Back in the saddle...

The appointment didn’t exactly go as I expected, but we’re back in the IVF game again. I started my first birth control pill last night and our second IVF retrieval should happen around mid-January.

We had a long talk with the RE about the last cycle and he basically dropped a bomb on us: he’s very concerned about our embryo quality. He was shocked that all 10 embryos that were left after transfer failed and that we didn’t have a single one to freeze. Basically, the embryos all died after day 5 and that’s probably why it didn’t work out for us. The stress on them was just too much and even though the two that we transferred were near-perfect, there’s still no known cause why they would fail. It’s just hard to understand. The worst part is that if we had gone with the day three transfer, he’s certain we would have had at least 6 good embryos to freeze. Sigh. It was just so hard to hear because there’s nothing, NOTHING that we can do to improve embryo quality. The RE said that there’s no evidence that there’s anything wrong with R’s sperm, or that there’s any egg quality problems, so he’s convinced that we should try again as soon as possible. This time, however, even if we have another 12 embryos fertilize, we’ll go with a day three transfer instead of a day five. His thought is that if we get the embryos back to where they belong sooner, it’ll help protect them and hopefully they’ll implant like they should. Hopefully. There are still no guarantees on any of this. Sigh again.

I asked him about the Viagra and the thin lining and he is not concerned about my lining at all. He doesn’t think it had anything to do with our failed cycle. I harped on it so much that I could tell he was getting a little exasperated, but he handled it and basically said that if I wanted, we could start the Estrace earlier this time around to see if it helps. But, when I said I was concerned about how thin the lining was, he replied “But it was beautiful. And there was nothing about the lining that would cause me to cancel your cycle.” He’s still sticking with the thought that as long as it has a triple-stripe, he’s saying it’s alright. I asked him if E’s delivery could have caused my lining to thin over the years and he said that the sonohystogram that we did two months ago would have shown scarring or other problems and there was nothing like that found on any of the results. I asked about the Viagra instead of the estrogen and he said that he’s not convinced about the benefits and does not want me to use it. So, I’ll have to live with it for now. I’m not sure what else to do about it. I guess I could go ahead and find a doctor that goes along with what I want to do, but I’m not sure if that would help or hinder us. There’s really only one IVF clinic in RI and I’m there. My only other choice is to go to Boston and working in the East Bay doesn’t make getting to Boston very easy. It would take me 60 minutes each way for a 7:00am doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure the stress would help…

There you have it. I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me is glad to be starting over, but the other part is just plain tired of all of this. I really just want to get this part of my life over with and get pregnant and be done with it. R is not happy about going through another cycle, but I can’t let it rest right now. I have to keep moving, keep going to make myself feel at peace with being infertile. It isn’t something he can understand and it’s caused a lot of problems in our marriage, but it is what it is. I can’t help the way I feel about this and neither can he.