Barreling forward, yet again.

As I figured, not a single one of my lovely 16 eggs released. All because I didn't ask for a trigger shot. Actually, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have given it to me anyways, but it would have been worth it to just ask. So, because I am just fated to have to experience every aspect of infertility, I am now on Provera because my period was no where in sight. Today is day 4 of the five-day cycle and once I finish these pills, the RE says I should expect my period in about 10 days. At least there's an end in sight to this torture.

As if I needed any more proof that the universe is having a good laugh at my expense, while I was on the way to the lab the other morning for my beta and P4 test, there was a car in front of me with the license plate "FERTIL". I am not joking. I imagined that the driver was hung-over, smoking a cigarette while her six kids sat in the backseat without their seatbelts. Poetic justice isn't funny.

The better part is that once this cycle ends, I'm telling the RE that we want to do the transfer no matter how crappy my lining looks this time around. We've decided to do a natural FET cycle which means no drugs at all. It'll be refreshing, but annoying at the same time. It's hard to sit back and do nothing. I'm hoping it will be worth it, but I have serious doubts about the abilities of the RE to get the timing right.

Along with the agony of waiting for my period to make it's appearance, I've caught some terrible throat infection. I went to my regular doctor and they tested me for Mono and pneumonia, which both came back negative, thank goodness. I can't even imagine how I would have felt if I had to be put on hold for three months because of Mono.

I have to keep repeating to myself that this is going to work somehow, some way. My body can do this. I know it can.

IVF #4 / FET #2 : Epilogue

Yet another FET cycle was cancelled. After ten days or more of stims, my lovely ovaries generated 16 follicles. The RE decided to try to wait it out and they got to a whopping 22mm to 25mm. All 16 of them. And still my lining stayed put at only 4mm. Yes, 4mm. It was just heartbreaking. The RE actually said that my ovaries are very impressive. I said too bad the rest of me isn't impressive. Sigh. So he cancelled the cycle and told me to use protection if we had intercourse. HA! That's a freaking riot. Do you honestly think that after trying to make a baby for over 26 months I'm going to ABSTAIN when I know that I have 16 ripe follicles hanging out, just dying to be fertilized? Of course, there's no guarantee that I ovulated any of them, but we gave it out best try. And here I am.

I'm sad. I'm really pissed. I'm on the edge of my seat. I have no idea when I ovulated so I'm up in the air about when my period is supposed to come. Normally, I wouldn't care if I thought we didn't have a chance, but two days ago, on Tuesday afternoon I had this, well, glob of EWCM that was pink and tan colored. Which made me totally think about implantation spotting. And then the spotting stopped. Nothing at all. My CM is still pretty normal and every time I pee I'm straining my eyes to see if there's anything there on the toilet paper but nada. Nothing. Not that I really WANT to spot right now, I just want some answers. So I took a test lat night and it was negative. No hint of a second line. So I launch myself into the realm of 'Was it too early to test?'

This suspense is terrible. I can honestly say that if it really is negative, I'm alright with it. For once in my life, I'm really alright with it. But I want to know what's going on. I am praying that if I am pregnant that it's not another miscarriage. I don't even want to think about that possibility.

I got this terrible pang of sadness this afternoon just thinking that it's negative. Yes, I know I said I would be alright if it's negative, but it's still a sad thought. I'm pinning all my hopes on a pink/tan glob right now and I keep second guessing myself. I keep thinking 'Did I really see that?' but YES. I did see it. It was undeniable. It was there. But what the heck does it MEAN?

I'm just tormented. I can't test again and have it be reliable. This suspense is enough to kill me.