Closing windows and opening doors.

IUI #4 is coming up this week. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday to check out the progress of the follicles. It’s one day earlier than usual, but I’m wondering if it’s because they want to try track my lining or what. I have no idea and because it wasn’t my usual nurse making the appointment, I didn’t bother to ask. Silly of me, I know, but I was at work and couldn’t really talk or ask questions. At this point, I feel like I’m just going along with the flow. The protocol hasn’t changed much, so there’s no real new information out there for me to ask about.

I’ve been trying to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. Now that school is over, I’m trying to get the property in shape so that we can get it sold and move on with that portion of our lives too. R asked me this week what I wanted as a gift for completing my Masters. I told him that I wanted less debt. He kept pushing and pushing to get it out of me, to figure out what I wanted to buy for myself, and I kept telling him that I didn’t want anything. I wanted less debt. Finally he said “The debt is really bothering you that much?” and I told him yes. I remember vividly how terrible it was when I wasn’t working and we were struggling to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator. I don’t want to go through that again. When this second baby comes, I plan on taking two or three years off again and I really don’t ever want to be in that same position. Eliminating and paying down our debt is the only way to make sure that doesn’t happen again.

After my last post, I found out that our branch library posted the Children/Young Adult librarian position. So, I applied for that one too. That position would be so exciting to me! I would get to walk to work, it’s at my ‘home’ library, and I know the staff because I’ve been going there for so many years. So, now I have three potential positions available. I just have to keep on them and get the resumes in on-time. I already applied for the YA position, but now I need to work on the cover letter for the Program Coordinator and talk to our department head about the opening in our department.

I talked to my sister-in-law last night who is, unfortunately, going through the same process as me right now. Apparently she wasn’t ovulating at all, so they started her off on Clomid but then moved onto injections. It’s always weird talking to her about infertility. Believe me, I know how hard it is to live this rollercoaster month after month, but I get the sneaking feeling that she resents me for it. Now, don’t get me wrong, she’s the sweetest person on the planet. She’s one of those people that everyone likes and she’s genuinely just nice. But last night talking to her on the phone, I was talking about how hard this has been and she said something along the lines of “Appreciate the child you have.” I don’t think that people realize that infertility, whether it’s secondary or primary, hurts. It just plain hurts. I told her, without letting on that her words stung, that I felt like I was depriving E of a sibling and that it was even worse because I knew that my body was capable of getting pregnant but that I’m just not able to. I don’t know if she caught the drift or not but she suddenly became a little chilly and had to go answer some e-mail from work. Um, sure. On a Sunday afternoon. So then I felt like crap afterwards and silently resolved to just not talk to her again about it. Which sucks, because I really, really could use someone to talk to who’s going through it at the same time. We were also talking, before the mood changed, about what the next step was for both of us. I told her that R & I had talked to our RE and that if this next month wasn’t successful, we were most likely going to move onto IVF. I could sense something in her voice when she said “Oh, aren’t you even going to try IUI with injections?” I told her this was our fourth IUI. I said that after 18 months of trying, we weren’t ready to wait for three more months when IVF was where we were probably going to end up anyway.

I know I shouldn’t be upset or hurt by the conversation, but I am. I know it must be difficult for her to see my side, especially since she doesn’t have any children at all and I have E, but it doesn’t take away the fact that it’s still just as painful of a situation for me as it is for her. Yes, I’m grateful every second of every day that I have my son. But it doesn’t take away the heartache I feel when I get another negative beta. Or when I see someone holding a newborn. I still feel the same ache that she feels when I think about being pregnant. It doesn’t go away, even if you already have a child.

I’m starting to fret about the fact that we can’t seem to get a grip on my lining issues. If they can’t fix the lining issues, basically nothing will work for us. They won’t attempt an IVF cycle if my lining is too thin and as we know, IUI isn’t working for us. The RE told us that after six IUI attempts, they move onto another option because if you haven’t gotten pregnant with IUI after six tries, your odds of getting pregnant with IUI return to the same as getting pregnant naturally. So if we don’t fix the lining, we may never get pregnant at all. I don’t know how to deal with that right now. I just can’t think about it. I’ve been forcing myself to stay hopeful. Month after month, right after I get that negative test I tell myself “Ok, this next month has to be it. It will work this month. It has to.” What sort of idiot am I to keep telling myself this time and time again? Where does that blind hope come from?