Ever have one of those days when you think, "Well, my life is pretty good" and then it just comes crashing down? Today was one of those days. It seems like I have a lot of those days lately. E woke me up at 6:15am this morning. Being that he was so bright and chipper, I insisted that he go back to bed for at least an hour so I could wake up. He's a trooper and so he stayed in his room, quiet as he could manage for about another 40 minutes. At that point he kept calling out "Is it too early now, Momma?" Ah, well. Time to start another day.
I had to get my weekly blood test this morning, so I fed him breakfast and headed out to the lab. After the blood draw, I headed out to get some errands done with E in tow. We're still in potty-training hell, so I made sure that all the stores we had to visit had a bathroom in the vicinity. E is known for only telling me he has to potty when there is no bathroom in sight. He did very, very well and was able to stay dry almost the entire trip. When we got home, R, E & I headed out for a little outing and between E & R giggling about some silly story E was making up, the warm weather and just generally feeling better than I had in weeks, I actually had the nerve to think "Gee, my life is pretty good." I had about two hours of that before it tanked.
On the way home, I got a call from the RE's office saying that based on my blood test that morning the doctor wanted me to start progesterone immediately. Wait a damn minute. My progesterone has never been bad. In fact, it's always been really good, so good that it's fooled my OB in the past into thinking I might be pregnant when in fact I wasn't. Why the hell would I need to start progesterone medications? So, I called the paging service to have the doctor on call paged to find out what was happening. It took almost five hours, but he finally called back and we went over the results. Apparently my progesterone was only 0.42 this month. To put that in perspective, it was in the twenties last month and almost 40 the month before that. And now it's less than 1. I asked him what in the world that meant, even though in my heart I already knew what it meant: I didn't ovulate this month. He confirmed that it could mean that I didn't ovulate or it could just be a fluke. He said that my LH last Friday was about a 26 and they interpret anything above a 16 to mean that you are surging and about to ovulate, hence the reason they scheduled the IUI for the next morning. But now my progesterone seven days later is less than 1. So he has no idea what the hell is happening. And so he prescribed the progesterone to see if we can save any pregnancy that may have started, on the off chance that I did ovulate.
So, I'm back to inserting pills where I would rather they didn't go. I'm back to the fantastic variety of colors seeping out of me, this time yellow. From blue pills to red blood to yellow pills. I'm just a freaking Human Rainbow these days. And I'm back to the oh-so-much fun side effects: nausea, cramps, loss of appetite. Who ever said that infertility wasn't fun?
After dealing with all that, I just couldn't seem to function. I feel so lost and hopeless now. I feel like I'm screwing so much with my body's natural abilities that I've messed everything up and now nothing is working properly. I used to ovulate perfectly fine on my own and now, with SIX follicles this month I couldn't even ovulate. There's just no way that after having six follicles develop that my progesterone was less than 1 if I actually did ovulate. I just don't think it's possible. I mean, come on, I had two follicles and my progesterone hits 38.
For the past few days I've been toying with the idea of just skipping the injectibles cycle and heading straight for the IVF option. The news today sealed the deal for me. I'm through screwing around with IUIs. We've had five, none of which have worked. I'm not waiting around, wasting another month with the hopes that another IUI will work. I knew months ago, in my heart, that IVF was where we were going to end up and we're there. I can't deny it anymore. R said he wants to talk it over tomorrow night, but he's also said that it's basically up to me. I'm ready to move on. If the IVF doesn't work then it's over. We'll probably give it three IVF cycles and then call it quits and move onto another option. I have no idea at this point what the option is, but it'll probably be adoption. I just hope that I can come to terms with the fact that I might never get pregnant again. I wish I savored it more. I wish I remembered what it felt like to hold that life inside me. It kills me to think I might never have that again.
I told R tonight that if we don't get pregnant by the time Thanksgiving comes around then he's going to have to go to his parents with E alone. There's no way in hell I'm going to be able to be around my pregnant siser-in-law and my other sister-in-law who just had a baby in May. A pregnant woman on one side of me and a newborn on the other. No way am I strong enough for that one. No way.
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2 comments:
I don't mean to sound stupid, but would the low progesterone levels be related in any way whatsoever to your bleeding? I'll be interested to hear what the RE has to say -- those fluctuations from last month to this month are so strange (and I know you'll say: Yep, par for the course for the crap you're going through). Ugh!
In good news . . .that's awesome that E is doing well with potty training. That's great!!
Yes, it is entirely possible that the low progesterone (combined with the high estrogen) was the reason for the bleeding. I asked the doctor that called me back about it. He said the best way to think of it is this: before you ovulate, the lining is building which is why the estrogen is important, it helps build the lining. Once you ovulate, the lining is fragile and the progesterone helps that lining stay put. So, it would make sense that I bled for a week if the progesterone was low and my estrogen was still higher than it usually is. We just never expected me to have a progesterone problem, seeing how it's always, always been on the high side. Hence the reason I think I didn't ovulate at all. And around and around we go...
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