Moving forward.

This past week has been such a whirlwind, I don't even know where to begin.

I lost the baby. No, that's not true. I know where my baby is, but it's just not with me anymore. It's not lost. It was taken from me by some strange, cruel force that I couldn't stop. And so, the pregnancy ended. My baby is just gone. And now I'll have no new birthday to celebrate. No first cry to hear, praying for a healthy baby, hoping to see ten fingers, ten toes. None of it.

R and I met with the doctor on Wednesday and saw what was left of the pregnancy on the ultrasound. The doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable, but it was so strangely comforting to see that little, tiny, non-functioning sac. I don't know how to explain it, but it still made me happy to see it. I still felt so connected to it, even though I knew it wasn't really alive anymore. It was just proof-positive that I was actually pregnant. That after 23 months of trying to create a life, we did it, even if it was only for a few weeks or even days.

The whole appointment was such a bizarre experience. At first the doctor didn't even know why we were there. It wasn't until I told HIM that I was pregnant, but with low betas, that he understood why we were there in the first place. In the end, he was so embarrassed that his staff had dropped the ball that he gave us his personal cell phone number and told us to call at anytime over the next few days. A few things were still left up in the air, so because we were leaving right for R's grandmother's funeral the RE gave us a basic plan for the next few days. He was wary of letting me sit in a car for five hours, given my shoulder pain and incomplete diagnosis, so he actually hand-wrote a note to give to any doctor should I need medical attention during the time we were in NY. He was worried that the ultrasound may have missed something and that I would end up in the ER with a problem. Here's what he wrote, in near-perfect handwriting and on a yellow sticky-note with a perky little girl riding a scooter at the bottom. Very professional...:

(At the top he wrote my name and date of birth, neither of which I feel like divulging here...)
IVF pregnancy
Retrieval date 1/8/08
By above, 6w1d on 2/6/08
U/S on 2/6/08
- small collapsed sac in the uterus
- NO FF or adnexal mass
Betas
1/23/08 35 miu/ml
1/25/08 85 "
1/28/08 217 "
2/4/08 421 "

And then he signed it, on top of the perky scooter-girl.

So, there you have it. My chart laid out on one yellow-sticky note, complete with perky scooter girl. I did some searching on the "No FF or adnexal mass" line and found that FF means 'free fluid' and the adnexal mass means he couldn't find evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. They did have me run my fifth beta (I think I'm going for a record here) and when he called on Thursday afternoon he told me it was in the 300's. E was screaming in the background, so I didn't catch the exact number. But, I did catch that he was still concerned that it was so high, considering that the baby had already died. Then, late Thursday night I started bleeding. And it was official. At 6 weeks, 2 days my baby was leaving.

I called the doctor on Friday morning to give him the latest news and he was glad to hear that my body was taking care of this 'naturally'. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I didn't have to have yet another uncomfortable experience in the RE's office. It's still just so wrong, natural or otherwise. But, he said that it's possible that because my body is taking over, the beta levels could drop low by Monday and we'll be cleared for another cycle sooner than we thought. Another cycle.

God. Another cycle. I am so torn about another cycle. We'll be using our frozen embryos this time around, but I hate to say that I don't have much hope in these frozen ones. We've been having such a terrible time with embryo quality that I don't know if they'll survive the thawing process. The RE gave me some speech about how the lab insists on the best quality for the embryos they freeze and all that, but it bothers me that we've already lost 10 day five embryos the first cycle because of deterioration and then lost an additional two more day three embryos the second cycle.

There's nothing we can do to improve embryo quality, so that part of it is out of our hands. As the doctors have told us, it's a matter of odds at this point. We just have to keep moving forward and eventually, we'll get pregnant again. Eventually, the odds have to swing in our favor. It just might kill us in the process, that's all.

From the deepest place I grieve...

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass, let it go, let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe
I can let go of it

Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it

-- Peter Gabriel

How can you go lower than low?

We got a call last night from R's father that his maternal grandmother has died. She's been sick for quite a while, but R was close with her and it's been a second hard blow in just a few days. We have our doctor's appointment this afternoon at 1:30pm and we're still not sure what he's going to say either. It's just a mess right now. It's never the right time to have a miscarriage, but this just adds one more terrible layer to everything we're going through right now.

I won't even bother saying it couldn't get much worse because it could. I just pray that it doesn't.

That sound you hear is my heart breaking.

So, here I am, one day after getting our not-so-good-news. I'm still so depressed about all of this. R and I were able to get the appointment moved to tomorrow at 1:30pm which is probably for the best. I found out from the RE's scheduler that they will do an ultrasound tomorrow to see what is going on, but at this point I know that they won't find the babies there anymore. I'm still having the on and off pain in my shoulder that I've been having for a few weeks. That makes me even less hopeful, but there's nothing I can do about it at this point. I just pray it isn't an ectopic pregnancy. I pray that they can keep my body intact so that I might have some chance of ever getting pregnant again, even after this mess.

I find it hard to function. My eyes are so swollen that they hurt. And in the midst of all this, I have to find a way to stop thinking about the pregnancy symptoms I'm still having. My boobs are still sore, my belly is still bloated, I'm still pregnant. I never thought that word would cause me so much pain. It's painful to think that my babies are still in there, but just not growing normally. It kills me to think that they will never be 'real' children. I'll never get to hold them or see them. They were my children for two weeks. And soon they'll be gone.

Falling to pieces

The beta news is not good. The numbers only doubled to 421 as of this morning. That's a doubling time of over 7 days. Not good at all. At this point, they should still be doubling every two to three days and mine obviously aren't. There's no delicate way of saying it, but I'm going to lose the babies. With numbers this low and not even close to doubling, there isn't much hope that this pregnancy can be saved. The next step is for the RE is figure out if this is an ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. God, I hate both of those terms. They're so damn final. I'm worried it's an ectopic because of the shoulder pains I've been having on and off. If it is, then it's a bad situation made worse; if the baby has grown too big, they may have to take my tubes in order to prevent them from rupturing. Which would put me in the IVF boat pretty much forever.

I've spent the night crying and just generally feeling awful about my life. I can't believe this is how this is going to end. I guess I knew in my heart there was something not quite right about all of this. I was trying so hard to be hopeful and concentrate on being happy that I was pregnant again, but there was a small voice that kept making me hold back and apparently this is what it was.

R is trying to look at the bright side, which is his nature. He keeps saying that we were the closest we've ever been before but that's no consolation to me right now. He's trying, but it hurts to think of what we could have had if only my body was not completely screwed up.

The hardest part is thinking that as of right now, I'm still pregnant. And that the doctors have to find a way for my babies to leave my body. I am just falling to pieces. I thought that my heart couldn't break any more than it has with IVF and here I am, falling into a million pieces.

Beta, take four

Here it is, Beta number four. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a week now and just like before, I’m already a nervous wreck. I’d really like to see the numbers in the 4,000 range, but I know that 2,500 would be norm. R thinks that they’ll be in the 30,000 range. I’m not sure what he’s smoking, but if it’s that high, I’ll do a back-flip right here in my office.

I’m finally off the antibiotics. It’s nice to be reduced to only two medications a day again, the Estrace and Prometrium suppositories. Part of me can’t wait to get off those last two as well, but I won’t say that because you only go off them this early for one reason: when the pregnancy is going to fail. So, right now I’ll happily stay on them. No complaints here.

Speaking of pregnancy, I really hope I’m not jNaerumping the gun here, but I can honestly say that I’m already starting to show. Holy COW. It’s just so early! By the end of the day my pants are a wee-bit too tight and I can’t wait to get home to change into my stretchy yoga pants again.

I really hope that somehow I’m able to memorize this pregnancy more than I was able to with E. It’s amazing how fast you forget how it feels to have that little one poking around in there. I enjoyed every minute when I was pregnant with E, but it still slips the mind so fast. This time around, I’m taking more pictures of myself big and pregnant. I thought I took enough the first time around and when I was going through IVF it was so nice to look at them and remember that I actually DID get pregnant before. This time I want to make it last as long as possible. Goodness knows if I’ll get to do this a third time.