I never said I was an optimist (aka I hate it when I'm right).

So, it wasn’t our lucky month after all. The IUI was not successful. I started spotting last night and today was officially the first day of a new cycle. I didn’t take it as hard as I thought I would, but I was still upset by seeing that negative test yesterday morning. R was upset too, but he’s trying to take it in stride. I broke down and asked him if he ever thought we would have another baby. He told me yes, he thinks we will and he thinks we’re right on the edge of succeeding. He’s really the eternal optimist sometimes.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m upset that we have to try again. Ok, I won’t even say I’m upset. I’m furious. I’m discouraged, I’m sad, I’m depressed about it. It’s just such a terrible, terrible place to be in for me. I keep thinking about how impersonal, how cold the whole experience was for me and it bothers me to know that I have to do it again. Will this child ever be conceived? Am I really only meant to have one child and never have another? Will I be going against nature by conceiving another baby? My body is just not allowing me to get pregnant. Is there a reason for all of this?

And still, life goes on. I still have to get up, go to work, take care of my son, make dinners, make lunches. The world still spins and I feel like I’m stuck in this hell that is INFERTILITY. It doesn’t make any sense to me anymore.

I took E to the market with me last night and while waiting at the deli counter, every pregnant woman in the place suddenly surrounded me. Every where I looked, there was another huge, pregnant woman walking towards me. I wanted to run away screaming “You don’t know how lucky you are!” but I just averted my eyes and bravely ordered my sliced ham. It’s ridiculous how often I see pregnant women now. It’s like I’m a freaking magnet and they just come out of the woodwork to torment me, throwing it in my face that I can’t have another baby. And yet they have no clue how it makes me feel to see them, big and pregnant and happy. I’m so envious of them that I can’t even see straight. I hate feeling like this.

Other than that, my life is just moving along. I only have six weeks of hell, um, I mean classes to go through now. My advisor approved my plan of study, only 18 months late, so I’m clear for graduating in July. Holy crap, I’ll be graduated in July! That brings so much joy to my mind that I can’t begin to express it. I can’t wait to be a vegetable again. To have nothing to do but work in the day and read or knit or sleep at night. Ahhh, now that would be pure heaven. Almost. To be doing it all while fat and pregnant would be the ultimate heaven.

As for my optimism…

When it is dark enough,
you can see the stars.
-- Charles A. Beard