Gloat, gloat, gloat.

I got an e-mail from my GovDocs professor today that said he had made an error in calculating final grades. So, I got an A. The 4.0 stands. Yee-HA!

And despite that, I’m in a pissy, cranky mood. But I didn’t get here by myself, you know. Oh no. I had HELP. Wouldn’t you know, it follows yesterday’s line of thinking: the lack of support. Why is it that when someone gives you a snide comment, but says ‘encouraging’ words, he thinks that he’s being ‘encouraging’. The comment “Fine, you do what you want to do.” is not supporting, no matter how much you may think it is. No matter if you say it with a smile or not, it’s not encouraging. It’s not helpful when the person that you want to depend on is not willing to shoulder some of the burden for a few hours every few weeks. Instead of being willing to make a small personal sacrifice in order to benefit the greater good, the griping attitude emerges. For years, I did what I had to do as a mother, as a wife. I stayed at home when I would have liked to do something, anything else but be home yet another Saturday afternoon with a baby. Even though there is ample time to plan, the attitude is that his time is more important and as soon as a request is made, the troops are called out to do his duty. I don’t understand it. Where is the support in that? I want him to make some sacrifice for ME for one. I put up with six years of lost Saturdays, why is it so much to ask for a few of my own?

I’m tired of it. My shoulders are sore and tired from carrying the burden for too long. I’d like some relief, please. I’d like to feel like we’re in this world TOGETHER for once, not two blind acquaintances, bouncing off one another when the space gets too cramped to maneuver around each other. I walked on eggshells for so long, afraid to speak my mind for fear that it would increase the stress level, upset the status quo, that I don’t even know how to express myself anymore. I can’t defend myself without tears; I can’t state what I want clearly so that others can understand my thoughts and it bothers me. It bothers me to not be able to communicate in a level that can be understood.

It’s not even the sacrifice (or lack thereof, in this case) that matters anymore. It’s the act of selfishness. It’s the act that everything is more important that what I do. It’s little things like skipping the call-waiting on the other line to talk to ME instead of some client. It’s the fact that I would really like it when things just get done without having to be mentioned time and time again. I think it’s all just beyond comprehension anymore.

I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of feeling like I’m fighting the tides, and even worse, fighting it alone. I’m supposed to have a partner in all of this and I don’t.