And now the waiting... waiting... waiting...

The deed is done! I had my first (and hopefully only) IUI done yesterday. It had to be the most surrealistic experience of my entire life. Why? Do you know how strange it was to carry half of the genetic information for my possible future child across the street in a paper bag with my last name written across it? The whole experience was just bizarre. After the ‘procedure’ was done, the nurse actually sighed and said “Well, I hope that worked!” I didn’t know how to respond to that so I just said “Hmmm.”

All in all, the procedure was very easy. The nurse even said “You were easy to do. I usually think that’s a good sign.” I don’t know about any of this. I’m still skeptical that you can just slip a catheter of sperm in there, inject and hope for a good outcome. There has to be more to it than that, right?

So now the waiting game begins. I keep wondering if it’s good karma that E was conceived on the same weekend, exactly four years ago. I keep having little cramps here and there and I’m still fighting off this cold that I started a few days ago. I’m also spotting, which I don’t normally do in-between periods, but the nurse said it was ‘normal’. Is any of this normal anymore?

After she was ‘done with me’, I had to lie there for about 10 minutes. So I meditated and kept my mind still and quiet. I had this sudden realization that I had just undergone a fertility treatment and from now on, things wouldn’t be the same with my body. For now on I’ll have to say “I underwent an IUI” when I talk about getting pregnant again. I guess this is really REAL now.

R asked me if I thought I would have a ‘feeling’ either way after it was done. I just don’t know anymore. I had that feeling that I was pregnant with E. I didn’t even have to think about it, it was just a truth created in my soul: I’m pregnant. My body and mind just knew it. I probably didn’t even need that test when I was pregnant with him, it was that absolute. This time around, I just don’t know if I’ll feel that again. I’ve lost all faith in my body and I have lost the ability to listen to it with a clear mind. It’s all become so clouded with infertility talk and doubt that I can’t really trust it anymore.

The wait is going to be excruciating.

Quote for the day:

The waiting
is the hardest part.
-- Tom Petty