The rollercoaster has officially started again. I went in for my first ultrasound after starting the Follistim and the nurse didn’t find a single follicle to measure. Not one. She did find ‘multiple’ less than 10mm in both ovaries but nothing that seems to want to develop into eggs. This is not good news. In fact, it’s terrible news. After five days of the stimulation injections, I have nothing growing. I am trying so hard to hold it together at work, but every time I think about it I get tears in my eyes. Who would have thought after having such a great response to all the IUI meds that I would be in this situation? I asked the nurse if this was normal and she said that it happens ‘sometimes’. She also said that I have the ‘potential’ of getting some follicles to grow, but that we’ll have to wait to see what the blood work says. So it’s now all in the hands of my estrogen.
To top it off, I’ve been feeling much more moody and cranky the past two days. I’m sure it’s hormones, but it’s not helping matters. I finally got around to making this soup that I’ve been dying to try in the crockpot yesterday. I started it in the morning before work, which made me late for work, but the idea of having dinner ready and waiting when I got home was worth it, only to discover when I got home that I had plugged in the blender, not the crock pot. Talk about meltdown. Yes, I cried over soup. I was so frustrated and it was one more thing to add to the ever-growing list that of things that I seem to be failing at lately.
To make matters worse, I've started bruising like you wouldn't believe from all the shots. The shot this morning immediately turned black within an hour and I still have at least five more days, possibly more of the injections.
I hate this. I hate the rollercoaster of the injections, the fears that it won’t work, the side-effects, the constant worrying. Some people have no idea how easy they have it. IVF is on my mind every second that I breathe. I even dream about it now. It is all-consuming and it is beyond terrible. R says he's trying to be hopeful for both of us, but I worry that we're beyond hope.
I feel like I am trapped in hell.
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5 comments:
I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I know you must hear that a lot, I'm sorry for that. I just want to know that I'm reading and I wish I could give you a hug IRL. You were always such great support for me, I wish I could do the same for you. I miss seeing you!
Hey, Jchap(on BOLU, I'm sure of her real name) just PMd me. She lost all her info so could you send her another invite?
Oh Heather, that is such a bummer. I am so sorry. So will they keep looking for follicles? I don't know how all this works.
As an aside, arnica is supposed to help with bruising. It's a botanical supplement and should be fine for you to take, but you may want to run it by your provider.
Oh, God, Heather, I'm so sorry.
I think I would have cried over the soup too, btw. :( I really hate this for you. I'll be upping the prayers for you!!
I'm sorry in advance for cursing, but what a shitty day for you! I wish I could take some of those shots for you or something. It sucks that all we can do is read along and offer some words of encouragement. We ARE here for you though and surely the prayers to God WILL get through soon.
BTW: My home computer is fried, so I had no info on how to reach you. Jenn and April were lifesavers! Email me when you can, if you want to chat.
Thank you guys. It really, really helps that you're reading along and 'standing' with me through all of this. I feel so alone most of the time, so having you all to reach out to helps. I'm sorry I'm not the greatest friend lately. I know you all understand.
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