Introducing the newest member of the alphabet soup

That pit in my stomach just got bigger. R reminded me that he is away on business for six days next month. It suddenly hit me WHEN he’s gone. You guessed it, right in the middle of next month’s cycle. The exact weekend when he’ll most likely be needed. I didn’t even know what to say when I realized it. The thought of taking a month off from TTC for his business trip makes me sick to my stomach. I felt a headache coming on as soon as I got off the phone with him. I’m just speechless. Part of me wants to say “Oh, hopefully we won’t need it!” but there’s a nagging part of me that says we will need it, that this month was just like the past 16 months. I don’t want that pessimistic part of me to come through. I want to believe that this was the month that actually worked, but I can’t yet. You want to know another reason why I hate working full-time? Because I can’t go home and wallow in my misery whenever I want. That sucks. I just want to be pissy and get it out of my system. I’ve said it a thousand times, but infertility just plain sucks. This constant scheduling and being at the whim of my body’s functions is just plain tiring and ridiculous.

And yet the other part of me wants to overanalyze all the little bits of ‘that’s not normal’ within my body. The fact that my boobs are much bigger than normal could either be a pregnancy sign or it could be a leftover symptom from the hCG shot. I just don’t know. That’s what just KILLS me. The waiting for failure or for confirmation is the worst part of this journey. The constant wondering, the constant little voice that says “Hmmm, what if?”.

So, I’ve made a pact with myself that I will not be hopeful or be pessimistic about this month. I am trying my damnedest to not think about it at all. I am just going to exist and face the reality that at this point, I have no control over what happens. Either I am pregnant or I’m not. Nothing I can do at this point will have an effect over that outcome. So I just have to wait it out.

And, speaking of waiting it out, it’s official: I now have my Masters degree. Can I tell you what a letdown this week has been? I had this thought that once Wednesday came and went I would feel so liberated. Being homework-free after almost two years was supposed to feel like pure joy, but it just hasn’t hit yet. Maybe it’s because deep inside I know that I still have some homework I could be doing, and am just NOT. Yes, it’s true. I still have some stuff I could be doing but I am so stuck in my senioritis ways that I’m boycotting it. Yes, it will affect my final grades and will probably result in my not getting a 4.0 GPA, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.

What do I do instead? Well, I’ve been surrounding myself with Harry Potter by re-reading all the books before diving into the newest one. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that I ordered the seventh book in February and got it in the mail on Saturday. What may surprise you is that I haven’t even started reading it, even though it’s sitting on the bookshelf in my bedroom, staring at me.

Oh, such discipline I have.

Have you noticed how there is talk about Mr. Potter everywhere you look? For goodness sake, it was even on NPR this morning. People are just itching to spoil it for me. But NO. If you’ve read it, don’t talk to me. If you love it, don’t tell me. If you know how it ends, leave me out of it. Let me have that one little joy, that one reward for hanging on and reading them all again before the final one. Because once the final one is over and read, what am I going to read next???