Welcome back to the Rollercoaster!

Hello, hello! It's hard to believe but the Christmas season is over and we're barreling toward the New Year. Our holiday was full of adventure, complete with a five hour drive to Upstate NY; a flat tire and being stranded on the Massachusetts turnpike for three hours because R took the wheel lock key out of his trunk; my sister-in-law dropping not-so-subtle hints that she's having a boy and my mother-in-law informing me that it was now my turn to 'give them a girl'; E getting what appears to be either tonsillitis or mono; R & I coming down with a terrible cold; and the usual gifts, family time and food. Just your typical holiday season!

After our hectic trip home, in which we got up at 4:00am to pack the car and drive from Syracuse to Providence, we made it to my RE appointment only ten minutes late. The nurse declared that the baseline ultrasound was what she would call 'a perfect ultrasound' and said that they would call that afternoon with my plan. After they reviewed all my results, the nurse called back and said that I can drop the Lupron to 5 units in the morning and start taking the 225 units of Follistim at night. The RE is also having me start the Estrace twice a day the same day I start the Follistim instead of waiting until day 5. Hopefully this will help out my lining, but there's no guarantee.

My chiropractor had to cancel all my appointments until after the New Year due to his wife's father dying. Oh dear god. How terrible is that? I know this is completely selfish, but I'm a little worried now because I'm starting the Follistim tonight and I was hoping to stay on track with the adjustments. I know, I know, slap me for being so selfish. I'm going to have to do my Yoga at home this week too, but that's because of the holiday. You don't need to slap me for being upset about that one.

Ok, I have to run now. E is still pretty sick and he's moaning for me to lay down with him on the couch. I can't say I mind. I'm still feeling pretty terrible myself.

I'm hoping that everyone is having a fantastic holiday season and that the New Year brings great news, luck and prosperity to us all.

I heard the bells...

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It still brings tears to my eyes to hear someone sing it. Thanks, dear Henry.

Giving vs. Receiving

Hard to believe that I start my stim injections next week. Which means my next retrieval is only a few weeks away. With the Christmas holiday being smack-dab in the middle of this IVF cycle, time just seems to be flying by. My period started this afternoon, right on time. It's good to know that my body is going through the same process as before and not causing any problems. Hopefully that's a good sign.

Not much new to report. Still sticking myself every morning and getting adjusted three times a week. Yoga was good this week, but my back is a little sore. The instructor had us do more back and arm positions this week, so I’m not surprised. I’m just glad it isn’t supposed to snow much in the next few days. I’d like just a little time to heal!

E seems to be feeling better, but then again it was 48 hours between the two ‘bad’ days, so I’m giving it one more day before I think we’re out of the woods. He was in a bit of a mood last night, but I’m thinking it was because he was tired and hungry after school. He only wanted pancakes for dinner and since it was just the two of us, I said it was fine. I had a bowl of cereal so who am I to tell him no to a few pancakes? After he took a bath and was tucked into bed I spent the night wrapping R’s Christmas gifts. I’d like to pick up one or two more small things, but I can’t figure out what the heck to get. I’ll have to tool around Target and see what I can find. He always goes so overboard on my gifts that I feel obligated to play catch-up with his. It sucks. For me, the gifts are always the worst part of the Holidays.

On the other hand, I got my gift in the mail from my best friend last night. Isn’t it amazing when you can feel such joy from a simple gift? She sent me some heavenly sock yarn and some amazing wool hand-dyed yarn, a new pattern book and two different needles. Joy, joy, JOY! I was just thinking a few days ago about how I need to find some good felting yarn so that I can knit a yoga bag for myself. The wool yarn will be perfect for the felting. And that is why she’s my best friend. Without even realizing it, she was reading my mind. Those are the gifts that really matter to me. Really.

Birthdays and everything after.

Let me just start this post by saying that I’m now convinced that my Birthday is just a cursed holiday. This will be the third year in a row that I’ve taken care of someone who’s sick, either child or otherwise.

R and I went to my office Christmas party on Friday night. Because the Nanny’s husband’s party was the same night, we decided to share a sitter with our friends J&C. Their son, C, is 15 months and E just loves playing with him. We drop E off at their house and he puts up a huge fuss about me leaving the house. That should have been my first tip-off, but I figured he was just putting on a show. Normally he’s pretty excited about meeting someone new. We left for the party and about an hour after we were there, R calls in to check on the kids. The sitter says that everyone is doing great: E just put his PJ’s on and she’s getting C ready for bed. We all figure that everything is great so we go ahead and party the night away. R has to leave around 8:30pm to go to work, so I stay with J&C and we stick around until about 10:00pm or so. All three of us had our cell phones and since we hadn’t heard from the sitter, we figure everything is fine. Wrong, wrong, wrong. As soon as we walk into the house, I see E standing in the bathroom wearing nothing but a blanket and a diaper. The sitter explained that she’s been trying to get in touch with us since 8:00pm but couldn’t get through to any of our cell phones. Apparently, E started throwing up about 15 minutes after R checked in. He had thrown up on four sets of clothing and had even thrown up in his sleep, all over the floor, the couch, everything. I felt like the world’s worst mother. I managed to clean him up as much as possible and pack up our stuff to get him home. He got sick again in the driveway but we were able to drive the 30 minutes home without an incident. He was sick a few more times at home, but finally passed out around 1:00am or so. I cleaned up his clothes, did a load of laundry to clean up the bed linens and I laid down on his floor with a sleeping bag until I was sure he was sleeping soundly. I crawled into bed around 3:00am when R got home from work. E woke up at 7:00am on Saturday, throwing up again but by 7:30am was asking me for a bowl of cereal.

By Saturday afternoon, E is pretty much alright. He was able to keep all of his breakfast down and other than a slight fever, he’s acting normal for the most part. Against my better judgment, R and I go out to dinner and leave E with my Dad. Just like the night before, E starts howling as soon as he realizes that I’m leaving the house so I start to panic, thinking he’s going to get sick again. I ask him if he wants me to put him to sleep and he says yes, so I read him his book and tuck him in. R and I leave for dinner and when we get home, Dad says that he’s been sleeping peacefully all night.

On Sunday the weather is just plain nasty and cold outside so we stay in all day, hanging out at home, catching up on laundry and watching the Patriots game. The three of us have a nice little pancake dinner and E even helps me mix the batter and cook the bacon. I put E to bed and then work on sending out our Christmas cards. When I finally get to bed, I can’t sleep and I keep tossing and turning until I hear E crying at midnight. When I go into his room he says his ears are popping. I try to explain that it happens sometimes when you have a stuffy nose and he needs to get some sleep. He asks for a drink of water and guzzles the whole cupful. I get back to bed and finally fall asleep. At 2:00am, he wakes up crying again and this time R gets up with him. As soon as R opens E’s door, E is walking toward him saying “I’m throwing up again, Daddy!” The two of them run to the bathroom and I jump out of bed. Poor kid had started vomiting in his sleep again. I clean everything up while R takes care of E in the bathroom and by 3:00pm, we’re all cleaned and back in bed. The rest of the night passes uneventfully and in the morning E is perfectly fine. I ended up keeping him home from school, just in case, but I have no idea what the heck is going on with my boy. No one that he’s come in contact with has been sick, he went 48 hours without being sick and then gets sick again. I’m hoping the worst has passed, but I just don’t know.

So that was my Birthday weekend. Just another Mom adventure, right?

The journey always ends, right?

Don't worry, it's not ending for me yet. I was surfing the net yesterday during my lunch hour, trying to make myself feel a little better about this cycle. I know that I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it, but there are some days when I feel so empty, so desperate for some sort of hope and reassurance that I reach out to the internet to find some comfort. Depending on how desperate I’m feeling, it either makes me feel better or makes me feel worse. Yesterday, I suddenly realized that almost every blog or personal link that I came across had the same conclusion: they all got pregnant.

Now a few months ago this would have made me cry. I would have started wallowing in a vat of self pity, worrying that it was never going to happen to me and just be plain miserable about it for a while. But yesterday was different: I stayed hopeful. Somehow, the thought came to me that I would eventually be one of those bloggers who finally gets to post about a doubling beta, getting a positive test, seeing a new baby on an ultrasound. Granted, I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I just feel like it’ll be sooner rather than later. Either way, I know that I’m just destined to ride this out and that it will be successful for us. There’s no rhyme or reason to infertility, especially secondary infertility. But there is always an end to the journey. And I’m almost there, I can feel it.

Pin cushion days are here again!

I started the Lupron shots this morning. I think my belly is just really used to getting stuck with needles because the shot didn't hurt one bit, even without icing it. Then again, it could have been because the migraine that I had overpowered all other pain, but that's another story. Yes, I have yet ANOTHER migraine, but I don't even want to think about it. I'm starting to wonder if the headaches are because of the birth control pills. After all, the whole reason I went off the pill five years ago was because of the migraines; I don't remember having nearly as many headaches when I was on all the meds last cycle.

E decided to wake up at 5:00am this morning and was bright and chipper as ever. I actually felt guilty for a hot second about making him go back to bed, but the headache was too much. I miss the days when I could just pick him up and bring him into bed with me, nurse him and then we'd both fall back asleep. I remember those days vividly... I miss them so much. Which is probably why I want another baby right NOW.

And speaking of wanting babies... I will fully admit that I will almost be disappointed if we don't get twins out of this mess. Yes, I will feel unbelievably blessed when this works, but I really would like to be DONE with infertility for ever and ever and in my heart I just know that I want three kids. Having twins would get the whole conceiving-again problem out of the way and it would allow the two babies to grow up with their own playmates, since E is getting too old to play with babies. It bothers me that he's going to be so much older than his siblings, but it is what it is; I can't fix it anymore than I already am.

I forgot to mention, not only did I buy a maternity dress last weekend, but I started knitting a baby sweater. My first. I'm remaining hopeful.

Oh dear God in Heaven.

I know it seems like I say this all the time, but can you believe I’m coming down with yet ANOTHER cold? Or maybe it’s the same cold I’ve had for a month and it just won’t leave. Either way, it’s annoying and bugging me that I can’t get rid of it. I’d really like a few days where I just plain feel good again!

The chiropractor told me yesterday that my little spill on the ice actually sprained my neck. Of all things I need, a sprained neck is just NOT one of them. Sigh. So, he adjusted me yesterday and I went home to get ready for my yoga class. I will admit, I really, really didn’t want to go, but I forced myself and was glad that I did it. Of course, I am paying for it big time this morning. My back is SO sore that I could barely get out of bed. Everything just plain hurts. It’s hard to tell if it’s from the fall or if the yoga got to me. The class was fantastic and I was sweating like a monster, but I am one sore, sore woman today. This complimentary care stuff is enough to kill me.

The mail-order pharmacy called yesterday to confirm that they were shipping my meds overnight and to give me the price. It still kills me that the co-pay alone is over $500. I’ve said it once before, but I can’t imagine having to pay for the meds out of pocket without insurance. I know I’m griping about having to pay 20%, and don’t think that I’m not grateful, but man, infertility is EXPENSIVE.

I had the realization this morning while making E’s breakfast that I doubt there’s ever going to be a point where we just stop trying. If none of this works, I have a feeling we’ll just keep going and going. How else can you explain couples that try for eight, nine, ten years? They must get to the same point. I have such mixed emotions about starting this next cycle. Part of me is still really scared about the ‘what ifs’ again and part of me just feels like it’s going to work. I’m trying not to focus too much on the final outcome and just take the journey one step at a time.

Welcome Winter... you can leave now.

This is just not the way that I want to start this week, let alone this Winter. This morning when I went out to start my car, I noticed that R had thought ahead last night and graciously and wisely spread ice melt all over the front steps and front walk. As I’m singing his praises in my head, I take one step onto the driveway and fall straight to the ground, banging my chin on the pavement and twisting my back. Oh boy. I can’t even remember the last time I slipped on ice and fell this hard. I thank God that E wasn’t with me. Somehow I manage to get myself off the ground, slip and slide to my car and start it. E peeked his head out of the house and I told him to wake Daddy up to help me. I slip across the driveway again, barely staying upright, and make it safely back into the house. R is freaking out now because of the lump on my chin which has now reached visible proportions and he throws clothes on to go salt the rest of the driveway. What a way to start the week. The chiropractor is just going to love this one.

So, this week is going to get better, I know it. I start my Lupron injections on Wednesday and Saturday is my birthday. It’s going to get better…

When little boys grow up...

E has been such a sponge lately that it's almost frightening. Yesterday he told me about a 'dream' he had where there were cheerleaders saying hello to everyone and then robbers came and shot them all because they wouldn't stop saying hello. Holy CRAP. I was so freaked out that I told R was he said and it turns out that E was looking at R's DVDs and E asked him what the people were doing on it. R has a tendency to love war and mob movies, so I don't doubt it was something war related. Still, it's so scary to think of your four-year-old talking about shooting cheerleaders. It made my stomach turn.

This morning we were watching Disney channel and they had some funny little skit on by They Might Be Giants. It was called 'Triops has three eyes' and ever since, E's been running around the house saying "TRIOPS HAS THREE EYES!!!" At least some of the sponge-like qualities are funny.

Later this afternoon, I took E with me to Target so I could pick up some more undies and PJ's for him. When I got what I needed, I browsed through the sale racks and came across a really cute maternity dress for $7.00. And I bought it. Talk about jumping the gun. I think you can officially consider me crazy now.

Just another feeling...

While I was driving home tonight I suddenly had this strange realization about WHY I'm not getting pregnant. Here's my thinking: we already know that the RE thinks we have an embryo quality issue. It takes five to seven days for the fertilized egg to make it's little journey from the tubes to the uterus. If we have an embryo quality issue, that amount of time could be the reason we're not getting pregnant. It could be that by the time the embryos get to the uterus, they're too weak or too diminished to implant. So, by transferring them on day three and giving them a head start with the assisted hatching, we could bypass those problems and it would mean a successful cycle this time around. I know it's all just a theory, but when the thought came into my head, I actually said outloud "And that's why this cycle is going to work!" It's just one of those feelings that comes around. It might not be fact, but it certainly feels like it.

It makes me happy.

On the same page...

While eating lunch this afternoon, I remembered the name of one of the medications I had seen someone mention in their IVF protocol that had to do with implantation: Medrol. It's been stuck in my head for the past few weeks, so I decided to look it up and see what it was all about and why it was used during IVF. I remember asking my RE about it last cycle, but he said that it was usually only used for people doing a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) and because we were doing a fresh cycle, it wasn't necessary. So, I did some research today and lo-and-behold one of the links that came up was for my RE's office. The link stated that they usually add it to the FET/IVF protocol and they add it when women use Assisted Hatching because there's some evidence that it can help with implantation and decrease the likelihood that the embryos will be thought of as foreign invaders and be rejected (a common problem in failed implantation). Right away, I picked up the phone and called the RE's office, since I hadn't seen Medrol on my list of meds for this cycle. The nurse called back a few minutes later and said that the RE had already ordered it for this cycle. It wasn't on the meds list because they only prescribe it right before the retrieval and since it's common, they just let you pick it up at the local pharmacy rather than ordering it through mail order (which is how I get the rest of my meds).

It's nice to be on the same page as the RE again. It means that I'm on the right track with all my worrying and he's on the right track with my protocol. I'm taking it as a good sign.

New cycle dates are in!

I finally broke down and called the IVF coordinator yesterday to get my dates for this coming cycle. I knew that she was on vacation for a few days last week, but it was just getting too close for comfort and so I called her. Good thing I did… the dates are coming up soon! Here’s how cycle number two is going to play out:

Start Lupron injections (10 units in the morning) on Wednesday, December 12.
Take my last birth control pill on Sunday, December 16. Period should arrive a few days later.
Go in for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday, December 26. Wait for go ahead to start Follistim injections, somewhere between December 27 and December 28.
Tentative egg retrieval on Tuesday, January 8, 2008.
Transfer two embryos on day three, tentatively on Friday, January 11, 2008.

And there you have it. My life for the next four weeks. Of course, the dates are still tentative, but considering how I responded last time around, I’m sure it’ll only be about one day off. I already put in for vacation time from January 8 through January 11, so I’ll be nice and relaxed this time around. At least that’s the plan. Gosh, I’m wondering if it’s such a good idea to actually take all that time off. I mean, I know I need the retrieval date to recuperate, but staying home between the retrieval and the transfer is going to be torture… Well, at least it isn’t a five-day transfer this time around. If I had to do that again it would probably kill me.

My headache is finally gone. Thank GOD! I decided to just muscle through it yesterday and I pretended my head didn’t hurt. By the time I got home, it was still tender and sore, but R was working and I had to just get through the night with E, so I took it easy. I made PB&J sandwiches for dinner and did some housework while E played. I got another load of laundry done and was able to vacuum the entire upstairs. I’m wondering if keeping busy helped the headache subside. Either way, it really was mind over matter. Luckily, this morning it is all gone. Maybe I can actually do some yoga tonight…

Struggling through the days...

The chiropractor’s appointment went well yesterday. We reviewed my x-ray films and boy, am I really messed up. He said that my lower back looks great, but there is a definite curve from my mid-back all the way up through my neck. He also said that the curve in my neck is bad enough to be called mild scoliosis of the neck. Oh boy. He adjusted my hips, mid back and neck and was pleased to see that he felt some movement in the right direction after the adjustment. As for me, I felt a little weird afterwards and only a few hours later I had another raging migraine. I ended up going to bed by 8:00pm. How in the world am I going to get healthy if I can’t even stay up past 8:00pm? The headache was still there this morning, so I had to take two ibuprofen just to get through the day. Right now I feel like I’m in a complete fog; I can’t concentrate, my vision is blurry and I’m just miserable. Ugh.

There was a really interesting article in Newsweek this week about the connection between fertility and your dietary habits. I already knew most of the information (due to all of the research I’ve done over the past two years, not because I’m just a smarty pants), but I was really shocked to find out a few things. I’ve heard that a high-protein diet was important when trying to conceive, but most of the time the literature didn’t differentiate between animal protein (eggs and meats) and plant proteins (peas, beans, nuts). This study said that too much animal proteins can actually hamper certain types of infertility (specifically ovulatory infertility, where the woman has problems ovulating and releasing an egg) and that adding more plant proteins can boost fertility. They also said that whole milk can boost fertility while skim and low fat milks can actually hurt fertility. That one was a shocker to me. But, all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt, so to speak. In my case, I fall into that lovely 10% of women who have unexplained infertility: none of that information really applies to me. I ovulate fine, I just can’t get pregnant. But, it doesn’t mean that it would hurt me to adopt some of the ideas. The funny part is that I already drink whole milk because I hate the taste of skim. Unfortunately, I don’t drink enough of it! I get probably one or two servings a week, which is terrible. I also don’t eat much animal protein, but I will add more plant based protein in the next few months. Any little change can help.

I also finally went out and bought more fish oil capsules and I stocked up on CQ-10 as well. Both of these supplements are supposed to be good for your heart, which in turn can help circulation and possibly boost the blood going to the vital organs, including the uterus. It’s just a theory but many people swear that it helped their lining as well. If you remember, in September my lining got up to an almost healthy 7.4mm and I was taking fish oil at the time as part of my vitamin supplements. I stopped soon after because I ran out, and my lining was a terrible 5.4mm during my IVF cycle. Even though the RE is convinced that my lining is not an issue, I’d personally like to see it around the 7.5mm mark so I’m doing everything I can think of to get it higher this time around. The CQ-10 supposedly also boosts egg and sperm quality. R’s vitamin already has CQ-10 in it, so I bought the supplement for me and will take it with my other two vitamins. Once again, any little change might help…

Turning 'wish' into 'will'...

I was a complete lump on a log last night. I had all these ambitions to start my yoga and I ended up doing one load of laundry and plopping on the couch and watching 'Jon & Kate plus 8'. Bad, bad idea. If you've never seen the show, it's about a husband and wife that underwent fertility treatments to have their children. The first time they had twins; the second time they had SIX. Yes, six babies. It was like a drug: I knew it was going to mess me up, but I couldn't stop. And of course, as soon as it was over I started crying and thinking "God, please, I just want ONE more baby. You gave them six... I just want one." Not a great way to end the night.

It hit me as I was walking up to bed, repeating over and over "God, please, please make this work. I really want just one more baby" that I need to start changing the "I wish I could get pregnant" into "I WILL get pregnant." That's what I need to concentrate on. Yes, I'm going to have crappy, bad, pity-me days. But those days aren't the majority and I know that this is eventually going to work. I will get pregnant again. Granted, I don't know when or how long it's going to take or even how we'll get there, but I just know it's going to work. I know it. I WILL get pregnant again.

Keepin' on...

It seems like my cold is finally coming to an end. Plus, my migraine is finally gone after a full five days of lingering around. I had my first appointment with the chiropractor today and to use his own words, “You’re lucky you came in when you did!” Apparently I’m all sorts of messed up. My right leg is ½ inch longer than my left, the right side of my hip is almost immobile and I have some problems with three different vertebra. Basically, I’m just a mess. He had me go for X-rays this morning and I’m supposed to go back tomorrow for a follow-up and to review the film with him. I always love looking at my own bones. I wonder what other funny things he’ll find. I’m really excited about the possibility that I might actually start to feel better. I’m even more excited to see how (and if) this will affect my body in other ways. I mentioned to the Dr. that I am undergoing infertility treatments (he asked what medications I was on and was a little shocked when I laughed and rattled them off in seconds), and he mentioned that there is some evidence that chiropractic care has helped with infertility treatments in the past. I’m not looking for it to be the solution to all our problems, but I honestly feel like getting all these pieces in a row can’t hurt. Sort of like polishing the temple before you say your prayers, right?

Otherwise, life is just marching on. I’m feeling a little sluggish today, but I’m sure it’s because of the cold weather we’re having. It’s a whopping 30 degrees here today and rainy. E is doing magnificently on his potty-training. He’s now been in ‘big-boy-undies’ for 11 days without a single accident. Granted, he’s still wet about 50% of the time after a nap and he’s wet every morning, but first things first. It’s just such a welcome change that I can’t fault him too much for being a little slower with the rest of it.

Work is still crazy beyond belief. I can’t remember if I posted this before, but I decided that I’m taking the time between my next retrieval and transfer off entirely, plus one extra day after the transfer. I have some vacation time built up and I figured now was as good as any time to start using it up. Now if the IVF coordinator would just call me we could get this show on the road.