Friday, November 23, 2007

Picking up the pieces

I won't lie and say this has been easy to deal with. It's like a nightmare and every second that I'm awake, I think "God, it failed. I'm not pregnant." It's still such a raw, terrible, lonely feeling. And being with R's family for the holidays doesn't make it any easier. I hate being up here while I'm trying to deal with this. Every time I start to grieve, we have to go somewhere and see someone. It's not helping. We just dropped E off at R's parents house and as soon as I walked in, there were two tiny babies and one pregnant woman on the way over. R just looked at me and I couldn't say a thing. So he dropped me back off at the hotel and he went back over to his parent's house to stay with E. It just couldn't get more uncomfortable and awkward.

My mind keeps coming back to those two embryos that we transferred. It bothers me that they're still in there, dead. It's like I killed them. Like I wasn't strong enough to support them and they just didn't make it. I feel like I did everything right this time around and they still weren't able to survive. It breaks my heart to know that in someone else's body they might have been able to survive and become the children they were supposed to be. But not in my body. I feel like I'm poison. I feel like a complete failure.

I keep looking at E and thinking what if he's all I'm ever going to have? It isn't fair. It really isn't fair. Nothing about this is fair. I'm sick of hearing about people that take only a few months to get pregnant and they weep and cry about it. It's taken me two years, five IUI's and now one failed IVF and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart, a suffering marriage and 12 dead embryos.

R has always said he doesn't want to try in December because of the holiday, which I find incredibly selfish, but that's another story. He says he 'can't balance his family, our infertility and the holidays all at the same time'. Since the lab is closed anyways, I didn't argue. But it's the point that he 'can't balance it all' that pisses me off. Never mind that I balance taking two injections and three different pills during an IVF cycle, while also getting my blood taken, having daily ultrasounds, going through an egg retrieval and transfer. And HE can't balance it all. No wonder women are the ones to carry kids.

As always, I need something else to focus on, something to keep me going and so I've started thinking about what the RE should start testing for. I'm still convinced that something happened while I was carrying E and I'm starting to think that I've developed antibodies against R's bloodtype. Which would probably cause implantation problems. Since we can't try during December, I'm going to make sure they run every freaking test in the book to fix this problem. I'm sick of being a failure. I've got to beat this.

3 comments:

Unknown said...

Heather, I'm so sorry. I was thinking about how difficult it would be during the holidays, esp with the pg people and babies. Ugh, that's all you need. I hope the RE can find some answers for you. It just doesn't make sense why it was so easy with E. I will continue to send up the prayers for you hon.

Jeannie said...

I'm so sorry, H. And on top of dealing with the loss, having to deal with family, that's so hard.

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling, but please know that you are in my continued prayers. You did nothing wrong, you didn't do anything to hurt those embryos. It's not fair, it just isn't fair.

I'm sorry that R is choosing to "deal" with everything by acting that way. I can imagine that it doesn't help you at all. I hate that for you.

I know it feels like you've somehow failed, but I don't think you have. I think you are certainly on a long journey, but you aren't done traveling yet. I think planning to talk to your RE about testing is a great next step. I think that's a proactive move that will make you all the more ready to get pregnant in January. (And like I said, October babies rock!)

Know that we are all praying for you and thinking of you. :)

hms said...

Thank you both so much for the support and kindness. I know I've said it before, but it really means a lot to me.