The rollercoaster that is my life...

What a crappy few days it's been. Ok, make that a crappy week or so. Sigh.

We found out on Friday that R's cousin, Sarah, passed away. She was 21 years old. They diagnosed her with leukemia on Wendesday or so and she was gone by Friday. It makes no sense to me that she just died like that. Then again, I don't know why I'm even the least bit shocked. I knew as soon as R told me that Sarah was sick that it wasn't going to be a good outcome. Now that's not just the usual pessimist in me; the whole situation just reminded me of what happened with Andrew: diagnosed on one day and dead three days later. It's just such a waste.

So, we flew to Detroit to attend the services. This was my first funeral for a young person. It was just plain terrible. I kept thinking, she's only 10 years younger than me. Why? Why does this happen to anyone? What must her mother be feeling right now? Will that hole that she's left in her mother's heart ever heal?

On top of dealing with that tragic event, I'm pretty much convinced that our IUI this month failed. I'm getting a migraine which means the estrogen is dropping again, which means no pregnancy. I'm trying not to allow myself to get too upset about it. I have too many other things to concentrate on right now, mainly school. But it still stings to think I have to undergo yet another month of poking, prodding, embarrasing procedures and the wondering, waiting and torture of that damned fertility monitor.

I'm feeling blue. I really wanted to be pregnant again. I am starting to feel like it will never, ever happen again. I'm just not alright with that. I want to scream and yell about how difficult his has been. I'm pissed about it. I hate this freaking rollercoaster. I want off.