I do have a life you know... really I do!

Just so that you don't think that I sit around and obsess about getting pregnant every second of the day, I'll post something besides TTC-talk. I had to go to the auto shop today to get new tires put on my Honda. I love Hondas but I'm starting to get a little ticked that they aren't keeping up with the times, you know? Why aren't people pissed off that we can't get better mileage for our cars these days? They've been doing it all over the world but yet America is still SO far behind in our thinking that it frightens me. Seriously. That's why I'm hoping companies like A123Systems will step up and make something happen. They are making a battery for the Hybrid plug-in that will go 175 miles per gallon. Yes, you read that right: 175 miles per gallon. And I just can't understand why people aren't linin' up to get one. Makes me crazy.

So, in addition to getting new tires, I finally found some flank steak so that I can try out this new beef jerky recipe I've been dying to make. It involves a box fan, two pounds of meat and some bungee cords. I kid you not. My mouth is watering just thinking about it... I can't wait until tomorrow. I'm gonna dry me some meat.

School work is plugging along. I'm silently talking to my ovaries (come on, you can do it) and this afternoon I stopped at the library to pick up my stick-figure book. It made my day.

Just another day in paradise!

I’m sure your not surprised, but not much has changed around here over the past few days. Well, little things have changed, so I guess that’s why I’m even bothering to post. School is now officially over in three, count them, THREE weeks. And true to form, I haven’t started working on any of the final projects yet. Oy. This is going to be a hectic final three weeks. I really have no idea how I’m going to get any of this done, but as you know, it will eventually get done. Just three weeks left. And one comp exam to go.

I went for my monthly ritual progesterone blood test this morning. So now I’m waiting for the results. I’m certain that they’ll come back with the usual ‘Yes, you’ve ovulated!’ results. I wish that was enough consolation right now, but it’s not. I’m supposed to go for my beta next Friday, but I’m not looking forward to that blood test at all. See, that test will be on 13DPO and I normally don’t start spotting until 14DPO. So, having my blood work done to confirm that I’m just not pregnant again is going to be such a nice little slap in the face. Hence my dread.

But, just in case you think I’ve lost all hope, I had this sudden realization last night while driving home. I don’t know where it came from or what it means, but I suddenly had this thought of “It could have worked this month.” Now, I’m not saying that I think it did, but I’ve had these lightning moments before. They come out of nowhere and literally hit me like a flash of lightning. Sometimes they’re right, sometimes not, but it was really strange to get one about this particular subject since I haven’t had a good feeling about the IUI this month. So now I’m not sure what to think. I’m back in limbo-land. And feeling pretty damn nauseous while I’m there.

And, as I'm writing this, I get the phone call from the nurse. Turns out that I did ovulate, as we knew I would. But the real news is that at six days post-ovulation my progesterone level is at 25.1. Holy COW. Now I’m starting to get nervous. The highest my levels have ever gotten was 16. I did some research (come on, are you really that surprised?) and found that normal levels for days 1DPO to 14DPO are between 9 and 28; normal levels for a first trimester pregnancy are between 9 and 47. Now, since I’m only six days past ovulation, this number could be high because the IUI did work or it could be high because progesterone levels usually climb until the body gets the ‘no fertilized egg’ signal and then it drops. I could go around and around on this one for hours, but I won’t. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what develops. This is maddening, isn’t it???

Treading water

I don't even know what to write anymore. Every day I feel like I bitch about the same things. Day in and day out. Nothing seems to change. I'm boring myself for God's sake.

Pissed-off muffin.

I don't know if it's hormones or the fact that my husband is a freaking child, but I'm just in a downright pissy mood today. I won't even get started with what set me off (they're too numerous to name at this point) but I'm just red-hot-mad. Grrrr... I hate being so cranky. Plus, to make it worse, R went to some event tonight and E was in his usual crying, whiny, cranky-child mood when I picked him up from school. He fell asleep in the car and by the time I got through the 45 minutes of traffic and got him in the house, everything just ticked him off. He cried if I left the room, he cried if I sat down next to him, he cried if the wind blew. Seriously. It was enough to make me want to freak. And, as usual, my darling husband is no where to be found. You know, it must be really nice to live his life. He gets to stay out late, do what he wants when he wants, come home to a wife and child, a clean house, food in the fridge. It must really be nice.

Not feeling much in the way of pregnant. I still have no real hopes for this cycle. I keep getting these strange cramps that come and then go as quickly as they came, but I'm sure it's nothing. Plus, I've been having pretty good mucus for the last few days, but I have no idea what the hell that's all about. I mean, I'm 3DPO so why am I still getting decent mucus? Then again, I've learned that nothing is normal with my body anymore. It may look normal on the outside, but inside I'm nothing but a mess.

I did start doing research for my final project in my Research class. Of course, there seems to be so little data on my topic, so I'm scrounging for articles for the bibliography. I hate when that happens. As it is, I had to severely cut back on my topic because it was so obscure and I'm still not really finding much. Oh well. Four weeks left...

The weather is finally perking up around here. It almost got warm enough for me this afternoon. I think it hit around 93 when I was driving home. E flipped out that the windows were down (too much wind!), so I had to drive with the AC on. I would much rather have had the fresh air, but so be it. Part of my Mom duties, I guess.

I came to the decision yesterday that if this INFERTILE life is the one God has stuck me with, I'm quitting my job to stay home with E for a few more years. If I'm not able to have any more kids and if IVF isn't an option for us because of the thin lining issue, I'm pretty much going to make sure I spend as much time with my only son as possible before he goes to school. I'll put the moving plans aside and let R work his ass off for a few more years so that I can stay home and raise my boy. I felt better knowing that I have a 'Plan B', just in case. We're supposed to meet with the RE in a few weeks if this IUI wasn't successful. I'm sure he's not ready to call it quits at this point, but I'm going to ask him to just lay it on the table and tell us what our odds really are at this point. If I quit my job, the infertility treatments stop anyways, because we won't be able to afford the insurance coverage out of pocket anymore. But that will be it anyways. As much as I like having a new career, I miss being a SAHM. It would be nice to be with E full-time again if it comes to that. Everything is a trade-off, right?

Going downhill...

The bad news just seems to keep coming this cycle. When I went in for the IUI on Saturday morning, the nurse told me that the doctor was not pleased with the results of the ultrasound from the day before. It turns out that the 5.4mm stripe is much less than he would like to see for an IUI. The nurse told me that they were going to attempt the IUI anyway, just so that they didn’t miss the window, but that the doctor wanted me to come in on Monday morning for another ultrasound. They normally like to see the stripe at a minimum of 7mm and the doctor was hoping that it was just slow in building. So, the nurse attempts the IUI, but at this point, I was completely deflated. I had no idea the results weren’t good. Here I was thinking that the 18.5mm follicle was a good sign and lo-and-behold something else becomes an issue.

I also got a peak at the sperm washing results and was able to jot down the numbers before the nurse came in. The total motility was 14.00 and when I asked her how the results were, she said that they were a little low and that normally the doctor likes to see them between 40 and 60. She said that anything above a 10 was still viable. So, now we're dealing with a low count too.

After the IUI, I trekked on down to school to sit in class all day until 5:00pm. When I got to class, the professor announced that our lunch hour was going to be a barbecue at her house. I don’t think that I’ve ever been invited to a professor’s house for lunch during class! It was a nice chance to get outside, but my mind was just elsewhere, as you can imagine. After the lunch, we spent the rest of the class going over the final project. When I left, I could feel a migraine starting and by the time I got home, it had hit full-force. I crawled up to bed at 6:00pm and didn’t get up again until midnight to change into my pajamas and take my contacts out. My head was still killing me so I crawled back into bed and woke up at 6:00am with E chatting his head off.

Sunday was a gorgeous day for our Thomas outing. We took our time getting up there, stopping at Wendy’s for lunch and getting there early so that E could ride the merry-go-round and play on some of the other trains. Our ride on Thomas was nice, and E was just so well-behaved the entire time. He didn’t even nap on the way home because he was so excited from the adventure. I was just plain exhausted, again. Four more weeks of school left… keep repeating that to myself…

This morning I went in for the next ultrasound to see if that lining had gotten any thicker and no luck. Still at 5.4mm. I asked the nurse what the lining was two months ago when my OB ordered the tests and the nurse said it was only at 5.9mm then. So obviously this is now becoming an issue, not just a one-time problem. The nurse said that he RE might recommend some sort of supplement to help things along, but she wasn’t sure if he would try it this month or next month.

And here I am. Thin lining, low count, IUI #2 and no way to know if this is ever going to work. I had the realization last night that if the lining doesn’t improve, it is highly unlikely that the RE will put me on any fertility drugs, since the side effects are often a thinner lining.

God. This just has to get better. This just has to work somehow. I just want to get pregnant. I'm so deflated and depressed by this news. I'm starting to lose all hope that I will ever have another child. I keep wondering if I could ever get used to the thought of adopting another baby. I just don't know if I could ever do it. I keep thinking how sad it would be for E to never have a sibling. But I still can't bring myself to consider adoption. Not after the childhood I had, not with the numerous step-parents and how it was to grow up without my 'real' mother, as screwed up as she was (and is).

I'm losing hope. I feel like I'm starting to hit bottom. I just can't believe that this is what my life has come to: infertility. I want so much to believe but I feel like there's nothing else to believe in. I feel like this is never going to work. I feel like I am destined to be infertile forever.

Edited to add:

I just got a call back from the RE's nurse. (As an aside, even though I bitch about having to go through this, I am at least happy about having a competent doctor's office. It's nice to have them call me back within a few hours; it's nice that they work every day, holidays included and are basically self-contained. I love the fact that the nurse called me back at 1:49pm; they return calls between 1:00pm and 5:00pm... so she called only 49 minutes after they started returning phone calls. It's just comforting.)

Anyways, the nurse said that the RE looked at my results and has decided not to do anything else this month. He said that even though the lining is very thin, it looks more mature today than it did on Friday and so he's going to leave it be. She did say "The doctor thinks that everything looks good, but if we're not successful this month, he'll most likely put you on Estrace for the next cycle. But everything looks like it's progressing as it should." Basically, I had a nice egg growing, the lining is thin, but mature, so we'll see what happens. I'm not hopeful, but it was nice to hear that the RE was hopeful. Maybe he should get pregnant instead!

Is 18.5 going to be my lucky number?

Wouldn’t you know it, my FM gave me a peak reading this morning. So the whole ticket fight was a waste of time. And, yes, R got the tickets switched with just one phone call. I’m telling you, it’s enough to make me wish I was a man sometimes.

So, knowing that the FM gave me a peak, I was particularly glad that I pushed for a CD12 ultrasound instead of waiting until the normal CD13 or 14. This month’s peak reading is a full two days earlier than my normal CD14 peak, so I was a little surprised to see it this morning. Still, last month I went from low to peak overnight on CD12 to CD13, so I guess I should be too surprised. Anyways, the ultrasound this morning showed a nice big follicle at 18.5mm and an endometrial stripe of 5.4mm so we’re good to go for our second IUI tomorrow morning at 9:45am. R drops his boys off at 8:45am, and then I’ll go to the doctor’s an hour later and then head to class for the rest of the day. It’s going to be torturous to have to sit in a class all day, but I can’t miss it. I would have much rather have had the chance to come home and relax, but so be it.

I have the day off work today, so I’m spending the day catching up on homework and errands around the house.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is the month it’s going to work for us. I just have to keep up hope. Seeing that 18.5 follicle was a good sign. It has to be.

Got toothpicks?

Alright. The exhaustion has kicked in. I cannot even begin to describe how tired I am feeling right now. I’ve been walking around in a complete foggy daze for the last week and I just can’t drag myself out of it. Last night I walked outside to put a letter in the mailbox and I put it in the trash instead. See what I mean?

The Thomas the Train ticket drama is still on-going. I’ve been fighting with the ticket company for the entire week and last night they finally agreed to refund my service charge. Big flipping deal. The ‘supervisor’ told me that he was not authorized to refund or exchange the tickets and that it had to be authorized through the venue, which had denied my request. So, after hours of haggling, I just gave up and handed the whole mess over to R. He’s calling this morning to fight it out with the venue. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a male or what, but things always seem to get done when he tackles it. I spent probably three hours of my life dealing with this crap and he’ll spend ten minutes on the phone and it’ll get done. Makes me sick to think how little power or influence women have over these situations. It also makes me sick to think how ridiculous this whole situation has become. They’re tickets to a kids event, not to visit the freaking Pope. Trust me, the world will not stop rotating if we change our boarding time from 11:30am to 3:30pm. What is this world coming to???

And so now I’m quickly approaching IUI number two. My FM went up to a high reading this morning, a day earlier than it usually does. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7:00am tomorrow morning so that they can check to see if I have any follicles developing. The IUI will most likely take place either Saturday or Sunday morning. With the first high reading coming this morning, my money is on Saturday; wouldn’t that just be my luck? After wasting all that time and stress over those freaking tickets, I would ovulate on Saturday and not even need the tickets to be changed? Ah, that would be my luck.

Classes are going well, just kicking my ass in the meantime. Have I mentioned how tired I am? I feel like I need those cartoon toothpicks to keep my eyelids up. Still, I’m officially half-way through the whole ordeal; only five weeks left of this hell.

E, at three-and-a-half, has found his inner sassiness. God, it’s wearing me down. He’s picked up the new habit of ‘bathroom talk’ as he calls it. Every other word out of his mouth is poop or pee-pee or diaper. He thinks it’s just downright hilarious; I think it’s disgusting. I know it’s a phase, but it’s one that I will NOT miss. He’s also developed this amazingly soft and tender side too. We went to a cookout for Father’s Day and C’s eight-month-old grandson was there. E wanted to hold him so bad and every time he fussed or cried, E would coo “Shhh… it’s ok baby. I’m here. It’s ok.” It was enough to make me tear up. He deserves to be a big brother. I’m angry at myself for not being able to give him a sibling. I’m even more furious with myself for having the gall to think that it would happen again so easily for us and for waiting until ‘just the right time’ to try to get pregnant. I had it all planned out that the kids would be three-and-a-half years apart. What a fool. What a completely stupid fool.

What is the world coming to?

The lack of compassion in this world just astounds me. Really. I bought tickets for one of those Day Out with Thomas events those coming Sunday for E’s birthday. I probably bought them back in March or April. I realized last night that this Sunday will be day 14 of my cycle, which will probably be the day of our next IUI. So, I called the ticket seller this morning to ask if I can exchange the tickets for a later time, saying that I had a family emergency come up that I have to attend to in the morning. I said that I didn’t want to refund the tickets, but make an exchange instead. The “service” person said that there were no refunds of exchanges allowed. I asked to speak to a supervisor and when she came on, I explained that I wanted an exchange because of a family matter I had to attend to in the morning. She said that there were no exchanges allowed and actually had the gall to ask me “What kind of family emergency is it?” I was so pissed that she would even have the nerve to pry that I went into my co-workers office for privacy and said “I’m having artificial insemination that day and they cannot reschedule it. I would like to be able to exchange my tickets for a later train instead.” The supervisor said that she could send out an ‘email request’ but that it would take 24 to 48 hours to get approval to exchange the tickets. What in the world is wrong with people these days? Do you really think the world is going to explode because you let me exchange my Thomas the Tank Engine tickets for a later time in the day? Is it really necessary to be such an uncompassionate, corporate lackey and not for one second, think how it would be to just be nice? I was so upset by the whole ordeal that I sat in J’s office and just couldn’t stop the tears. I was so frustrated and angry that this person couldn’t be more understanding. And this is the world that I want to bring another child into?

So, I’m going to give them 24 hours and see what their ‘response’ is to my request. If they deny my exchange, I’ll go higher up. I can’t even believe I have to worry about crap like this. This is beyond ridiculous.

Not waving, drowning...

Why, oh why in the world did I ever have the balls to think that I could pull off three classes at once? I totally screwed myself last night by almost forgetting to do a five-page-paper. I just totally forgot about it until about three hours before it was due. Holy CRAP, that was stupid of me! So I whipped up the world's worst paper and sent it off, not even bothering to proofread it afterwards. Lord, give me strength these next six weeks. Keep telling me I can do this... it's only six weeks left. I can survive... I got approval yesterday to take the comprehensive exam to graduate so that's in four weeks. And yes, I haven't even thought about studying for that exam either. But at this point, if I don't know it, I just don't know it. I'll be sure to take a few hours sometime soon to sit down and review some basic concepts, but it'll probably be at the last minute. The concept of time just doesn't exist for me right now. It just doesn't. I am my own Black Hole.

My father's girlfriend called tonight to chat. Now, don't get me wrong. I like chatting with her, it's just that hearing about the 'other side' of my Dad's life that weirds me out. Take tonight for example: C called to ask me if I would be interested in going over to her house for Father's Day because, as she put it "Your Dad's been pretty down lately." I was just with the man last night and he seemed dandy to me. He talked a blue streak and I couldn't get a word in edgewise, but that's pretty normal. He was showing off the work he's done on the kitchen and we were talking about my sister's latest stint in the psych ward, but life was normal. Is that how he deals with being down? He chats a mile a minute? It's possible... it's possible that I've never noticed it and that's his coping mechanism but I wouldn't know. I'm just his daughter. I'm not supposed to look at him like he's a human; he's just Dad to me. Ok. That's just how I'm supposed to feel, right? Truth be told, I've always been able to see my Dad as human and fragile. I still remember sitting up until late at night to make sure that my Dad got home from his second job alright. I couldn't fall asleep until he was safe and sound in the house. I still remember the first time I ever saw him cry. He's human and I know it. I would just prefer to think of him as just Dad a little longer.

So, C also told me that he apparently feel guilty that he didn't help me pay for my undergrad degree. Hmm... now that I have to wonder about. The rule in our house was that he would pay X amount of dollars per year and after that we were responsible for securing the rest of the financing. I didn't think twice about it and just did what was needed to go to college. I paid off my student loans, nine years later and that was that. The problem, actually C says the guilt he feels, comes in when he ended up co-signing my youngest sister's loans. I guess she said that he feels guilty because I'm the only daughter that succeeded and is doing well and he never offered to help me out. I never thought twice about it. Not once did I think "Why didn't he do that for me?"

And so I bring myself to discussing my youngest sister, C. Dad found out this week from T that C has been admitted to the hospital again. She's been in the psych ward for at least three weeks so far and they're expecting her to be in there for another 6 weeks or more. They can't find a combination of drugs that will keep her bi-polar in check so they've decided to do electroshock therapy instead. I can't even tell you how bizarre all of this is to me. This is a girl that I grew up with. I've known her since she was three; the same age as E is right now. I don't understand how she could get this bad. And part of me just thinks that I'm relieved that she's out in California and I don't have to deal with any of it head on. That's awful of me to think about, but it's the truth.

Quote for the day:

Don't forget that I'm alone
when you're away.
-- Kristen Hersh

I never said I was an optimist (aka I hate it when I'm right).

So, it wasn’t our lucky month after all. The IUI was not successful. I started spotting last night and today was officially the first day of a new cycle. I didn’t take it as hard as I thought I would, but I was still upset by seeing that negative test yesterday morning. R was upset too, but he’s trying to take it in stride. I broke down and asked him if he ever thought we would have another baby. He told me yes, he thinks we will and he thinks we’re right on the edge of succeeding. He’s really the eternal optimist sometimes.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m upset that we have to try again. Ok, I won’t even say I’m upset. I’m furious. I’m discouraged, I’m sad, I’m depressed about it. It’s just such a terrible, terrible place to be in for me. I keep thinking about how impersonal, how cold the whole experience was for me and it bothers me to know that I have to do it again. Will this child ever be conceived? Am I really only meant to have one child and never have another? Will I be going against nature by conceiving another baby? My body is just not allowing me to get pregnant. Is there a reason for all of this?

And still, life goes on. I still have to get up, go to work, take care of my son, make dinners, make lunches. The world still spins and I feel like I’m stuck in this hell that is INFERTILITY. It doesn’t make any sense to me anymore.

I took E to the market with me last night and while waiting at the deli counter, every pregnant woman in the place suddenly surrounded me. Every where I looked, there was another huge, pregnant woman walking towards me. I wanted to run away screaming “You don’t know how lucky you are!” but I just averted my eyes and bravely ordered my sliced ham. It’s ridiculous how often I see pregnant women now. It’s like I’m a freaking magnet and they just come out of the woodwork to torment me, throwing it in my face that I can’t have another baby. And yet they have no clue how it makes me feel to see them, big and pregnant and happy. I’m so envious of them that I can’t even see straight. I hate feeling like this.

Other than that, my life is just moving along. I only have six weeks of hell, um, I mean classes to go through now. My advisor approved my plan of study, only 18 months late, so I’m clear for graduating in July. Holy crap, I’ll be graduated in July! That brings so much joy to my mind that I can’t begin to express it. I can’t wait to be a vegetable again. To have nothing to do but work in the day and read or knit or sleep at night. Ahhh, now that would be pure heaven. Almost. To be doing it all while fat and pregnant would be the ultimate heaven.

As for my optimism…

When it is dark enough,
you can see the stars.
-- Charles A. Beard

The rollercoaster that is my life...

What a crappy few days it's been. Ok, make that a crappy week or so. Sigh.

We found out on Friday that R's cousin, Sarah, passed away. She was 21 years old. They diagnosed her with leukemia on Wendesday or so and she was gone by Friday. It makes no sense to me that she just died like that. Then again, I don't know why I'm even the least bit shocked. I knew as soon as R told me that Sarah was sick that it wasn't going to be a good outcome. Now that's not just the usual pessimist in me; the whole situation just reminded me of what happened with Andrew: diagnosed on one day and dead three days later. It's just such a waste.

So, we flew to Detroit to attend the services. This was my first funeral for a young person. It was just plain terrible. I kept thinking, she's only 10 years younger than me. Why? Why does this happen to anyone? What must her mother be feeling right now? Will that hole that she's left in her mother's heart ever heal?

On top of dealing with that tragic event, I'm pretty much convinced that our IUI this month failed. I'm getting a migraine which means the estrogen is dropping again, which means no pregnancy. I'm trying not to allow myself to get too upset about it. I have too many other things to concentrate on right now, mainly school. But it still stings to think I have to undergo yet another month of poking, prodding, embarrasing procedures and the wondering, waiting and torture of that damned fertility monitor.

I'm feeling blue. I really wanted to be pregnant again. I am starting to feel like it will never, ever happen again. I'm just not alright with that. I want to scream and yell about how difficult his has been. I'm pissed about it. I hate this freaking rollercoaster. I want off.

When intuition just sucks.

Now, I don’t want to seem like I’m being pessimistic so soon, but I had this sudden flash of realization that the IUI didn’t work this month. I can’t explain it, but it just came into my mind like it was a fact. God, I hope I’m wrong. Sadly, I haven’t been wrong about my intuition in a long time, so I’m not feeling overly hopeful right now. I don’t know why. It just hit me.

I just got a phone call from R that our house was broken into again. Yes, again. It happened about a month before I moved in with R in 2000 so he installed an alarm system right after the first break-in. This morning, around 9:20am, the alarm company called R’s cell phone to tell him the alarm was going off and they were alerting the police. R called J, who lives next door, and he went outside and sure enough, the screen was on the ground and the window was opened. The alarm must have scared the person away because nothing was moved inside the house except for a nice dirty handprint on the couch. We’ve been calling the police consistently about ‘problems’ in the neighborhood and just this week they finally stopped by to see what the hell we were complaining about. R told them to start patrolling more and they would see what the problems were; within two days they caught two different cars parked on the street with people having sex in them. And then today, three days after our friendly officer’s visit, our house is broken into. Again.

Now, I understand the problems of living in an urban area and we’ve been ‘lucky’ so far to not really have any major problems. But this is just getting ridiculous. I can rant and rave about the amount of taxes we spent (it’s exorbitant, the highest in the state) and I can rant and rave about the problems, but it’s time we just get out of Dodge.

Quote for the day:

It’s time to move on,
it’s time to get going,
what lies ahead
I have no way of knowing.
-- Tom Petty