuck on that road for all eternity.