Well, here I am. On the eve of yet another highly anticipated HPT. My prediction? It will be negative. I just feel it. I haven't really thought about how it'll feel to see yet another BFN, so I'm trying to just block it out. At this point, I know I'll be pretty devastated, but I'm becoming so used to the hurt that it's almost comical right now. Last night I lay in bed thinking "Why? Why does this keep happening to me?" and for the life of me, I can't figure any of it out anymore. Not that I ever could. There's no reason for all of this to happen, but it is. There's just something very, very wrong about it. But yet, I still know that it will negative and right now, there's nothing I can do about it. It pains me to think that two more of my babies-to-be didn't make it. I'm pretty sure that next month we'll attempt to thaw the three embryos and try a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) cycle, but after that I'm not sure what we'll do.
Ok, I know you're thinking that I'm being overly pessimistic, but my intuition hasn't failed me yet and I'm fairly certain that it won't fail me again this time. Just not feeling it. Of course, we can just look at the plain facts: my boobs aren't sore anymore, the bloating has pretty much gone away and I've lost six pounds in the past two weeks. On the 'pro-pregnancy' side, I could say that my skin is still clear, I'm not feeling as moody and I've lost the weight because I've been sick as a dog, but those things are out-weighed by the other three now-missing symptoms.
Man, I wish it didn't have to be like this. For the first time in my life, I would really, really be happy if I could just be pregnant one more time. In my heart I have always wanted three kids, but after all this torture and heartache, I would be completely satisfied if I could get pregnant just once more. Just once more.
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