It's just something I'm not these days... Miss Motivation. Ugh. I'm using all the energy I have to just keep my head from falling onto the pile of books I am working on. Ok, that's not really true. I'm not that exhausted, but this cold is kicking my ass and it's just a little bitty one. Not even that bad, just annoying and draining. I'm just anxious about the waiting and it's easier to get my mind off it if I pretend to be really tired. To top it off, I'm still having cramps here and there, which may or may not mean anything. It is so annoying to think that this may not add up to anything at all. I mean, come on. What sort of cruel joke is that? To give me cramps and not have any joy come from it?
As I was getting ready for bed last night I had the most wonderful patch of eggy-cervical mucus. I never thought I would be so very happy to see such slimy stuff! It was the sort of mucus that I had the weekend I got pregnant with E, so I pressed the husband into service. Sadly, the whole event was less than climactic for him and we struck out. I can't even describe how hopeless I felt afterwards. I just got this disgusting feeling like we were never, ever going to succeed at getting pregnant and for once, I didn't feel like it was my fault. I wanted us to succeed naturally, not with tubes of pink sperm-concentrate injected into my uterus. I wanted to at least feel like it was us creating that baby, and not some nurse with a badly bleached mustache and moles on her neck.
The wondering never leaves my mind. Every waking second, no, every second whether waking or sleeping is spent wondering "Am I pregnant right now? Is that cramp a good sign? Did I feel like this in all the past months of trying?" I want some little voice to creep out of the darkness and answer all the questions. I want to get that feeling that I'm pregnant again, that without a doubt feeling that I had when I was pregnant with E.
I'll admit it here and now. The thought of having another baby still sort of terrifies me. How will I balance two of them? Will the next baby be like E was? Will I really love the next baby like I love E? What if that kid turns into a holy terror once another baby arrives? Will I stop loving him and love the new baby instead?
Quote for the day:
Gather me up
because I'm lost
or I'm back
where I started from.
-- Kristen Hersh
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1 comment:
Just wanted to let you know that I have been reading along. Hoping and praying that you do get that "feeling" really soon.
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