Afterglow.

I'm still basking in the glow of that lovely, lovely positive test. It was such a gamble to take that darned thing. I ran the risk of those damned lines being light again and considering how terrible I felt yesterday, I wasn't sure I could stand the sight of light lines. But there they were. Nice and dark. It's amazing how that can lift your spirits.

I think I'm actually starting to feel better, although that may be just my warped, hopeful imagination. I still have the pain in my jaw and my cheekbone, but I don't feel nearly as run-down as I did yesterday. Then again, give me a few hours and I might be singing a different tune.

The lingering doubts about my low numbers and the fear about what I'll see on 2/14 are still there, but I'm doing my very best to ignore and block them out. I know I keep harping on it, but it's just so scary to think that I might be building myself up just for a terrible let down. Every day that goes by is one more day that I'm getting attached to the little one poking around in there and that sort of bugs me. I want to stay strong and not let it bother me, but it creeps into my mind at wierd times. Like this morning, I was standing in our staff lunch room thumbing through a store flyer when I came across an ad for some cheapie baby bed linens. It suddenly hit me that I'm going to have to buy that stuff again. It's been five YEARS since I've had to think about bed linens, but I'm going to have to eventually. I'm going to do it all over again. Finally.

I think I'm still just holding back until I see something encouraging on that ultrasound. In fact, I know I'm holding back. Then again, after all the crap I've had to go through to get to this point, who can really blame me? Part of me wants to just jump right in with both feet, but there's some part of me that's not letting me. I really, really hope that's just a protective mechanism and not some terrible forecast...

I can, however, say that any pregnancy symptoms I've been having are so much lighter than what I had with E. I remember my breasts being really tender and sore early on and so far I haven't really had that. They've definitely started to get bigger (one lovely perk of pregnancy!), but they aren't as sore as I thought they would be. I also remember getting sick with E right at 6 weeks pregnant. It was the only time I threw up so I remember it vividly and so far, other than a few near-gagging sessions, nothing in that area. Perhaps it's all another side-effect of the lower numbers?

I broke my own rules.

I needed a pick-me-up.



And I am basking in the afterglow of two lines. Boy, I never thought one little pregnancy test could cheer me up so very much.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant... repeat after me.

After reading J and A's comments about the antibiotics I decided to just call my doctor and get an appointment to see her. I've been on the eyrthromycin for four days and I still have a ton of pain in my jaw and cheekbones so it's time to get this thing gone.

As of today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant. It's nice to think that I get some pregnancy-credit for the two weeks of hell I went through after the retrieval. My due date is September 30 if this is a singleton and September 9 if both embryos are in there. Right now I'm feeling like there's only one baby, but you just never know. Truth be told, I don't really even feel pregnant, so for all I know it could be twins. I walk around my office now repeating "I'm pregnant. Pregnant." It's hard to get used to the idea! But I'm excited about it. So excited that I don't even know where to start. I'm also really apprehensive too. I'm nervous about what they'll find on the ultrasound, especially since my numbers started out so low. I'm sure we'll get some better answers when I have my last beta next week, which will be 5 weeks, 6 days. When I had my beta run with E at six weeks it was in the 56,000 range, so I have no idea what to expect next week.

There's a really great website that calculates all of my relevant dates including due date, the date of 'cardiac contractions' (aka the heartbeat) and a whole bunch of other stuff. Here's the site: http://ivf.ca/calcu.htm Enter January 8, 2008 and select 'Retrieval/Ovulation' and all the dates will come up. According to the chart, this little one should have a heartbeat by Friday and the ultrasound should be able to pick up a heartbeat by February 12, 2008. Gosh, I hope that isn't cutting it too close... It would freak me out if I didn't get to see that heartbeat on Valentine's Day.

I completely depressed myself this morning by reading some posts on an IVF group that I belong to. A few of the people had posted their beta numbers and every one else's numbers are so much higher. I'm talking in the thousands at this point. And here I am at a measly little 217. Then I had to read further, which was just a bad idea. A few of the posters had low numbers and ended up not seeing anything on the first ultrasound. Both of them were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and told to take medications to induce a miscarriage. Now I'm totally freaked about my low numbers. I just feel like I can't get attached until I see something on that ultrasound.

I don't even know how to feel right now. I go from being so scared and wanting to cry to feeling hopeful and trying to just concentrate on being pregnant. But what if I'm not? What if this isn't viable? It's so depressing to think about right now. I'm still feeling so run down and this isn't doing good things for my mood. I just want to go home and crawl into bed and cry right now. I'm so scared this isn't going to work out.

Betas, betas and more betas...

The numbers are in for today: 217! The doubling time was 2.21 days, which is less than the actual 3 days in-between tests, so we're still on track! So, I finally get a full week off of beta-tests and I have another one on Monday, February 2. After that, as long as the numbers are going up, I'll have my first ultrasound on, get this one: Valentine's Day. Oh dear God. This could change my view of Valentine's Day forever.

I also asked the nurse, just in case, about the antibiotics and she said that there should be no problems with me taking them. At least that's one more thing off my mind.

Grow, baby, GROW!!!

Let’s get to the upswing already.

I spent the entire day yesterday in bed nursing my poor infected little body. I cannot even tell you the last time I felt this sick. My jaw was so swollen I could only eat soup all day. R ended up having to postpone his trip to NY because I just couldn’t function as a person, never mind a mother. Poor E just kept telling me “It’ll be alright, Momma. You caught my cold” whenever he saw me. He also kept saying “Who can play with me?”, which completely broke my heart. I’ve been sick or incapacitated for this entire month and I’m so tired of saying “Mommy’s not feeling well, E.” I’m praying that once these antibiotics do their magic I’ll be feeling better. In the meantime, I’m worried about getting a yeast infection, which happens to me when I take antibiotics. God, wouldn’t that just be a kicker? And never mind the threat of at YI, they’ve already wrecked havoc with my stomach. I pretty much feel queasy and nauseous most of the day now and I’m not really sure if it’s pregnancy related or antibiotic related. I can’t wait to get off these damn pills. I long for the day when I don’t have to take ANY medications anymore and I can just rely on my own body again!

I went this morning for beta number three and am patiently waiting for yet another phone call from the nurse. I have no idea what she’s going to say, but I’m hoping the numbers are at least in the 200’s. I still don’t have any spotting or bleeding and only little cramps here and there.

I had a little realization the other night while I was lying in bed trying to recuperate. While I agree that my beta numbers are on the low side, they doubled which is what is important right now. More than that, how high do they expect them to go when they start off at only 35? I think a jump from 35 to 85 is probably right about normal, wouldn’t you? So, like the nurse and I agreed, taking it one day at a time is probably the best idea right now.

Grow, baby, grow.

It's official: I have the nastiest sinus infection in town. Oh dear GOD. My face hurts so much that I can't even open my mouth without wincing. I finally broke down and called the RE to make sure it was alright to take antibiotics right now and then I hauled my behind off to an urgent care center this morning. The doctor there wanted to take x-rays of my sinuses but once I told him I was pregnant, he nixed that idea. He prescribed erthromycin (I'm allergic to penicillin) and sent me on my way. In the meantime, I've been trying to rest and drink plenty of water. And praying and praying for the little one to grow stronger. I feel so nervous about taking the antibiotics right now, but I think that having so much infection running through my body probably isn't the best thing either. On top of the sinus infection, I have about four lovely cold sores on my upper lip, so I know that my body is just FREAKING out right now between trying to heal and trying to stay pregnant. Needless to say, I actually did get to bed at 8:00pm last night. As soon as R put E down I crawled into bed and listened to my iPod for about 20 minutes before dozing off. I slept restlessly, but at least I rested as much as possible.

This whole week has just been such a rollercoaster, it's no wonder my poor body is freaking out. R is leaving for NY tomorrow, so I'll be on my own with E. Hopefully these antibiotics kick in soon... otherwise it's going to be one LONG Sunday.

Resume the holding pattern.

The nurse just called to give me the news: the beta went up to 85. As of right now, the doubling time is 37.5 hours, which is less than the 48 hour mark, so that's good, but the RE is still not happy seeing the number so low. He wants me to re-test on Monday to check the levels again. I asked the nurse why the heck I still got a negative this morning with a HPT when the levels were above what the test says it picks up and she said "I don't know why. But I can tell you that I have two kids at home that are the results of negative HPTs, so I don't put much stock into those tests."

What a rollercoaster this has been. So, we're back in the holding pattern. And I am swearing off HPTs forever. Well, until we TTC #3 that is...

I went to the chiropractor today to get adjusted and I haven't told him what's been going on yet. He knows about the infertility treatments and the transfer, but I haven't told him about the betas yet. He adjusted me and told me to get to bed early tonight to try to boost my immune system. I'm wondering if my body is having a hard time boosting up the hCG because of my cold and on-coming sinus infection. I wouldn't be surprised if my body is just completely freaking out right now and trying to make a baby is the last thing it wants to do right now. So, I will be going to bed at 8:00pm with a cup of warm tea and a heating pad for my face.

Keep up those 'doubling' prayers... I'm going to need them for Monday.

Beta-replay Day.

It seems like my hope is flying out the window. I took another HPT this morning, just to torture myself, and it was basically negative. I used a Dollar Store test, which I've always had pretty good luck with, and there was a faint, faint line. It was even lighter than the test I took on Monday, which doesn't make me very hopeful. At this point, if I really was pregnant, the line would be much darker and would definitely not be getting lighter. Plus, if my beta has doubled like it was supposed to, the hCG in my urine would be at least 70 or above; these tests are supposed to pick up anything above 25 which would mean that my levels have either gone down or stayed the same. Basically, they probably haven't doubled. Which will mean I'm probably going to miscarry. I still haven't gotten my period nor have I started spotting, so I'm just biding my time until the RE's office calls to give me the bad news. I already rescheduled my consult with the RE for January 31, so I'm sure we'll talk about what the next step is at that meeting.

I slept terrible last night too, which is always bad. I had a terrible sinus headache from all the pressure in my left ear and the pain was so bad that it woke me up at 1:00am and I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours. Then I kept dreaming about HPTs. It just wasn't a good night.

I'm feeling pretty numb right now. There's not much I can do about anything so I'm just trying to keep busy and keep my mind off it. I just feel like we were so close this time. God, I hope that I didn't cause this by stopping my meds. I guess the good part is that I got to be pregnant again, even if it was only for two days.

In Beta-limbo...

Ahhh... the glow of a post-beta phone call is always so lovely. Even if it comes with an asterisk. I'm still nervous about tomorrow's test, but for now I'm just reveling in the fact that, for now, I’m pregnant. And the fact that it was medically confirmed is even more pleasing.

R, on the other hand, is completely freaking out that I’ve told anyone the good news. He thinks that we shouldn’t tell anybody until we have confirmation and then even after that, he thinks we should wait for a few months. While I agree to a certain extent, it’s not that easy in our situation. Certain people already know that we’re undergoing IVF treatments and therefore, they knew when the blood test was scheduled for. So when those people called to ask “Did you get the results?” I wasn’t going to lie to them. R wasn’t happy about that. He said I should just say “I don’t know yet.” So, we got into an argument about it. Yes, an actual argument. Not exactly what I needed right now. But then again, as he explained later, he’s feeling particularly sensitive about it right now. Me, I’m just happy to have some good news. Finally. And that’s what I’m concentrating on right now. Because even if this baby doesn’t have the strength to hang on, something actually happened this cycle. Something actually implanted, even if it was for a brief time. And that’s a HUGE improvement over the last cycle. That, above anything else in this world, gives me hope. Real hope.

So, today I’m existing in Beta-limbo. I’m really hopeful about it, but I also have my eyes wide open. I know the dangers that lie ahead. I’m not blind but I’m hopeful. Actually, I’m overjoyed that something finally happened. Now I just have to pray that this baby (or babies) have the strength to hold on.

Hold on little one. Hold on.

There's that intuition again...

The numbers are in: PREGNANT*!!!

And, of course, there's an asterisk to the results. The beta was a little lower than they would like to see it: the hCG levels were only 35. They normally should be around 50 right now, so I have to go back on Friday to see if the numbers are doubling like they should. But for now, I'm officially pregnant. Holy cow. Holy, holy cow. It might have worked!!!

I asked the nurse what the low numbers could mean and she said that it could be a variety of things: slow implantation; slow rising levels; the embryos could have implanted and then failed, which would mean a miscarriage; or it just could be a fluke and there will be no explanation at all. As long as they double on Friday, we should be in the clear. She also asked me if I was still taking my estrogen and progesterone and I lied and said yes. I knew there was a reason I was feeling so guilty that I stopped them. I'm a little nervous about having stopped them, but as soon as I got home I started the meds again and believe me, I'll stay on them religiously now. I know that it takes a few days for all the meds to leave your body, so I'm not too freaked out. Plus, the meds are really so that my lining will stay plump and stay put, and since I'm not spotting or bleeding I'm thinking that I'll be alright. When the nurse and I were discussing the low numbers she asked me if I was spotting or bleeding and when I told her no she said that was a pretty good sign.

So, right now every day is baby steps. Literally. Your prayers worked for this cycle; please pray for a doubling beta for Friday!

Holy cow. I'm actually pregnant. Holy cow.

Beta Day.

Well, I went for the beta this morning and am now waiting on pins and needles for them to call. The office usually calls between 1:00pm and 4:00pm so I'm just waiting patiently. Or not so patiently.

Still no period and not even a hint of spotting. My friend JT agrees with the general consensus that 'a line is a line', especially since it was an FRE test. She had the same thing happen with her son; she even took a HPT at the doctor's office that was negative. But yet, her son was born October 2006. But then again, she didn't do IVF and didn't have a million and one synthetic hormones racing through her system to throw things off.

My palms are sweating. I have butterflies in my stomach and I'm trying my hardest to remain calm. Oh God, oh God, oh God...

11 days post 3-day transfer and Beta-Eve

So, still no period. I stopped taking all my IVF meds on Monday afternoon and I'm still leaking blue so I know it's going to take a few extra days for my period to show. Which is a pisser in itself. But besides that, I can't stop being anxious about my test tomorrow. I've already seen the BFN at this point, so it won't be a big surprise when the nurse says the standard "I'm sorry to have to tell you this" but I still harbor some hope, some faint evap line of hope that one of the little ones held on and is fighting for dear life. Perhaps that's why I feel guilty that I stopped the meds.

I was strong and held out on taking that last HPT this morning. Don't think that I didn't think about it. In fact, I'm thinking about it now. But I won't. It's not worth it to go to bed seeing another failure. At this point I'd rather wait for a definite yes-or-no answer.

And my boobs are itching. Ugh. Hope sucks.

And the results are...

Inconclusive. Come on. Are you really surprised? I woke up at 7:00am and took a test and at first I thought it was definitely negative. But then the faintest second line appeared and now I'm just plain pissed off. I am 99% certain that it's an evaporation line, but this is just plain cruel. Cruel beyond belief. I showed the test to R an hour later or so and he agreed that there's a faint second line, but he doesn't know what the heck an evap line would look like. So now I'm in the waiting game again until Wednesday. I promised myself I wouldn't test again until Wednesday, when my beta was scheduled, so I'm sticking to that promise.

Goddamned evap lines.

9 days post 3-day transfer and the eve of yet another HPT...

Well, here I am. On the eve of yet another highly anticipated HPT. My prediction? It will be negative. I just feel it. I haven't really thought about how it'll feel to see yet another BFN, so I'm trying to just block it out. At this point, I know I'll be pretty devastated, but I'm becoming so used to the hurt that it's almost comical right now. Last night I lay in bed thinking "Why? Why does this keep happening to me?" and for the life of me, I can't figure any of it out anymore. Not that I ever could. There's no reason for all of this to happen, but it is. There's just something very, very wrong about it. But yet, I still know that it will negative and right now, there's nothing I can do about it. It pains me to think that two more of my babies-to-be didn't make it. I'm pretty sure that next month we'll attempt to thaw the three embryos and try a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) cycle, but after that I'm not sure what we'll do.

Ok, I know you're thinking that I'm being overly pessimistic, but my intuition hasn't failed me yet and I'm fairly certain that it won't fail me again this time. Just not feeling it. Of course, we can just look at the plain facts: my boobs aren't sore anymore, the bloating has pretty much gone away and I've lost six pounds in the past two weeks. On the 'pro-pregnancy' side, I could say that my skin is still clear, I'm not feeling as moody and I've lost the weight because I've been sick as a dog, but those things are out-weighed by the other three now-missing symptoms.

Man, I wish it didn't have to be like this. For the first time in my life, I would really, really be happy if I could just be pregnant one more time. In my heart I have always wanted three kids, but after all this torture and heartache, I would be completely satisfied if I could get pregnant just once more. Just once more.

7 days post 3-day transfer...

E is feeling a little better, but his cough is still so horrible that it keeps him up at night. Which means that Momma is kept up at night too. I haven’t slept well in four nights and my cold is finally starting to set in. I’m feeling pretty run down and just generally cranky. I was a complete moody witch last night to E, snapping at him when he didn’t eat dinner or go up the stairs fast enough when getting ready for bed. I know he doesn’t understand, but it’s so hard to keep my cool when I’m feeling so horrible myself. R is still out of town on business, so I’ve had to balance everything myself all week.

It’s officially been a week since my transfer and still, even though I’m not getting the "I’m finally pregnant!" feeling, I don’t have that overwhelming sense of failure either. It’s hard to pinpoint how I’m feeling about this cycle. Friends have asked me if I think it worked and I can’t honestly say yes, I think it did. That really scares me because I thought I’d just feel like it worked and I’m not feeling it. When I was at work this afternoon, I suddenly stopped in the middle of my office and this thin, small voice in my head said "It didn't work." It wasn't like it was a sad thing, or that it distressed me, it was just like my mind was stating a fact. Which is how all of my other intuitions have started. I'm trying to ignore that little voice and keep moving. I guess at this point I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I'm started to feel really doubtful. I will say, however, that I have been feeling crampy and I’m still getting these sharp pains in my belly now and then. I’m wondering if it’s a side effect of being on the Estrace for so long or if they are ‘growing uterus’ pains. I really don’t want to get my hopes up, but it’s so hard these days. Another sign: my skin is looking ‘normal’ as of today. I am very prone to breakouts before my period, and having one more day of clear skin makes me wonder what's going on.

This weekend is a three-day weekend for me and I am so looking forward to it. I’m hoping it’ll give me and E a chance to fully recover from our colds. I realized the other night that Monday will technically be 13 days after ovulation. Which means I might be able to test that day. I’m thinking I might have to test that day, in case it is negative. I’ll need the rest of the day to cope with the failure if it is negative. My period is due on January 22, and the beta is on the 23rd, so I’m thinking that only two days before beta would give me a reliable test result. Oh god, I really, really need to see two lines this time.

5 days post 3-day transfer... and life marches on.

As if I haven’t had enough strange stuff to deal with this time around, I’ve spent the last two days trying to make E a little more comfortable. His school called me on Monday afternoon to say that he ‘just wasn’t himself today’. I picked him up and took him to the doctor’s office and as I predicted, they thought he might have pneumonia. His cough is so terrible and the fever just won’t go away or stay down. So, we spent the next five hours trying to get an x-ray to rule out pneumonia. It was the first time he’s had an x-ray and he did great. The funniest part of it was when the technician asked me “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?” I answered yes, there’s a chance. He said “You’re pregnant?” and I said I wasn’t sure yet. The look on his face was pretty priceless. Still, I had to leave the room while the x-rays were taken and luckily, E didn’t mind too much. He did, however, ask me about a million times why I kept leaving the room.

And so now, on top of trying to keep myself as ‘rested’ as possible, I’m coming down with E’s lovely cold. It’s just the last thing I need right now, but considering how often he’s coughed, sneezed and blown his nose on or at me, it’s not surprising. I just can’t take anymore time off this week. I really can’t. This is the crappy part of having a job that you actually like… you’re afraid to lose it.

The ear pain has subsided, which is what usually happens during my cycle. However, it’s been replaced by this annoying sharp stabbing pain in my left side. Just another thing I’m trying to ignore. I’m getting good at ignorance. I did some backtracking and at exactly this time last cycle (8 days post retrieval) I had the worst dread-filled feeling that it hadn't worked, which turned out to be right. I will admit, as much as I'm scared about this cycle, I haven't gotten that feeling yet. Cramping and stabbing pains, yes. But that 'No way it worked' feeling? Not yet. Oh god. Hope is the most wicked tease.

3 days post 3-day transfer.

Hard to believe that I had my transfer only three days ago. It seems like light years away from today.

I'm back at work this morning and already it's crazy in my office. It's snowing here again, so quite a few schools are closed and so my boss and my assistant are out of the office. Which means I get to spend the day catching up in peace. Sometimes the snow really is a blessing!

E has been sick since the Friday after Christmas and he's just not getting any better. At first it was the tonsillitis, but now he's got this nasty cough and all sorts of yucky colors are running from his nose. I'm worried he might have bronchitis or even worse, pneumonia. And of course, R is in Atlanta all week so it'll be up to me to stay home with him if E ends up being sick. I'm almost afraid to call his school to check in on him because he was so ill this morning. I admit it, I dropped my sick kid off at school. Well, first I doped him up on Motrin to hide the fever and THEN I dropped him off. Hate me if you want, but yes, I'm THAT mother today. Not much else I could do at this point... he's not reponsding to any of the OTC meds I've been giving him, I was out all last week and my work wouldn't be very pleased if I have to take more time off to take care of E. It's such a rotten place to be stuck in.

As for me, I've been trying to take it easy as much as I can. I'm a little panicked because I've been getting a nasty pain in my ear again which almost always happens five or six days after I ovulate. Technically, my retrieval date would be my ovulation date and today is six days after. The ear pain usually means a migraine is on the horizon which, to me would be a very, very bad sign. It would mean no pregnancy. I'm trying to ignore it, but it's not easy. It's a nagging pain that goes along with the nagging "What if?" voice that keeps playing over and over in my head. I know it's too soon, but I'm still really scared that it didn't work again. Actually, I'm beyond scared. I'm petrified. Why am I so petrified? Do I already know in my subconscious that it didn't work and it's manifesting itself as fear? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's not easy when I feel so skeptical about it. I think the only thing that it keeping me from jumping over the edge is the fact that I don't have the cramping like I did last cycle at this time. I hate this waiting. It's enough to drive any person to madness.

The real wait begins (yes, again)

Well, the babies-to-be are back home and now the real waiting begins. After much debate, discussion, thought and heartache, we decided to transfer only two embryos this time. Yes, yes, I know I said I couldn't be talked out of transferring three, but as a friend said, new information requires new decisions. When R and I went in this morning for the transfer, the lab told us that out of the seven that had fertilized, we had five embryos that were viable for freezing. Two of the seven had developed too much fragmentation and weren't viable any longer. If we transfered two, we could freeze three; if we transfered three, we would have two for freezing. The lab had hatched two embryos already and were waiting for our final decision on how many to transfer before hatching a possible third. The RE doing the transfer said that the two that had already hatched were near-perfect and looked great so he would recommend transferring only those two and freezing the other three. I said that I really wanted three and so R, I and the RE discussed it. The RE gave me the usual rundown with the statistics and I told him that after how terrible the last cycle was, I was very gun shy about our success rates. He told me that on average, it takes 1.75 cycles of IVF to get a pregnancy so by being on my second cycle, I was right about where I was 'supposed to be' in the grand scheme of IVF. Because of this average and how the embryos looked, he was still sticking with the two versus three argument. I was still leaning towards three and when he asked me why, I broke down in tears. The RE said that if I really wanted it, they were my embryos and he wouldn't refuse, so he asked R and I if we needed some time to discuss it. The RE and nurses left and R and I talked it over. In the end, I made the final decision with my head rather than my heart. I know it is more dangerous to transfer three embryos than two because of the likelihood of a high-order multiple pregnancy. I never wanted a triplet pregnancy, I just want a successful cycle. Plus, having only five embryos to work with was a lot less than we had originally hoped for. If we transfered three, we would only have two to freeze; the survival rate after thawing is about 70% and we would run the risk of having only one, possibly two if we're lucky, to work with after thawing if we have to do this again with a 'frozen' cycle. So, R & I agreed that two was the best option for us at this point. He asked me if I was going to be alright with the decision and I said yes. New information leads to new decisions. I'll agree that it threw me for a loop not being able to transfer three, but I think it was the right thing to do with what we had to work with.

And so, I'm in another two week wait. My beta is scheduled for January 23. Funny to think that my first cycle beta was supposed to be on 11/23... exactly two months ago. 23 is my lucky number. That luck better hold out this time.

Just goes to show you.

My second retrieval is over. And I can tell you right now that if the first retrieval had gone like this one, I don't know if I would have gone into a second cycle so quickly. Almost everything that could go wrong this time did. R was so nervous about succeeding in his portion of the equation that he psyched himself out and had a really difficult time 'producing'. I ended up having to drive myself to the procedure so that he could take more time to work on it. Then, they used a different anesthesiologist this time and I had a terrible reaction to whatever she gave me that they had to keep me for two extra hours so that they could flush the drugs from my system. I was so dizzy and nauseous that I couldn't sit, stand or even move without feeling ill. To make matters worse, the RE was only able to get 10 eggs this time and had to be 'aggressive' about getting them so I ended up having a lot of pain this time. There was virtually no pain last time, so it really surprised me at how much I was hurting. The pain started radiating into my collarbone and the RE was concerned that I might have fluid in my abdomen from the procedure. I'm still very uncomfortable today so the RE wants me to lay down for the day and try to take it easy. All in all, just not a fun experience this time. Just goes to show you how different each procedure can really be.

So, the fertilization report for today is that 7 of the 10 have fertilized right now. One more little one is trying to fertilize, one fertilized abnormally and one egg was still not mature enough and didn't fertilize at all. Basically, it's the same exact fertilization rate as the first cycle, even though there were less eggs to work with this time. And because we had less than 10 fertilize, the three-day versus five-day argument is completely moot. They'll put the three best babies-to-be back on Friday, as long as they are all developing normally.

Keep your fingers crossed for some good-looking eight-celled babies!

My pin cushion days are over for now (well, almost...)

I have to admit, I’m glad that my injections are over for the time being. The hCG shot last night was really difficult to do. I don’t know why, but the needle went in fine, but when I went to push the plunger down it was really, really hard to push. And then this morning the whole area is pink and a little swollen. Not fun. I don’t remember this shot hurting this much the last four times I’ve taken it, so I’m glad to be done with the injection phase. Well, almost done. I still have to have my IV done tomorrow. It’s always something, right?

I’m trying to concentrate on the good news we’ll have in the next few weeks, but these last few days are always so harrowing. I’m still a little worried about our fertilization rates, especially since we’re not using ICSI this time around. I’m worried about how the lab is going to find the strongest three little ones to put back, especially since we’re going to do a day-three transfer this time and gauging eight-cell growth isn’t the best indicator of embryo survival. Still, I’m finding it easier to relax this time. I’m happy that I feel like I’ve done everything ‘right’ this time: I made an honest attempt at getting myself healthier and there really isn’t anything else I could have done to improve my chances. I have to just keep faith in that. Things will work out in the end.

The end is near (again)!

I just got the call from the Re's office: my second retrieval is set for Tuesday, January 8, 2008 at 7:30am. This stim phase was much shorter than last time. I ended up only taking 7 doses instead of the ten it took last time. I'm not even sure what to think about that, so I'm not going to dwell on it for now. The RE was pleased with how everything looked, so he's given me the go ahead to take my hCG shot tonight and have the retrieval on Tuesday, exactly when they originally predicted it. As of this morning, I had 22 follicles growing, so we'll see how many of them actually have eggs growing. It's only one more than last cycle and we got a whopping 19 last time... maybe we'll break the 20 mark this time around.

As for the three verses five day transfer, my heart is still telling me to go for the day three. There really isn't anyone that can convince me otherwise, especially after what happened last cycle. It would probably destroy me if we didn't have anything to freeze again. I pray that we won't need it, but I would much rather be safe than sorry.

R is still mulling over how many we should transfer. I'm all for transfering three this time, but he, like the Re, is very concerned about a triplet pregnancy. I can't explain it, but I'm not concerned that we'll have that problem. At this point, I'd be happy if just one of them hung on. Although I'm still hoping for two. I won't deny it.

I took Tuesday through Friday off from work so that I could relax and 'enjoy' the retrieval and transfer. Since we know we'll be having a three-day transfer, the transfer date will be on Friday, January 11, 2008. 11 seems like a good number to me right now.

Keep the good news coming.

It always feels like the last few days of these cycles go by so darned quickly. And then the torturous beta-waiting begins. Gosh, how many more times in my life am I going to have to say that?

The ultrasound this morning went pretty well: there are currently 14 follicles hanging out and about 15 more in the wings. The better news is that my stripe is looking so much better this cycle too: it’s a very nice 6.4mm right now. The RE called this afternoon to discuss some of the results from this cycle so I had the chance to asked him about the stripe. He told me what it was and said that he expects that it will get a little thicker in the next few days too. He was more pleased with the fact that it’s trilaminar, but I still like seeing that number higher than the usual 5.4mm. I also got to ask him about my estrogen levels, since I’m not getting blood taken anymore. I know that my levels are artificially inflated right now because of the little blue pills, but I’ve been wondering if the estrogen was contributing to how many follicles are developing. The RE told me it’s actually the other way around: the more follicles you have, the higher the estrogen. So right now he’s not concerned about hyper-stimulation which is good to hear. 14 follicles after only six days of medications had me a little worried.

The nurse who called to book my ultrasound for tomorrow freaked me out a bit when she said that the RE was considering triggering me tomorrow night. First of all, my largest follicle was 17mm by 16mm, and the other 13 were all around 11mm or 12mm. They usually like to see at least four of them around 15mm before they trigger, so I asked the RE about it and he said that while nothing is out of the realm of possibility, he thinks I’ll probably trigger on Sunday or Monday. Which is perfectly fine with me. I’d like to see the follicles mature a bit more and sacrifice that one larger one for the sake of the other 13.

He also finally reviewed my files and saw that I had authorized him to transfer three embryos this time instead of the two he suggested. I knew it would set off alarms when he saw that, which is sort of why I did it in the first place. We’d talked about how many to transfer with the last cycle, but I wanted to revisit the conversation in light of all that we learned last cycle. Since we think we’re working with an embryo quality problem, R and I would like to increase our chances by transferring three, not two, this time. The RE thinks that’s way too risky, given my age and the fact that I’ve already had one healthy baby. He thinks that we should stick with two, but he also mentioned that he wouldn’t completely refuse to transfer three if it’s what we want. Which is different than what he said last month. So now I’m wondering how many we’ll transfer. Something to think about…

We also had a chance to talk about doing a day three transfer versus a day five. When I said “We’re doing a day three transfer this time regardless of how many we fertilize, right?” he said that he’s discussed it with the lab and they disagree and think we should wait it out again. Um. No. Not going to happen. Even if we get 20 eggs fertilized, we’re not going to push it this time, especially since we had no luck with near-perfect embryos the first time around. Sign me up for a day three transfer and make the lab do their work and pick the best three of the group. That’s why I’m paying them the big bucks, man.

So, I’m in the final stretch. Hard to believe that another two months have gone by since the last time I was here. I’m feeling much calmer this time around. Sure, I’m still anxious, but it’s not the same as the first time. I’m not sure if it’s because I know what to expect or if it’s because I feel like it’s going to work. Either way, that positive beta on January 23 can’t come soon enough.

Counting chickens...

Today marked the first of the week of ultrasounds. I’ve been getting a ton of cramping and I’m starting to feel a little sore and tender in the ovary-region, so I was pretty sure things were moving in the right direction. And I was right: I already have five follicles developing with many more in the wings. It’s good news, especially since because at this point during the last cycle they didn’t have one follicle to measure. I thought that this might happen because of all the estrogen I’ve been pumping into my little body, but it was nice to see that something was happening all the same. My lining was still a very weak 4.8mm, but I’m trying very hard not to concentrate on that. The RE isn’t concerned about it, so I’m trying to be the same way. All I’m concentrating on right now is getting those eggs to be the best quality they can be.

So, if all goes as planned, I’ll be having the next retrieval in exactly one week from today. I’m still thinking good thoughts about this cycle. I’m remaining hopeful and as relaxed as one can be during infertility treatments. I keep telling myself that 2008 is going to be a MUCH better year than 2007. There’s no way that this torture can last another year. 2008 is going to be amazing.