IVF #4 / FET #2 : Epilogue

Yet another FET cycle was cancelled. After ten days or more of stims, my lovely ovaries generated 16 follicles. The RE decided to try to wait it out and they got to a whopping 22mm to 25mm. All 16 of them. And still my lining stayed put at only 4mm. Yes, 4mm. It was just heartbreaking. The RE actually said that my ovaries are very impressive. I said too bad the rest of me isn't impressive. Sigh. So he cancelled the cycle and told me to use protection if we had intercourse. HA! That's a freaking riot. Do you honestly think that after trying to make a baby for over 26 months I'm going to ABSTAIN when I know that I have 16 ripe follicles hanging out, just dying to be fertilized? Of course, there's no guarantee that I ovulated any of them, but we gave it out best try. And here I am.

I'm sad. I'm really pissed. I'm on the edge of my seat. I have no idea when I ovulated so I'm up in the air about when my period is supposed to come. Normally, I wouldn't care if I thought we didn't have a chance, but two days ago, on Tuesday afternoon I had this, well, glob of EWCM that was pink and tan colored. Which made me totally think about implantation spotting. And then the spotting stopped. Nothing at all. My CM is still pretty normal and every time I pee I'm straining my eyes to see if there's anything there on the toilet paper but nada. Nothing. Not that I really WANT to spot right now, I just want some answers. So I took a test lat night and it was negative. No hint of a second line. So I launch myself into the realm of 'Was it too early to test?'

This suspense is terrible. I can honestly say that if it really is negative, I'm alright with it. For once in my life, I'm really alright with it. But I want to know what's going on. I am praying that if I am pregnant that it's not another miscarriage. I don't even want to think about that possibility.

I got this terrible pang of sadness this afternoon just thinking that it's negative. Yes, I know I said I would be alright if it's negative, but it's still a sad thought. I'm pinning all my hopes on a pink/tan glob right now and I keep second guessing myself. I keep thinking 'Did I really see that?' but YES. I did see it. It was undeniable. It was there. But what the heck does it MEAN?

I'm just tormented. I can't test again and have it be reliable. This suspense is enough to kill me.