Not waving, drowning...

Why, oh why in the world did I ever have the balls to think that I could pull off three classes at once? I totally screwed myself last night by almost forgetting to do a five-page-paper. I just totally forgot about it until about three hours before it was due. Holy CRAP, that was stupid of me! So I whipped up the world's worst paper and sent it off, not even bothering to proofread it afterwards. Lord, give me strength these next six weeks. Keep telling me I can do this... it's only six weeks left. I can survive... I got approval yesterday to take the comprehensive exam to graduate so that's in four weeks. And yes, I haven't even thought about studying for that exam either. But at this point, if I don't know it, I just don't know it. I'll be sure to take a few hours sometime soon to sit down and review some basic concepts, but it'll probably be at the last minute. The concept of time just doesn't exist for me right now. It just doesn't. I am my own Black Hole.

My father's girlfriend called tonight to chat. Now, don't get me wrong. I like chatting with her, it's just that hearing about the 'other side' of my Dad's life that weirds me out. Take tonight for example: C called to ask me if I would be interested in going over to her house for Father's Day because, as she put it "Your Dad's been pretty down lately." I was just with the man last night and he seemed dandy to me. He talked a blue streak and I couldn't get a word in edgewise, but that's pretty normal. He was showing off the work he's done on the kitchen and we were talking about my sister's latest stint in the psych ward, but life was normal. Is that how he deals with being down? He chats a mile a minute? It's possible... it's possible that I've never noticed it and that's his coping mechanism but I wouldn't know. I'm just his daughter. I'm not supposed to look at him like he's a human; he's just Dad to me. Ok. That's just how I'm supposed to feel, right? Truth be told, I've always been able to see my Dad as human and fragile. I still remember sitting up until late at night to make sure that my Dad got home from his second job alright. I couldn't fall asleep until he was safe and sound in the house. I still remember the first time I ever saw him cry. He's human and I know it. I would just prefer to think of him as just Dad a little longer.

So, C also told me that he apparently feel guilty that he didn't help me pay for my undergrad degree. Hmm... now that I have to wonder about. The rule in our house was that he would pay X amount of dollars per year and after that we were responsible for securing the rest of the financing. I didn't think twice about it and just did what was needed to go to college. I paid off my student loans, nine years later and that was that. The problem, actually C says the guilt he feels, comes in when he ended up co-signing my youngest sister's loans. I guess she said that he feels guilty because I'm the only daughter that succeeded and is doing well and he never offered to help me out. I never thought twice about it. Not once did I think "Why didn't he do that for me?"

And so I bring myself to discussing my youngest sister, C. Dad found out this week from T that C has been admitted to the hospital again. She's been in the psych ward for at least three weeks so far and they're expecting her to be in there for another 6 weeks or more. They can't find a combination of drugs that will keep her bi-polar in check so they've decided to do electroshock therapy instead. I can't even tell you how bizarre all of this is to me. This is a girl that I grew up with. I've known her since she was three; the same age as E is right now. I don't understand how she could get this bad. And part of me just thinks that I'm relieved that she's out in California and I don't have to deal with any of it head on. That's awful of me to think about, but it's the truth.

Quote for the day:

Don't forget that I'm alone
when you're away.
-- Kristen Hersh