The tricks the mind can play...

Now that school is officially done, I’ve been keeping busy by surrounding myself with Harry Potter reading. I borrowed some of the audiobooks on CD so that I can listen to them at work and almost every second that I have free is spent re-reading the first six books so that I can finally delve into the final book.

I’ve been trying like hell to keep my mind off the “Am I pregnant?” thoughts that keep flying around. I had strong cramps and pains all day Saturday and Sunday, but they’ve since disappeared. If I remember right, it happened last month too, but the months all blur into one another after a while. I’ve been trying to focus on the good aspects of this cycle (high progesterone, multiple follicles, high total sperm motility) and trying to forget about the doubt that still lingers in my head. I keep thinking “there’s just no reason it couldn’t work this month” but I know that there are plenty of reasons that it might not have worked. I guess the one consolation that I have right now is that I haven’t gotten that terrible pit in my stomach that says this cycle was a failure. I usually get it right about this time and so far, nothing. I’ve been trying to ‘make’ it appear, but either I am doing such a good job of being optimistic, or my intuition is telling me that it worked. I can’t quite tell yet. I looked at my chart last month and I had my usual ear pain on the same cycle day; I also remember being really upset because I had that failed-cycle feeling on the same day.

I do have a little bit of a migraine starting, which worries me. My pre-migraine aura is a sharp pain in my left ear, and it started this morning. I'm worried because it almost always precedes my period because of my estrogen dropping. I'm beyond worried now. I'm terrified. I hate these last few days. They're always such torture.

I'm starting to feel like it didn't work. It's not that 'I'm definitely not pregnant' feeling yet, but it's getting there. It's just a nagging feeling in the back of my head: it didn't work. Sigh. This isn't a good sign. Not a good sign at all.