Hello, hello! It's hard to believe but the Christmas season is over and we're barreling toward the New Year. Our holiday was full of adventure, complete with a five hour drive to Upstate NY; a flat tire and being stranded on the Massachusetts turnpike for three hours because R took the wheel lock key out of his trunk; my sister-in-law dropping not-so-subtle hints that she's having a boy and my mother-in-law informing me that it was now my turn to 'give them a girl'; E getting what appears to be either tonsillitis or mono; R & I coming down with a terrible cold; and the usual gifts, family time and food. Just your typical holiday season!
After our hectic trip home, in which we got up at 4:00am to pack the car and drive from Syracuse to Providence, we made it to my RE appointment only ten minutes late. The nurse declared that the baseline ultrasound was what she would call 'a perfect ultrasound' and said that they would call that afternoon with my plan. After they reviewed all my results, the nurse called back and said that I can drop the Lupron to 5 units in the morning and start taking the 225 units of Follistim at night. The RE is also having me start the Estrace twice a day the same day I start the Follistim instead of waiting until day 5. Hopefully this will help out my lining, but there's no guarantee.
My chiropractor had to cancel all my appointments until after the New Year due to his wife's father dying. Oh dear god. How terrible is that? I know this is completely selfish, but I'm a little worried now because I'm starting the Follistim tonight and I was hoping to stay on track with the adjustments. I know, I know, slap me for being so selfish. I'm going to have to do my Yoga at home this week too, but that's because of the holiday. You don't need to slap me for being upset about that one.
Ok, I have to run now. E is still pretty sick and he's moaning for me to lay down with him on the couch. I can't say I mind. I'm still feeling pretty terrible myself.
I'm hoping that everyone is having a fantastic holiday season and that the New Year brings great news, luck and prosperity to us all.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I heard the bells...
I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It still brings tears to my eyes to hear someone sing it. Thanks, dear Henry.
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It still brings tears to my eyes to hear someone sing it. Thanks, dear Henry.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Giving vs. Receiving
Hard to believe that I start my stim injections next week. Which means my next retrieval is only a few weeks away. With the Christmas holiday being smack-dab in the middle of this IVF cycle, time just seems to be flying by. My period started this afternoon, right on time. It's good to know that my body is going through the same process as before and not causing any problems. Hopefully that's a good sign.
Not much new to report. Still sticking myself every morning and getting adjusted three times a week. Yoga was good this week, but my back is a little sore. The instructor had us do more back and arm positions this week, so I’m not surprised. I’m just glad it isn’t supposed to snow much in the next few days. I’d like just a little time to heal!
E seems to be feeling better, but then again it was 48 hours between the two ‘bad’ days, so I’m giving it one more day before I think we’re out of the woods. He was in a bit of a mood last night, but I’m thinking it was because he was tired and hungry after school. He only wanted pancakes for dinner and since it was just the two of us, I said it was fine. I had a bowl of cereal so who am I to tell him no to a few pancakes? After he took a bath and was tucked into bed I spent the night wrapping R’s Christmas gifts. I’d like to pick up one or two more small things, but I can’t figure out what the heck to get. I’ll have to tool around Target and see what I can find. He always goes so overboard on my gifts that I feel obligated to play catch-up with his. It sucks. For me, the gifts are always the worst part of the Holidays.
On the other hand, I got my gift in the mail from my best friend last night. Isn’t it amazing when you can feel such joy from a simple gift? She sent me some heavenly sock yarn and some amazing wool hand-dyed yarn, a new pattern book and two different needles. Joy, joy, JOY! I was just thinking a few days ago about how I need to find some good felting yarn so that I can knit a yoga bag for myself. The wool yarn will be perfect for the felting. And that is why she’s my best friend. Without even realizing it, she was reading my mind. Those are the gifts that really matter to me. Really.
Not much new to report. Still sticking myself every morning and getting adjusted three times a week. Yoga was good this week, but my back is a little sore. The instructor had us do more back and arm positions this week, so I’m not surprised. I’m just glad it isn’t supposed to snow much in the next few days. I’d like just a little time to heal!
E seems to be feeling better, but then again it was 48 hours between the two ‘bad’ days, so I’m giving it one more day before I think we’re out of the woods. He was in a bit of a mood last night, but I’m thinking it was because he was tired and hungry after school. He only wanted pancakes for dinner and since it was just the two of us, I said it was fine. I had a bowl of cereal so who am I to tell him no to a few pancakes? After he took a bath and was tucked into bed I spent the night wrapping R’s Christmas gifts. I’d like to pick up one or two more small things, but I can’t figure out what the heck to get. I’ll have to tool around Target and see what I can find. He always goes so overboard on my gifts that I feel obligated to play catch-up with his. It sucks. For me, the gifts are always the worst part of the Holidays.
On the other hand, I got my gift in the mail from my best friend last night. Isn’t it amazing when you can feel such joy from a simple gift? She sent me some heavenly sock yarn and some amazing wool hand-dyed yarn, a new pattern book and two different needles. Joy, joy, JOY! I was just thinking a few days ago about how I need to find some good felting yarn so that I can knit a yoga bag for myself. The wool yarn will be perfect for the felting. And that is why she’s my best friend. Without even realizing it, she was reading my mind. Those are the gifts that really matter to me. Really.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Birthdays and everything after.
Let me just start this post by saying that I’m now convinced that my Birthday is just a cursed holiday. This will be the third year in a row that I’ve taken care of someone who’s sick, either child or otherwise.
R and I went to my office Christmas party on Friday night. Because the Nanny’s husband’s party was the same night, we decided to share a sitter with our friends J&C. Their son, C, is 15 months and E just loves playing with him. We drop E off at their house and he puts up a huge fuss about me leaving the house. That should have been my first tip-off, but I figured he was just putting on a show. Normally he’s pretty excited about meeting someone new. We left for the party and about an hour after we were there, R calls in to check on the kids. The sitter says that everyone is doing great: E just put his PJ’s on and she’s getting C ready for bed. We all figure that everything is great so we go ahead and party the night away. R has to leave around 8:30pm to go to work, so I stay with J&C and we stick around until about 10:00pm or so. All three of us had our cell phones and since we hadn’t heard from the sitter, we figure everything is fine. Wrong, wrong, wrong. As soon as we walk into the house, I see E standing in the bathroom wearing nothing but a blanket and a diaper. The sitter explained that she’s been trying to get in touch with us since 8:00pm but couldn’t get through to any of our cell phones. Apparently, E started throwing up about 15 minutes after R checked in. He had thrown up on four sets of clothing and had even thrown up in his sleep, all over the floor, the couch, everything. I felt like the world’s worst mother. I managed to clean him up as much as possible and pack up our stuff to get him home. He got sick again in the driveway but we were able to drive the 30 minutes home without an incident. He was sick a few more times at home, but finally passed out around 1:00am or so. I cleaned up his clothes, did a load of laundry to clean up the bed linens and I laid down on his floor with a sleeping bag until I was sure he was sleeping soundly. I crawled into bed around 3:00am when R got home from work. E woke up at 7:00am on Saturday, throwing up again but by 7:30am was asking me for a bowl of cereal.
By Saturday afternoon, E is pretty much alright. He was able to keep all of his breakfast down and other than a slight fever, he’s acting normal for the most part. Against my better judgment, R and I go out to dinner and leave E with my Dad. Just like the night before, E starts howling as soon as he realizes that I’m leaving the house so I start to panic, thinking he’s going to get sick again. I ask him if he wants me to put him to sleep and he says yes, so I read him his book and tuck him in. R and I leave for dinner and when we get home, Dad says that he’s been sleeping peacefully all night.
On Sunday the weather is just plain nasty and cold outside so we stay in all day, hanging out at home, catching up on laundry and watching the Patriots game. The three of us have a nice little pancake dinner and E even helps me mix the batter and cook the bacon. I put E to bed and then work on sending out our Christmas cards. When I finally get to bed, I can’t sleep and I keep tossing and turning until I hear E crying at midnight. When I go into his room he says his ears are popping. I try to explain that it happens sometimes when you have a stuffy nose and he needs to get some sleep. He asks for a drink of water and guzzles the whole cupful. I get back to bed and finally fall asleep. At 2:00am, he wakes up crying again and this time R gets up with him. As soon as R opens E’s door, E is walking toward him saying “I’m throwing up again, Daddy!” The two of them run to the bathroom and I jump out of bed. Poor kid had started vomiting in his sleep again. I clean everything up while R takes care of E in the bathroom and by 3:00pm, we’re all cleaned and back in bed. The rest of the night passes uneventfully and in the morning E is perfectly fine. I ended up keeping him home from school, just in case, but I have no idea what the heck is going on with my boy. No one that he’s come in contact with has been sick, he went 48 hours without being sick and then gets sick again. I’m hoping the worst has passed, but I just don’t know.
So that was my Birthday weekend. Just another Mom adventure, right?
R and I went to my office Christmas party on Friday night. Because the Nanny’s husband’s party was the same night, we decided to share a sitter with our friends J&C. Their son, C, is 15 months and E just loves playing with him. We drop E off at their house and he puts up a huge fuss about me leaving the house. That should have been my first tip-off, but I figured he was just putting on a show. Normally he’s pretty excited about meeting someone new. We left for the party and about an hour after we were there, R calls in to check on the kids. The sitter says that everyone is doing great: E just put his PJ’s on and she’s getting C ready for bed. We all figure that everything is great so we go ahead and party the night away. R has to leave around 8:30pm to go to work, so I stay with J&C and we stick around until about 10:00pm or so. All three of us had our cell phones and since we hadn’t heard from the sitter, we figure everything is fine. Wrong, wrong, wrong. As soon as we walk into the house, I see E standing in the bathroom wearing nothing but a blanket and a diaper. The sitter explained that she’s been trying to get in touch with us since 8:00pm but couldn’t get through to any of our cell phones. Apparently, E started throwing up about 15 minutes after R checked in. He had thrown up on four sets of clothing and had even thrown up in his sleep, all over the floor, the couch, everything. I felt like the world’s worst mother. I managed to clean him up as much as possible and pack up our stuff to get him home. He got sick again in the driveway but we were able to drive the 30 minutes home without an incident. He was sick a few more times at home, but finally passed out around 1:00am or so. I cleaned up his clothes, did a load of laundry to clean up the bed linens and I laid down on his floor with a sleeping bag until I was sure he was sleeping soundly. I crawled into bed around 3:00am when R got home from work. E woke up at 7:00am on Saturday, throwing up again but by 7:30am was asking me for a bowl of cereal.
By Saturday afternoon, E is pretty much alright. He was able to keep all of his breakfast down and other than a slight fever, he’s acting normal for the most part. Against my better judgment, R and I go out to dinner and leave E with my Dad. Just like the night before, E starts howling as soon as he realizes that I’m leaving the house so I start to panic, thinking he’s going to get sick again. I ask him if he wants me to put him to sleep and he says yes, so I read him his book and tuck him in. R and I leave for dinner and when we get home, Dad says that he’s been sleeping peacefully all night.
On Sunday the weather is just plain nasty and cold outside so we stay in all day, hanging out at home, catching up on laundry and watching the Patriots game. The three of us have a nice little pancake dinner and E even helps me mix the batter and cook the bacon. I put E to bed and then work on sending out our Christmas cards. When I finally get to bed, I can’t sleep and I keep tossing and turning until I hear E crying at midnight. When I go into his room he says his ears are popping. I try to explain that it happens sometimes when you have a stuffy nose and he needs to get some sleep. He asks for a drink of water and guzzles the whole cupful. I get back to bed and finally fall asleep. At 2:00am, he wakes up crying again and this time R gets up with him. As soon as R opens E’s door, E is walking toward him saying “I’m throwing up again, Daddy!” The two of them run to the bathroom and I jump out of bed. Poor kid had started vomiting in his sleep again. I clean everything up while R takes care of E in the bathroom and by 3:00pm, we’re all cleaned and back in bed. The rest of the night passes uneventfully and in the morning E is perfectly fine. I ended up keeping him home from school, just in case, but I have no idea what the heck is going on with my boy. No one that he’s come in contact with has been sick, he went 48 hours without being sick and then gets sick again. I’m hoping the worst has passed, but I just don’t know.
So that was my Birthday weekend. Just another Mom adventure, right?
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The journey always ends, right?
Don't worry, it's not ending for me yet. I was surfing the net yesterday during my lunch hour, trying to make myself feel a little better about this cycle. I know that I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it, but there are some days when I feel so empty, so desperate for some sort of hope and reassurance that I reach out to the internet to find some comfort. Depending on how desperate I’m feeling, it either makes me feel better or makes me feel worse. Yesterday, I suddenly realized that almost every blog or personal link that I came across had the same conclusion: they all got pregnant.
Now a few months ago this would have made me cry. I would have started wallowing in a vat of self pity, worrying that it was never going to happen to me and just be plain miserable about it for a while. But yesterday was different: I stayed hopeful. Somehow, the thought came to me that I would eventually be one of those bloggers who finally gets to post about a doubling beta, getting a positive test, seeing a new baby on an ultrasound. Granted, I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I just feel like it’ll be sooner rather than later. Either way, I know that I’m just destined to ride this out and that it will be successful for us. There’s no rhyme or reason to infertility, especially secondary infertility. But there is always an end to the journey. And I’m almost there, I can feel it.
Now a few months ago this would have made me cry. I would have started wallowing in a vat of self pity, worrying that it was never going to happen to me and just be plain miserable about it for a while. But yesterday was different: I stayed hopeful. Somehow, the thought came to me that I would eventually be one of those bloggers who finally gets to post about a doubling beta, getting a positive test, seeing a new baby on an ultrasound. Granted, I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I just feel like it’ll be sooner rather than later. Either way, I know that I’m just destined to ride this out and that it will be successful for us. There’s no rhyme or reason to infertility, especially secondary infertility. But there is always an end to the journey. And I’m almost there, I can feel it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Pin cushion days are here again!
I started the Lupron shots this morning. I think my belly is just really used to getting stuck with needles because the shot didn't hurt one bit, even without icing it. Then again, it could have been because the migraine that I had overpowered all other pain, but that's another story. Yes, I have yet ANOTHER migraine, but I don't even want to think about it. I'm starting to wonder if the headaches are because of the birth control pills. After all, the whole reason I went off the pill five years ago was because of the migraines; I don't remember having nearly as many headaches when I was on all the meds last cycle.
E decided to wake up at 5:00am this morning and was bright and chipper as ever. I actually felt guilty for a hot second about making him go back to bed, but the headache was too much. I miss the days when I could just pick him up and bring him into bed with me, nurse him and then we'd both fall back asleep. I remember those days vividly... I miss them so much. Which is probably why I want another baby right NOW.
And speaking of wanting babies... I will fully admit that I will almost be disappointed if we don't get twins out of this mess. Yes, I will feel unbelievably blessed when this works, but I really would like to be DONE with infertility for ever and ever and in my heart I just know that I want three kids. Having twins would get the whole conceiving-again problem out of the way and it would allow the two babies to grow up with their own playmates, since E is getting too old to play with babies. It bothers me that he's going to be so much older than his siblings, but it is what it is; I can't fix it anymore than I already am.
I forgot to mention, not only did I buy a maternity dress last weekend, but I started knitting a baby sweater. My first. I'm remaining hopeful.
E decided to wake up at 5:00am this morning and was bright and chipper as ever. I actually felt guilty for a hot second about making him go back to bed, but the headache was too much. I miss the days when I could just pick him up and bring him into bed with me, nurse him and then we'd both fall back asleep. I remember those days vividly... I miss them so much. Which is probably why I want another baby right NOW.
And speaking of wanting babies... I will fully admit that I will almost be disappointed if we don't get twins out of this mess. Yes, I will feel unbelievably blessed when this works, but I really would like to be DONE with infertility for ever and ever and in my heart I just know that I want three kids. Having twins would get the whole conceiving-again problem out of the way and it would allow the two babies to grow up with their own playmates, since E is getting too old to play with babies. It bothers me that he's going to be so much older than his siblings, but it is what it is; I can't fix it anymore than I already am.
I forgot to mention, not only did I buy a maternity dress last weekend, but I started knitting a baby sweater. My first. I'm remaining hopeful.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Oh dear God in Heaven.
I know it seems like I say this all the time, but can you believe I’m coming down with yet ANOTHER cold? Or maybe it’s the same cold I’ve had for a month and it just won’t leave. Either way, it’s annoying and bugging me that I can’t get rid of it. I’d really like a few days where I just plain feel good again!
The chiropractor told me yesterday that my little spill on the ice actually sprained my neck. Of all things I need, a sprained neck is just NOT one of them. Sigh. So, he adjusted me yesterday and I went home to get ready for my yoga class. I will admit, I really, really didn’t want to go, but I forced myself and was glad that I did it. Of course, I am paying for it big time this morning. My back is SO sore that I could barely get out of bed. Everything just plain hurts. It’s hard to tell if it’s from the fall or if the yoga got to me. The class was fantastic and I was sweating like a monster, but I am one sore, sore woman today. This complimentary care stuff is enough to kill me.
The mail-order pharmacy called yesterday to confirm that they were shipping my meds overnight and to give me the price. It still kills me that the co-pay alone is over $500. I’ve said it once before, but I can’t imagine having to pay for the meds out of pocket without insurance. I know I’m griping about having to pay 20%, and don’t think that I’m not grateful, but man, infertility is EXPENSIVE.
I had the realization this morning while making E’s breakfast that I doubt there’s ever going to be a point where we just stop trying. If none of this works, I have a feeling we’ll just keep going and going. How else can you explain couples that try for eight, nine, ten years? They must get to the same point. I have such mixed emotions about starting this next cycle. Part of me is still really scared about the ‘what ifs’ again and part of me just feels like it’s going to work. I’m trying not to focus too much on the final outcome and just take the journey one step at a time.
The chiropractor told me yesterday that my little spill on the ice actually sprained my neck. Of all things I need, a sprained neck is just NOT one of them. Sigh. So, he adjusted me yesterday and I went home to get ready for my yoga class. I will admit, I really, really didn’t want to go, but I forced myself and was glad that I did it. Of course, I am paying for it big time this morning. My back is SO sore that I could barely get out of bed. Everything just plain hurts. It’s hard to tell if it’s from the fall or if the yoga got to me. The class was fantastic and I was sweating like a monster, but I am one sore, sore woman today. This complimentary care stuff is enough to kill me.
The mail-order pharmacy called yesterday to confirm that they were shipping my meds overnight and to give me the price. It still kills me that the co-pay alone is over $500. I’ve said it once before, but I can’t imagine having to pay for the meds out of pocket without insurance. I know I’m griping about having to pay 20%, and don’t think that I’m not grateful, but man, infertility is EXPENSIVE.
I had the realization this morning while making E’s breakfast that I doubt there’s ever going to be a point where we just stop trying. If none of this works, I have a feeling we’ll just keep going and going. How else can you explain couples that try for eight, nine, ten years? They must get to the same point. I have such mixed emotions about starting this next cycle. Part of me is still really scared about the ‘what ifs’ again and part of me just feels like it’s going to work. I’m trying not to focus too much on the final outcome and just take the journey one step at a time.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Welcome Winter... you can leave now.
This is just not the way that I want to start this week, let alone this Winter. This morning when I went out to start my car, I noticed that R had thought ahead last night and graciously and wisely spread ice melt all over the front steps and front walk. As I’m singing his praises in my head, I take one step onto the driveway and fall straight to the ground, banging my chin on the pavement and twisting my back. Oh boy. I can’t even remember the last time I slipped on ice and fell this hard. I thank God that E wasn’t with me. Somehow I manage to get myself off the ground, slip and slide to my car and start it. E peeked his head out of the house and I told him to wake Daddy up to help me. I slip across the driveway again, barely staying upright, and make it safely back into the house. R is freaking out now because of the lump on my chin which has now reached visible proportions and he throws clothes on to go salt the rest of the driveway. What a way to start the week. The chiropractor is just going to love this one.
So, this week is going to get better, I know it. I start my Lupron injections on Wednesday and Saturday is my birthday. It’s going to get better…
So, this week is going to get better, I know it. I start my Lupron injections on Wednesday and Saturday is my birthday. It’s going to get better…
Sunday, December 9, 2007
When little boys grow up...
E has been such a sponge lately that it's almost frightening. Yesterday he told me about a 'dream' he had where there were cheerleaders saying hello to everyone and then robbers came and shot them all because they wouldn't stop saying hello. Holy CRAP. I was so freaked out that I told R was he said and it turns out that E was looking at R's DVDs and E asked him what the people were doing on it. R has a tendency to love war and mob movies, so I don't doubt it was something war related. Still, it's so scary to think of your four-year-old talking about shooting cheerleaders. It made my stomach turn.
This morning we were watching Disney channel and they had some funny little skit on by They Might Be Giants. It was called 'Triops has three eyes' and ever since, E's been running around the house saying "TRIOPS HAS THREE EYES!!!" At least some of the sponge-like qualities are funny.
Later this afternoon, I took E with me to Target so I could pick up some more undies and PJ's for him. When I got what I needed, I browsed through the sale racks and came across a really cute maternity dress for $7.00. And I bought it. Talk about jumping the gun. I think you can officially consider me crazy now.
This morning we were watching Disney channel and they had some funny little skit on by They Might Be Giants. It was called 'Triops has three eyes' and ever since, E's been running around the house saying "TRIOPS HAS THREE EYES!!!" At least some of the sponge-like qualities are funny.
Later this afternoon, I took E with me to Target so I could pick up some more undies and PJ's for him. When I got what I needed, I browsed through the sale racks and came across a really cute maternity dress for $7.00. And I bought it. Talk about jumping the gun. I think you can officially consider me crazy now.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Just another feeling...
While I was driving home tonight I suddenly had this strange realization about WHY I'm not getting pregnant. Here's my thinking: we already know that the RE thinks we have an embryo quality issue. It takes five to seven days for the fertilized egg to make it's little journey from the tubes to the uterus. If we have an embryo quality issue, that amount of time could be the reason we're not getting pregnant. It could be that by the time the embryos get to the uterus, they're too weak or too diminished to implant. So, by transferring them on day three and giving them a head start with the assisted hatching, we could bypass those problems and it would mean a successful cycle this time around. I know it's all just a theory, but when the thought came into my head, I actually said outloud "And that's why this cycle is going to work!" It's just one of those feelings that comes around. It might not be fact, but it certainly feels like it.
It makes me happy.
It makes me happy.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
On the same page...
While eating lunch this afternoon, I remembered the name of one of the medications I had seen someone mention in their IVF protocol that had to do with implantation: Medrol. It's been stuck in my head for the past few weeks, so I decided to look it up and see what it was all about and why it was used during IVF. I remember asking my RE about it last cycle, but he said that it was usually only used for people doing a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) and because we were doing a fresh cycle, it wasn't necessary. So, I did some research today and lo-and-behold one of the links that came up was for my RE's office. The link stated that they usually add it to the FET/IVF protocol and they add it when women use Assisted Hatching because there's some evidence that it can help with implantation and decrease the likelihood that the embryos will be thought of as foreign invaders and be rejected (a common problem in failed implantation). Right away, I picked up the phone and called the RE's office, since I hadn't seen Medrol on my list of meds for this cycle. The nurse called back a few minutes later and said that the RE had already ordered it for this cycle. It wasn't on the meds list because they only prescribe it right before the retrieval and since it's common, they just let you pick it up at the local pharmacy rather than ordering it through mail order (which is how I get the rest of my meds).
It's nice to be on the same page as the RE again. It means that I'm on the right track with all my worrying and he's on the right track with my protocol. I'm taking it as a good sign.
It's nice to be on the same page as the RE again. It means that I'm on the right track with all my worrying and he's on the right track with my protocol. I'm taking it as a good sign.
New cycle dates are in!
I finally broke down and called the IVF coordinator yesterday to get my dates for this coming cycle. I knew that she was on vacation for a few days last week, but it was just getting too close for comfort and so I called her. Good thing I did… the dates are coming up soon! Here’s how cycle number two is going to play out:
Start Lupron injections (10 units in the morning) on Wednesday, December 12.
Take my last birth control pill on Sunday, December 16. Period should arrive a few days later.
Go in for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday, December 26. Wait for go ahead to start Follistim injections, somewhere between December 27 and December 28.
Tentative egg retrieval on Tuesday, January 8, 2008.
Transfer two embryos on day three, tentatively on Friday, January 11, 2008.
And there you have it. My life for the next four weeks. Of course, the dates are still tentative, but considering how I responded last time around, I’m sure it’ll only be about one day off. I already put in for vacation time from January 8 through January 11, so I’ll be nice and relaxed this time around. At least that’s the plan. Gosh, I’m wondering if it’s such a good idea to actually take all that time off. I mean, I know I need the retrieval date to recuperate, but staying home between the retrieval and the transfer is going to be torture… Well, at least it isn’t a five-day transfer this time around. If I had to do that again it would probably kill me.
My headache is finally gone. Thank GOD! I decided to just muscle through it yesterday and I pretended my head didn’t hurt. By the time I got home, it was still tender and sore, but R was working and I had to just get through the night with E, so I took it easy. I made PB&J sandwiches for dinner and did some housework while E played. I got another load of laundry done and was able to vacuum the entire upstairs. I’m wondering if keeping busy helped the headache subside. Either way, it really was mind over matter. Luckily, this morning it is all gone. Maybe I can actually do some yoga tonight…
Start Lupron injections (10 units in the morning) on Wednesday, December 12.
Take my last birth control pill on Sunday, December 16. Period should arrive a few days later.
Go in for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday, December 26. Wait for go ahead to start Follistim injections, somewhere between December 27 and December 28.
Tentative egg retrieval on Tuesday, January 8, 2008.
Transfer two embryos on day three, tentatively on Friday, January 11, 2008.
And there you have it. My life for the next four weeks. Of course, the dates are still tentative, but considering how I responded last time around, I’m sure it’ll only be about one day off. I already put in for vacation time from January 8 through January 11, so I’ll be nice and relaxed this time around. At least that’s the plan. Gosh, I’m wondering if it’s such a good idea to actually take all that time off. I mean, I know I need the retrieval date to recuperate, but staying home between the retrieval and the transfer is going to be torture… Well, at least it isn’t a five-day transfer this time around. If I had to do that again it would probably kill me.
My headache is finally gone. Thank GOD! I decided to just muscle through it yesterday and I pretended my head didn’t hurt. By the time I got home, it was still tender and sore, but R was working and I had to just get through the night with E, so I took it easy. I made PB&J sandwiches for dinner and did some housework while E played. I got another load of laundry done and was able to vacuum the entire upstairs. I’m wondering if keeping busy helped the headache subside. Either way, it really was mind over matter. Luckily, this morning it is all gone. Maybe I can actually do some yoga tonight…
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Struggling through the days...
The chiropractor’s appointment went well yesterday. We reviewed my x-ray films and boy, am I really messed up. He said that my lower back looks great, but there is a definite curve from my mid-back all the way up through my neck. He also said that the curve in my neck is bad enough to be called mild scoliosis of the neck. Oh boy. He adjusted my hips, mid back and neck and was pleased to see that he felt some movement in the right direction after the adjustment. As for me, I felt a little weird afterwards and only a few hours later I had another raging migraine. I ended up going to bed by 8:00pm. How in the world am I going to get healthy if I can’t even stay up past 8:00pm? The headache was still there this morning, so I had to take two ibuprofen just to get through the day. Right now I feel like I’m in a complete fog; I can’t concentrate, my vision is blurry and I’m just miserable. Ugh.
There was a really interesting article in Newsweek this week about the connection between fertility and your dietary habits. I already knew most of the information (due to all of the research I’ve done over the past two years, not because I’m just a smarty pants), but I was really shocked to find out a few things. I’ve heard that a high-protein diet was important when trying to conceive, but most of the time the literature didn’t differentiate between animal protein (eggs and meats) and plant proteins (peas, beans, nuts). This study said that too much animal proteins can actually hamper certain types of infertility (specifically ovulatory infertility, where the woman has problems ovulating and releasing an egg) and that adding more plant proteins can boost fertility. They also said that whole milk can boost fertility while skim and low fat milks can actually hurt fertility. That one was a shocker to me. But, all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt, so to speak. In my case, I fall into that lovely 10% of women who have unexplained infertility: none of that information really applies to me. I ovulate fine, I just can’t get pregnant. But, it doesn’t mean that it would hurt me to adopt some of the ideas. The funny part is that I already drink whole milk because I hate the taste of skim. Unfortunately, I don’t drink enough of it! I get probably one or two servings a week, which is terrible. I also don’t eat much animal protein, but I will add more plant based protein in the next few months. Any little change can help.
I also finally went out and bought more fish oil capsules and I stocked up on CQ-10 as well. Both of these supplements are supposed to be good for your heart, which in turn can help circulation and possibly boost the blood going to the vital organs, including the uterus. It’s just a theory but many people swear that it helped their lining as well. If you remember, in September my lining got up to an almost healthy 7.4mm and I was taking fish oil at the time as part of my vitamin supplements. I stopped soon after because I ran out, and my lining was a terrible 5.4mm during my IVF cycle. Even though the RE is convinced that my lining is not an issue, I’d personally like to see it around the 7.5mm mark so I’m doing everything I can think of to get it higher this time around. The CQ-10 supposedly also boosts egg and sperm quality. R’s vitamin already has CQ-10 in it, so I bought the supplement for me and will take it with my other two vitamins. Once again, any little change might help…
There was a really interesting article in Newsweek this week about the connection between fertility and your dietary habits. I already knew most of the information (due to all of the research I’ve done over the past two years, not because I’m just a smarty pants), but I was really shocked to find out a few things. I’ve heard that a high-protein diet was important when trying to conceive, but most of the time the literature didn’t differentiate between animal protein (eggs and meats) and plant proteins (peas, beans, nuts). This study said that too much animal proteins can actually hamper certain types of infertility (specifically ovulatory infertility, where the woman has problems ovulating and releasing an egg) and that adding more plant proteins can boost fertility. They also said that whole milk can boost fertility while skim and low fat milks can actually hurt fertility. That one was a shocker to me. But, all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt, so to speak. In my case, I fall into that lovely 10% of women who have unexplained infertility: none of that information really applies to me. I ovulate fine, I just can’t get pregnant. But, it doesn’t mean that it would hurt me to adopt some of the ideas. The funny part is that I already drink whole milk because I hate the taste of skim. Unfortunately, I don’t drink enough of it! I get probably one or two servings a week, which is terrible. I also don’t eat much animal protein, but I will add more plant based protein in the next few months. Any little change can help.
I also finally went out and bought more fish oil capsules and I stocked up on CQ-10 as well. Both of these supplements are supposed to be good for your heart, which in turn can help circulation and possibly boost the blood going to the vital organs, including the uterus. It’s just a theory but many people swear that it helped their lining as well. If you remember, in September my lining got up to an almost healthy 7.4mm and I was taking fish oil at the time as part of my vitamin supplements. I stopped soon after because I ran out, and my lining was a terrible 5.4mm during my IVF cycle. Even though the RE is convinced that my lining is not an issue, I’d personally like to see it around the 7.5mm mark so I’m doing everything I can think of to get it higher this time around. The CQ-10 supposedly also boosts egg and sperm quality. R’s vitamin already has CQ-10 in it, so I bought the supplement for me and will take it with my other two vitamins. Once again, any little change might help…
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Turning 'wish' into 'will'...
I was a complete lump on a log last night. I had all these ambitions to start my yoga and I ended up doing one load of laundry and plopping on the couch and watching 'Jon & Kate plus 8'. Bad, bad idea. If you've never seen the show, it's about a husband and wife that underwent fertility treatments to have their children. The first time they had twins; the second time they had SIX. Yes, six babies. It was like a drug: I knew it was going to mess me up, but I couldn't stop. And of course, as soon as it was over I started crying and thinking "God, please, I just want ONE more baby. You gave them six... I just want one." Not a great way to end the night.
It hit me as I was walking up to bed, repeating over and over "God, please, please make this work. I really want just one more baby" that I need to start changing the "I wish I could get pregnant" into "I WILL get pregnant." That's what I need to concentrate on. Yes, I'm going to have crappy, bad, pity-me days. But those days aren't the majority and I know that this is eventually going to work. I will get pregnant again. Granted, I don't know when or how long it's going to take or even how we'll get there, but I just know it's going to work. I know it. I WILL get pregnant again.
It hit me as I was walking up to bed, repeating over and over "God, please, please make this work. I really want just one more baby" that I need to start changing the "I wish I could get pregnant" into "I WILL get pregnant." That's what I need to concentrate on. Yes, I'm going to have crappy, bad, pity-me days. But those days aren't the majority and I know that this is eventually going to work. I will get pregnant again. Granted, I don't know when or how long it's going to take or even how we'll get there, but I just know it's going to work. I know it. I WILL get pregnant again.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Keepin' on...
It seems like my cold is finally coming to an end. Plus, my migraine is finally gone after a full five days of lingering around. I had my first appointment with the chiropractor today and to use his own words, “You’re lucky you came in when you did!” Apparently I’m all sorts of messed up. My right leg is ½ inch longer than my left, the right side of my hip is almost immobile and I have some problems with three different vertebra. Basically, I’m just a mess. He had me go for X-rays this morning and I’m supposed to go back tomorrow for a follow-up and to review the film with him. I always love looking at my own bones. I wonder what other funny things he’ll find. I’m really excited about the possibility that I might actually start to feel better. I’m even more excited to see how (and if) this will affect my body in other ways. I mentioned to the Dr. that I am undergoing infertility treatments (he asked what medications I was on and was a little shocked when I laughed and rattled them off in seconds), and he mentioned that there is some evidence that chiropractic care has helped with infertility treatments in the past. I’m not looking for it to be the solution to all our problems, but I honestly feel like getting all these pieces in a row can’t hurt. Sort of like polishing the temple before you say your prayers, right?
Otherwise, life is just marching on. I’m feeling a little sluggish today, but I’m sure it’s because of the cold weather we’re having. It’s a whopping 30 degrees here today and rainy. E is doing magnificently on his potty-training. He’s now been in ‘big-boy-undies’ for 11 days without a single accident. Granted, he’s still wet about 50% of the time after a nap and he’s wet every morning, but first things first. It’s just such a welcome change that I can’t fault him too much for being a little slower with the rest of it.
Work is still crazy beyond belief. I can’t remember if I posted this before, but I decided that I’m taking the time between my next retrieval and transfer off entirely, plus one extra day after the transfer. I have some vacation time built up and I figured now was as good as any time to start using it up. Now if the IVF coordinator would just call me we could get this show on the road.
Otherwise, life is just marching on. I’m feeling a little sluggish today, but I’m sure it’s because of the cold weather we’re having. It’s a whopping 30 degrees here today and rainy. E is doing magnificently on his potty-training. He’s now been in ‘big-boy-undies’ for 11 days without a single accident. Granted, he’s still wet about 50% of the time after a nap and he’s wet every morning, but first things first. It’s just such a welcome change that I can’t fault him too much for being a little slower with the rest of it.
Work is still crazy beyond belief. I can’t remember if I posted this before, but I decided that I’m taking the time between my next retrieval and transfer off entirely, plus one extra day after the transfer. I have some vacation time built up and I figured now was as good as any time to start using it up. Now if the IVF coordinator would just call me we could get this show on the road.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Pulling out all the stops.
I will admit that I’m one of those kooky people that really believes in the mind-body-spirit connection. I won’t say that I go overboard and chant, hug crystals, eat only organic, and all that, but I do believe that there is something to the connection that your body has with all elements of life. I considered very strongly starting acupuncture treatments with this IVF cycle, but after learning that there is very differing opinions out there about the effectiveness of acupuncture and infertility, I decided against it. Ever the practical person, I also learned that our insurance doesn’t cover it, and adding more of a financial burden to our treatment would certainly not help the stress-level right now. On the other hand, having had chiropractic care in the past, I opted to start seeing chiropractor again. Similar to the acupuncture results, the link between chiropractic care and infertility (and even IVF treatments) is spotty at best. So why am I bothering? First of all, my migraines have come back full-force since stopping the last IVF cycle. Second, I’ve also been lugging around a 38 pound child on a semi-daily basis, so my back and neck are completely out of whack and I can feel it getting worse. My first hope is that the headaches will get better, but I won’t deny that I’m hoping the general feeling of well-being that chiropractic care can bring will benefit this second IVF cycle. My first appointment with the new chiropractor is on Monday.
And, if chiropractic care wasn’t enough, I’ve also borrowed a friend’s yoga tapes and I’m going to try to do it twice a week as soon as this cold stops kicking my butt. I already asked R to get me a gift certificate to a yoga studio so that I can start taking classes again. I took prenatal yoga when I was pregnant with E and I just loved it.
When I was researching the insurance coverage of the acupuncture, I logged onto my health insurance account to look at the claims. It’s still too early to tell, but it looks like some, if not all of the anesthesia costs from my egg retrieval were covered by insurance. When I called the insurance company to ask her about it, she said that it was covered and I shouldn’t see another bill. I’m confused because the IVF financial counselor said that we would have to pay for that portion out-of-pocket when we went for our first IVF meeting, but the claim when through. I called the IVF financial office to see if they had any outstanding balances due, but I’m still waiting for her call back. I don’t want to jump the gun, but if those costs were covered, that saves us $600 per cycle! That, combined with the fact that we don't need ICSI with cycle #2 means that we'll save about $1,000 this coming cycle.
The RE’s office called twice in the past two days to make sure that I know that they got my message about starting our next IVF cycle. The IVF coordinator is out of the office today, but they said that she should be back to me with my cycle dates by December 3 or 4. In the meantime, I’m still just taking the birth control pills and biding my time, trying to get the rest of my ducks in a row.
And, if chiropractic care wasn’t enough, I’ve also borrowed a friend’s yoga tapes and I’m going to try to do it twice a week as soon as this cold stops kicking my butt. I already asked R to get me a gift certificate to a yoga studio so that I can start taking classes again. I took prenatal yoga when I was pregnant with E and I just loved it.
When I was researching the insurance coverage of the acupuncture, I logged onto my health insurance account to look at the claims. It’s still too early to tell, but it looks like some, if not all of the anesthesia costs from my egg retrieval were covered by insurance. When I called the insurance company to ask her about it, she said that it was covered and I shouldn’t see another bill. I’m confused because the IVF financial counselor said that we would have to pay for that portion out-of-pocket when we went for our first IVF meeting, but the claim when through. I called the IVF financial office to see if they had any outstanding balances due, but I’m still waiting for her call back. I don’t want to jump the gun, but if those costs were covered, that saves us $600 per cycle! That, combined with the fact that we don't need ICSI with cycle #2 means that we'll save about $1,000 this coming cycle.
The RE’s office called twice in the past two days to make sure that I know that they got my message about starting our next IVF cycle. The IVF coordinator is out of the office today, but they said that she should be back to me with my cycle dates by December 3 or 4. In the meantime, I’m still just taking the birth control pills and biding my time, trying to get the rest of my ducks in a row.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Blind hope and more...
I realized that in the midst of my post yesterday that I forgot to update on what the treatment will be for our poor embryo quality. Even though he was concerned about the poor quality of the embryos at the end of the fertilization, he agrees that they were going along perfectly at day 3 which is why, as I mentioned in the previous post, we’ll go with a day three instead of a day 5 transfer. What I forgot to mention was that we’ll also be doing a procedure called “assisted hatching” with our day three embryos. Basically, once the embryos get to day three, they will put a tiny drop of an acidic solution on the embryos to thin the outer shell of the embryos. When embryos attempt to implant, they have to break out of their ‘shell’ and they send cells out of the shell to attach to the uterus. If they apply this little bit of acid to the shell, the hope is that the cells will have an easier time breaking out and attaching to the uterus, thereby making implantation easier. If you Google the term “IVF Assisted hatching” you can read about how important AH has become in some IVF treatments. Our RE thinks that AH is our best chance on getting those embryos to attach and grow.
Despite the fact that I’m starting to get a nasty cold, I’m feeling much better about things. I’ll admit that it sucks having to start another IVF cycle all over again, but it feels good to still be doing something. It would have just killed me to take another few months off. Right now I’m just taking my daily birth control pill and anxiously awaiting the scheduling phone call from the RE’s IVF coordinator. With any luck I’ll be starting the Lupron injections in about two weeks. I hope you realize how perverse it is that I am excited about taking injections again.
A friend at work put me in touch with another IVF veteran whom I’ll call K. Like me, K had no known fertility problems. She had five (or six, she can’t remember) IUIs which all failed, two IVF’s which failed and then finally got pregnant with triplets on her third IVF attempt. It was so great to talk to someone who’s actually been through it before and even better to talk to someone who has been successful at it. It gave me this unbelievable sense of hope, something I’ve been struggling with since we lost all 12 embryos. She even used the same practice that I’m using, although with a different doctor.
K validated all the terrible things that I’ve been feeling and was a nice reminder that I am really not alone in this fight. As much as I can talk about this with R and with my best friend and with sympathetic friends at work, it just isn’t the same. It’s extremely difficult for all those people to really understand what I’m going through when they haven’t gone through it themselves. I could not do it without them, but it feels good when someone who’s done it says “You have to have hope because it WILL work for you!” Sometimes blind hope is all you need to keep you sustained for a little longer. Blind hope is all I’m clinging to these days. Blind hope and the deep feeling, almost an intuition, that it will work for us this time around. Which brings me to another point…
I realized the other night while perusing through some old posts on this blog that I haven’t been entirely honest about some of the things that I’ve been posting. I’ve held back some of the things I’ve been thinking because I was too afraid to jinx myself by putting them out there. I felt like if I wrote them down I would be admitting something that I didn’t want to admit and was afraid of what I might be manifesting by writing the thoughts down. Enough of that. It’s time to be honest with myself and if something goes through my head, it’s worth writing down even if it’s ugly. The reason I bring all of this up is because of a conversation I had with a friend (P) in the beginning of October. Before I had even started a single injection, before we officially started our first IVF cycle I stood at her desk and told her that I was certain that the first IVF cycle would fail but that the second would be a success. I don’t know where the thought came from and it didn’t really bother me all that much, but I was as certain of it as I am of my own name. And sure enough, the first cycle failed even though all the signs (pre-fertilization) were pointing to a successful cycle. P thought I was crazy, that I was going to jinx myself, but I told her as plain as I could that I was sure the first one would fail but something was telling me that the second cycle would work. Whether or not it was because we fixed the lining issue, or changed the protocol or what, it was just going to work.
And there you have it: honesty. I’m not saying that I’m forecasting a perfect second cycle, but I’m going along with that intuition that never seems to fail me. When I get these ‘feelings’, it’s almost like someone turns a light on in my head and shines it on the truth and whatever that intuition is just feels true. It’s hard to explain, but I had the same experience before I married R. Something ‘told’ me to marry him and I just knew it was the right thing to do. With that ‘feeling’, it just became a fact that it was the way it was supposed to be. The same thing happened when I got pregnant with E: that voice just said it worked and that I was pregnant. I didn’t even take a test until the day after my period was due and I still knew that it would be a positive test. There was no doubt in my mind and lo-and-behold, it was. Three weeks later, when I was about six weeks pregnant I had another ‘feeling’ that I was pregnant with a boy and a few months later, at our 21 week ultrasound they confirmed E was indeed a boy. These ‘feelings’ just happen and I can’t remember one time when I really believed in it that it wasn’t true. And the same thing happened when I had the conversation with P; I really believed that the first one wasn’t going to work, but the second cycle would.
And as I embark on this cycle, I’m going to let that feeling about this IVF journey sustain me. Those feelings haven’t been wrong yet. I’m going to keep the faith in my own intuition and keep hope alive.
Despite the fact that I’m starting to get a nasty cold, I’m feeling much better about things. I’ll admit that it sucks having to start another IVF cycle all over again, but it feels good to still be doing something. It would have just killed me to take another few months off. Right now I’m just taking my daily birth control pill and anxiously awaiting the scheduling phone call from the RE’s IVF coordinator. With any luck I’ll be starting the Lupron injections in about two weeks. I hope you realize how perverse it is that I am excited about taking injections again.
A friend at work put me in touch with another IVF veteran whom I’ll call K. Like me, K had no known fertility problems. She had five (or six, she can’t remember) IUIs which all failed, two IVF’s which failed and then finally got pregnant with triplets on her third IVF attempt. It was so great to talk to someone who’s actually been through it before and even better to talk to someone who has been successful at it. It gave me this unbelievable sense of hope, something I’ve been struggling with since we lost all 12 embryos. She even used the same practice that I’m using, although with a different doctor.
K validated all the terrible things that I’ve been feeling and was a nice reminder that I am really not alone in this fight. As much as I can talk about this with R and with my best friend and with sympathetic friends at work, it just isn’t the same. It’s extremely difficult for all those people to really understand what I’m going through when they haven’t gone through it themselves. I could not do it without them, but it feels good when someone who’s done it says “You have to have hope because it WILL work for you!” Sometimes blind hope is all you need to keep you sustained for a little longer. Blind hope is all I’m clinging to these days. Blind hope and the deep feeling, almost an intuition, that it will work for us this time around. Which brings me to another point…
I realized the other night while perusing through some old posts on this blog that I haven’t been entirely honest about some of the things that I’ve been posting. I’ve held back some of the things I’ve been thinking because I was too afraid to jinx myself by putting them out there. I felt like if I wrote them down I would be admitting something that I didn’t want to admit and was afraid of what I might be manifesting by writing the thoughts down. Enough of that. It’s time to be honest with myself and if something goes through my head, it’s worth writing down even if it’s ugly. The reason I bring all of this up is because of a conversation I had with a friend (P) in the beginning of October. Before I had even started a single injection, before we officially started our first IVF cycle I stood at her desk and told her that I was certain that the first IVF cycle would fail but that the second would be a success. I don’t know where the thought came from and it didn’t really bother me all that much, but I was as certain of it as I am of my own name. And sure enough, the first cycle failed even though all the signs (pre-fertilization) were pointing to a successful cycle. P thought I was crazy, that I was going to jinx myself, but I told her as plain as I could that I was sure the first one would fail but something was telling me that the second cycle would work. Whether or not it was because we fixed the lining issue, or changed the protocol or what, it was just going to work.
And there you have it: honesty. I’m not saying that I’m forecasting a perfect second cycle, but I’m going along with that intuition that never seems to fail me. When I get these ‘feelings’, it’s almost like someone turns a light on in my head and shines it on the truth and whatever that intuition is just feels true. It’s hard to explain, but I had the same experience before I married R. Something ‘told’ me to marry him and I just knew it was the right thing to do. With that ‘feeling’, it just became a fact that it was the way it was supposed to be. The same thing happened when I got pregnant with E: that voice just said it worked and that I was pregnant. I didn’t even take a test until the day after my period was due and I still knew that it would be a positive test. There was no doubt in my mind and lo-and-behold, it was. Three weeks later, when I was about six weeks pregnant I had another ‘feeling’ that I was pregnant with a boy and a few months later, at our 21 week ultrasound they confirmed E was indeed a boy. These ‘feelings’ just happen and I can’t remember one time when I really believed in it that it wasn’t true. And the same thing happened when I had the conversation with P; I really believed that the first one wasn’t going to work, but the second cycle would.
And as I embark on this cycle, I’m going to let that feeling about this IVF journey sustain me. Those feelings haven’t been wrong yet. I’m going to keep the faith in my own intuition and keep hope alive.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Back in the saddle...
The appointment didn’t exactly go as I expected, but we’re back in the IVF game again. I started my first birth control pill last night and our second IVF retrieval should happen around mid-January.
We had a long talk with the RE about the last cycle and he basically dropped a bomb on us: he’s very concerned about our embryo quality. He was shocked that all 10 embryos that were left after transfer failed and that we didn’t have a single one to freeze. Basically, the embryos all died after day 5 and that’s probably why it didn’t work out for us. The stress on them was just too much and even though the two that we transferred were near-perfect, there’s still no known cause why they would fail. It’s just hard to understand. The worst part is that if we had gone with the day three transfer, he’s certain we would have had at least 6 good embryos to freeze. Sigh. It was just so hard to hear because there’s nothing, NOTHING that we can do to improve embryo quality. The RE said that there’s no evidence that there’s anything wrong with R’s sperm, or that there’s any egg quality problems, so he’s convinced that we should try again as soon as possible. This time, however, even if we have another 12 embryos fertilize, we’ll go with a day three transfer instead of a day five. His thought is that if we get the embryos back to where they belong sooner, it’ll help protect them and hopefully they’ll implant like they should. Hopefully. There are still no guarantees on any of this. Sigh again.
I asked him about the Viagra and the thin lining and he is not concerned about my lining at all. He doesn’t think it had anything to do with our failed cycle. I harped on it so much that I could tell he was getting a little exasperated, but he handled it and basically said that if I wanted, we could start the Estrace earlier this time around to see if it helps. But, when I said I was concerned about how thin the lining was, he replied “But it was beautiful. And there was nothing about the lining that would cause me to cancel your cycle.” He’s still sticking with the thought that as long as it has a triple-stripe, he’s saying it’s alright. I asked him if E’s delivery could have caused my lining to thin over the years and he said that the sonohystogram that we did two months ago would have shown scarring or other problems and there was nothing like that found on any of the results. I asked about the Viagra instead of the estrogen and he said that he’s not convinced about the benefits and does not want me to use it. So, I’ll have to live with it for now. I’m not sure what else to do about it. I guess I could go ahead and find a doctor that goes along with what I want to do, but I’m not sure if that would help or hinder us. There’s really only one IVF clinic in RI and I’m there. My only other choice is to go to Boston and working in the East Bay doesn’t make getting to Boston very easy. It would take me 60 minutes each way for a 7:00am doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure the stress would help…
There you have it. I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me is glad to be starting over, but the other part is just plain tired of all of this. I really just want to get this part of my life over with and get pregnant and be done with it. R is not happy about going through another cycle, but I can’t let it rest right now. I have to keep moving, keep going to make myself feel at peace with being infertile. It isn’t something he can understand and it’s caused a lot of problems in our marriage, but it is what it is. I can’t help the way I feel about this and neither can he.
We had a long talk with the RE about the last cycle and he basically dropped a bomb on us: he’s very concerned about our embryo quality. He was shocked that all 10 embryos that were left after transfer failed and that we didn’t have a single one to freeze. Basically, the embryos all died after day 5 and that’s probably why it didn’t work out for us. The stress on them was just too much and even though the two that we transferred were near-perfect, there’s still no known cause why they would fail. It’s just hard to understand. The worst part is that if we had gone with the day three transfer, he’s certain we would have had at least 6 good embryos to freeze. Sigh. It was just so hard to hear because there’s nothing, NOTHING that we can do to improve embryo quality. The RE said that there’s no evidence that there’s anything wrong with R’s sperm, or that there’s any egg quality problems, so he’s convinced that we should try again as soon as possible. This time, however, even if we have another 12 embryos fertilize, we’ll go with a day three transfer instead of a day five. His thought is that if we get the embryos back to where they belong sooner, it’ll help protect them and hopefully they’ll implant like they should. Hopefully. There are still no guarantees on any of this. Sigh again.
I asked him about the Viagra and the thin lining and he is not concerned about my lining at all. He doesn’t think it had anything to do with our failed cycle. I harped on it so much that I could tell he was getting a little exasperated, but he handled it and basically said that if I wanted, we could start the Estrace earlier this time around to see if it helps. But, when I said I was concerned about how thin the lining was, he replied “But it was beautiful. And there was nothing about the lining that would cause me to cancel your cycle.” He’s still sticking with the thought that as long as it has a triple-stripe, he’s saying it’s alright. I asked him if E’s delivery could have caused my lining to thin over the years and he said that the sonohystogram that we did two months ago would have shown scarring or other problems and there was nothing like that found on any of the results. I asked about the Viagra instead of the estrogen and he said that he’s not convinced about the benefits and does not want me to use it. So, I’ll have to live with it for now. I’m not sure what else to do about it. I guess I could go ahead and find a doctor that goes along with what I want to do, but I’m not sure if that would help or hinder us. There’s really only one IVF clinic in RI and I’m there. My only other choice is to go to Boston and working in the East Bay doesn’t make getting to Boston very easy. It would take me 60 minutes each way for a 7:00am doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure the stress would help…
There you have it. I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me is glad to be starting over, but the other part is just plain tired of all of this. I really just want to get this part of my life over with and get pregnant and be done with it. R is not happy about going through another cycle, but I can’t let it rest right now. I have to keep moving, keep going to make myself feel at peace with being infertile. It isn’t something he can understand and it’s caused a lot of problems in our marriage, but it is what it is. I can’t help the way I feel about this and neither can he.
Monday, November 26, 2007
A slave to the (reproductive) system.
The RE’s office called yesterday (and again this morning) to tell me that I still needed to have my beta, even though I got my period and even though I’ve taken TWO different HPTs that were negative. I even took one last night, just to prove to myself that it really was negative and they STILL want to run a beta. So, I get to have yet another person tell me that I’m not pregnant. The joy of it all. The funniest part is that the nurse asked me if I was still taking the progesterone. I told her no, I didn’t think it was worth it since I was bleeding so much and I had two negative tests. Her reply? “It shouldn’t be a problem if you need to start it up again after the beta.” Um, what part of I’M NOT PREGNANT are you not understanding?
So, my original post-IVF consult was supposed to be on December 6, but I made them change it to tomorrow at 3:30pm. I’m a pesky little bugger, aren’t I? No time like the present to jump back on that horse, right? (See that funny little way I combined two bumper-sticker sayings? At least I didn’t lose my sense of humor along with those two embryos…) Knowing my RE the way that I do, I’m 99% sure I already know what he’s going to say about our failed cycle. He’s going to tell us that the cycle wasn’t a true failure because we learned a heck of a lot about what’s going on. We learned that ovulation isn’t our problem because I had plenty of eggs to harvest; we learned that fertilization isn’t our problem because out of the 9 that they fertilized naturally (without ICSI), all 9 fertilized just fine, which also means that egg quality and sperm quality aren’t issues for us. So, the next issue that we have to think about it what’s happening in my uterus that isn’t allowing those embryos to implant. I’ve done some research and there are two thinks that I want him to investigate and one new treatment I want to try:
1. I found that one of the reasons for a thin lining is the uterus’ inability to absorb estrogen properly. We pumped my body FULL of estrogen but my lining stayed put at below 6mm. Studies show that anything below an 8mm lining is a recipe for IVF failure. One of the reasons that the uterus may be unable to properly absorb estrogen is because of a septic delivery. Most septic deliveries happen when the delivery is unplanned (i.e., mother doesn’t make it to the hospital and gives birth somewhere other than a hospital) or when the mother has an infection of some sort after the birth. When I had E, the placenta was sent off to the lab because the OB thought it looked strange. It turns out that it was infected and so they put me on IV antibiotics for 48 hours. Every time I brought it up with my OB, she said it wasn’t a problem. I’ve always thought it was strange, so I’m going to bring it up again and see what the RE says.
2. Both E and R are O+ blood types; I’m A-. I’m still thinking that because of the infection and the delivery when I had E that our bloods mixed and I developed rH antibodies against R’s bloodtype. I’ve heard of it happening before, but again, when I bring it up, the OB said that the rH shot should take care of that. I’m not convinced that something didn’t happen to make this a problem.
3. A new treatment option: Viagra. Ok, laugh your little head off, but there’s been some very interesting research done in the past 10 years about women with IVF problems using Viagra to solve thin uterine lining issues. Read all about it here:
http://www.fertilitycommunity.com/fertility/viagra-for-infertility-treatment.html
http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/women/03/23/viagra.pregnancies/index.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=&id=315
So, there you have it. Just one more thing to stick where the sun don’t shine. And since I’m not sure if my RE will consider using it, I’m going to bug him about it until he either does use it or comes up with something as aggressive.
I dragged out the old fertility monitor last night in preparation for the fact that the RE may want us to sit out the month of December. HA! As if I’d let a little thing like infertility stop me in my baby-making plans. I figure that if the doctor won’t let us try with medical intervention, then we’ll have to resort to the old-fashioned way again. Maybe he’ll let us try ‘home relations’ with the Viagra this month, just to see if the lining improves. Maybe we’ll try another IUI with the Viagra. I’m guessing the possibilities are endless right now.
So, my original post-IVF consult was supposed to be on December 6, but I made them change it to tomorrow at 3:30pm. I’m a pesky little bugger, aren’t I? No time like the present to jump back on that horse, right? (See that funny little way I combined two bumper-sticker sayings? At least I didn’t lose my sense of humor along with those two embryos…) Knowing my RE the way that I do, I’m 99% sure I already know what he’s going to say about our failed cycle. He’s going to tell us that the cycle wasn’t a true failure because we learned a heck of a lot about what’s going on. We learned that ovulation isn’t our problem because I had plenty of eggs to harvest; we learned that fertilization isn’t our problem because out of the 9 that they fertilized naturally (without ICSI), all 9 fertilized just fine, which also means that egg quality and sperm quality aren’t issues for us. So, the next issue that we have to think about it what’s happening in my uterus that isn’t allowing those embryos to implant. I’ve done some research and there are two thinks that I want him to investigate and one new treatment I want to try:
1. I found that one of the reasons for a thin lining is the uterus’ inability to absorb estrogen properly. We pumped my body FULL of estrogen but my lining stayed put at below 6mm. Studies show that anything below an 8mm lining is a recipe for IVF failure. One of the reasons that the uterus may be unable to properly absorb estrogen is because of a septic delivery. Most septic deliveries happen when the delivery is unplanned (i.e., mother doesn’t make it to the hospital and gives birth somewhere other than a hospital) or when the mother has an infection of some sort after the birth. When I had E, the placenta was sent off to the lab because the OB thought it looked strange. It turns out that it was infected and so they put me on IV antibiotics for 48 hours. Every time I brought it up with my OB, she said it wasn’t a problem. I’ve always thought it was strange, so I’m going to bring it up again and see what the RE says.
2. Both E and R are O+ blood types; I’m A-. I’m still thinking that because of the infection and the delivery when I had E that our bloods mixed and I developed rH antibodies against R’s bloodtype. I’ve heard of it happening before, but again, when I bring it up, the OB said that the rH shot should take care of that. I’m not convinced that something didn’t happen to make this a problem.
3. A new treatment option: Viagra. Ok, laugh your little head off, but there’s been some very interesting research done in the past 10 years about women with IVF problems using Viagra to solve thin uterine lining issues. Read all about it here:
http://www.fertilitycommunity.com/fertility/viagra-for-infertility-treatment.html
http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/women/03/23/viagra.pregnancies/index.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=&id=315
So, there you have it. Just one more thing to stick where the sun don’t shine. And since I’m not sure if my RE will consider using it, I’m going to bug him about it until he either does use it or comes up with something as aggressive.
I dragged out the old fertility monitor last night in preparation for the fact that the RE may want us to sit out the month of December. HA! As if I’d let a little thing like infertility stop me in my baby-making plans. I figure that if the doctor won’t let us try with medical intervention, then we’ll have to resort to the old-fashioned way again. Maybe he’ll let us try ‘home relations’ with the Viagra this month, just to see if the lining improves. Maybe we’ll try another IUI with the Viagra. I’m guessing the possibilities are endless right now.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Picking up the pieces
I won't lie and say this has been easy to deal with. It's like a nightmare and every second that I'm awake, I think "God, it failed. I'm not pregnant." It's still such a raw, terrible, lonely feeling. And being with R's family for the holidays doesn't make it any easier. I hate being up here while I'm trying to deal with this. Every time I start to grieve, we have to go somewhere and see someone. It's not helping. We just dropped E off at R's parents house and as soon as I walked in, there were two tiny babies and one pregnant woman on the way over. R just looked at me and I couldn't say a thing. So he dropped me back off at the hotel and he went back over to his parent's house to stay with E. It just couldn't get more uncomfortable and awkward.
My mind keeps coming back to those two embryos that we transferred. It bothers me that they're still in there, dead. It's like I killed them. Like I wasn't strong enough to support them and they just didn't make it. I feel like I did everything right this time around and they still weren't able to survive. It breaks my heart to know that in someone else's body they might have been able to survive and become the children they were supposed to be. But not in my body. I feel like I'm poison. I feel like a complete failure.
I keep looking at E and thinking what if he's all I'm ever going to have? It isn't fair. It really isn't fair. Nothing about this is fair. I'm sick of hearing about people that take only a few months to get pregnant and they weep and cry about it. It's taken me two years, five IUI's and now one failed IVF and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart, a suffering marriage and 12 dead embryos.
R has always said he doesn't want to try in December because of the holiday, which I find incredibly selfish, but that's another story. He says he 'can't balance his family, our infertility and the holidays all at the same time'. Since the lab is closed anyways, I didn't argue. But it's the point that he 'can't balance it all' that pisses me off. Never mind that I balance taking two injections and three different pills during an IVF cycle, while also getting my blood taken, having daily ultrasounds, going through an egg retrieval and transfer. And HE can't balance it all. No wonder women are the ones to carry kids.
As always, I need something else to focus on, something to keep me going and so I've started thinking about what the RE should start testing for. I'm still convinced that something happened while I was carrying E and I'm starting to think that I've developed antibodies against R's bloodtype. Which would probably cause implantation problems. Since we can't try during December, I'm going to make sure they run every freaking test in the book to fix this problem. I'm sick of being a failure. I've got to beat this.
My mind keeps coming back to those two embryos that we transferred. It bothers me that they're still in there, dead. It's like I killed them. Like I wasn't strong enough to support them and they just didn't make it. I feel like I did everything right this time around and they still weren't able to survive. It breaks my heart to know that in someone else's body they might have been able to survive and become the children they were supposed to be. But not in my body. I feel like I'm poison. I feel like a complete failure.
I keep looking at E and thinking what if he's all I'm ever going to have? It isn't fair. It really isn't fair. Nothing about this is fair. I'm sick of hearing about people that take only a few months to get pregnant and they weep and cry about it. It's taken me two years, five IUI's and now one failed IVF and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart, a suffering marriage and 12 dead embryos.
R has always said he doesn't want to try in December because of the holiday, which I find incredibly selfish, but that's another story. He says he 'can't balance his family, our infertility and the holidays all at the same time'. Since the lab is closed anyways, I didn't argue. But it's the point that he 'can't balance it all' that pisses me off. Never mind that I balance taking two injections and three different pills during an IVF cycle, while also getting my blood taken, having daily ultrasounds, going through an egg retrieval and transfer. And HE can't balance it all. No wonder women are the ones to carry kids.
As always, I need something else to focus on, something to keep me going and so I've started thinking about what the RE should start testing for. I'm still convinced that something happened while I was carrying E and I'm starting to think that I've developed antibodies against R's bloodtype. Which would probably cause implantation problems. Since we can't try during December, I'm going to make sure they run every freaking test in the book to fix this problem. I'm sick of being a failure. I've got to beat this.
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