Two weeks of Lupron injections are starting to take their toll. I’m more tired than usual and I’ve started to get the beginnings of menopause symptoms. Oh joy. The RE’s nurse said to expect them, but it’s still unnerving to have hot flashes and insomnia at my age. I’ve also started to have the lovely symptom of ‘vaginal dryness’ which, as you can imagine, is not so much fun. In fact it’s irritating. Literally. Laugh all you want, but at least when I go into menopause I’ll be fully aware of what life is going to be like. See? There’s that pesky silver lining again.
I will admit I’ve also been feeling more moody than usual. After feeling so positive and upbeat about our IVF journey it’s hard when I slip back into the doubting and fearful side of it. I’ve been trying to regain my positive footing but my hormones are playing their ugly tricks. So, I’ve been trying to pamper myself whenever possible. I did realize that the downward slide happened after I stupidly searched online for IVF blogs to see what other people have gone through. Stupid, stupid mistake. For every good success story I found there was another miscarriage or failed IVF attempt. I vowed to myself to stop researching and this is exactly the reason why: whenever I read personal stories, I start to doubt myself and my own process. It felt better to know that’s what dragged me down, but still doesn’t help to prop me back up. It was a good reminder of why I shouldn’t keep reading other people’s stories; they aren’t me.
Tomorrow I have my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Then, as long as everything is calmed down and the ovaries are quiet, I’ll start the stimulation medications on Friday. Tomorrow marks the half-way point of this cycle. Well, sort of. It’s the halfway point to the retrieval and transfer… and then we have the excruciating two week wait until the pregnancy test. Which I’m sure will just drag, drag, drag by. Funny how sometimes two weeks will just fly and then other times two weeks drags. It’s going to take all my will power to get through each day.
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Wow, I didn't realized the mood swings that came with IVF. I guess I just didn't think about it because it definitely is messing with your hormones. I think your resolve not to look at other IVF stories is really wise. Of course, it is saving your sanity too. Whenever I heard a bad story (m/c, loss, whatever) that happened at XX weeks of pg, I would find myself setting *their* bad happenstance as *my* goal to get past. WTH?!? Our mind does strange things.
I hope the hormonal rollercoaster won't take over your mental positivity. I know it's almost impossible to mind-over-matter it. I hope it just evens out a little for you. Hugs, sweetie. You are doing great.
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