7 days post 3-day transfer...

E is feeling a little better, but his cough is still so horrible that it keeps him up at night. Which means that Momma is kept up at night too. I haven’t slept well in four nights and my cold is finally starting to set in. I’m feeling pretty run down and just generally cranky. I was a complete moody witch last night to E, snapping at him when he didn’t eat dinner or go up the stairs fast enough when getting ready for bed. I know he doesn’t understand, but it’s so hard to keep my cool when I’m feeling so horrible myself. R is still out of town on business, so I’ve had to balance everything myself all week.

It’s officially been a week since my transfer and still, even though I’m not getting the "I’m finally pregnant!" feeling, I don’t have that overwhelming sense of failure either. It’s hard to pinpoint how I’m feeling about this cycle. Friends have asked me if I think it worked and I can’t honestly say yes, I think it did. That really scares me because I thought I’d just feel like it worked and I’m not feeling it. When I was at work this afternoon, I suddenly stopped in the middle of my office and this thin, small voice in my head said "It didn't work." It wasn't like it was a sad thing, or that it distressed me, it was just like my mind was stating a fact. Which is how all of my other intuitions have started. I'm trying to ignore that little voice and keep moving. I guess at this point I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I'm started to feel really doubtful. I will say, however, that I have been feeling crampy and I’m still getting these sharp pains in my belly now and then. I’m wondering if it’s a side effect of being on the Estrace for so long or if they are ‘growing uterus’ pains. I really don’t want to get my hopes up, but it’s so hard these days. Another sign: my skin is looking ‘normal’ as of today. I am very prone to breakouts before my period, and having one more day of clear skin makes me wonder what's going on.

This weekend is a three-day weekend for me and I am so looking forward to it. I’m hoping it’ll give me and E a chance to fully recover from our colds. I realized the other night that Monday will technically be 13 days after ovulation. Which means I might be able to test that day. I’m thinking I might have to test that day, in case it is negative. I’ll need the rest of the day to cope with the failure if it is negative. My period is due on January 22, and the beta is on the 23rd, so I’m thinking that only two days before beta would give me a reliable test result. Oh god, I really, really need to see two lines this time.