Moving forward.

This past week has been such a whirlwind, I don't even know where to begin.

I lost the baby. No, that's not true. I know where my baby is, but it's just not with me anymore. It's not lost. It was taken from me by some strange, cruel force that I couldn't stop. And so, the pregnancy ended. My baby is just gone. And now I'll have no new birthday to celebrate. No first cry to hear, praying for a healthy baby, hoping to see ten fingers, ten toes. None of it.

R and I met with the doctor on Wednesday and saw what was left of the pregnancy on the ultrasound. The doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable, but it was so strangely comforting to see that little, tiny, non-functioning sac. I don't know how to explain it, but it still made me happy to see it. I still felt so connected to it, even though I knew it wasn't really alive anymore. It was just proof-positive that I was actually pregnant. That after 23 months of trying to create a life, we did it, even if it was only for a few weeks or even days.

The whole appointment was such a bizarre experience. At first the doctor didn't even know why we were there. It wasn't until I told HIM that I was pregnant, but with low betas, that he understood why we were there in the first place. In the end, he was so embarrassed that his staff had dropped the ball that he gave us his personal cell phone number and told us to call at anytime over the next few days. A few things were still left up in the air, so because we were leaving right for R's grandmother's funeral the RE gave us a basic plan for the next few days. He was wary of letting me sit in a car for five hours, given my shoulder pain and incomplete diagnosis, so he actually hand-wrote a note to give to any doctor should I need medical attention during the time we were in NY. He was worried that the ultrasound may have missed something and that I would end up in the ER with a problem. Here's what he wrote, in near-perfect handwriting and on a yellow sticky-note with a perky little girl riding a scooter at the bottom. Very professional...:

(At the top he wrote my name and date of birth, neither of which I feel like divulging here...)
IVF pregnancy
Retrieval date 1/8/08
By above, 6w1d on 2/6/08
U/S on 2/6/08
- small collapsed sac in the uterus
- NO FF or adnexal mass
Betas
1/23/08 35 miu/ml
1/25/08 85 "
1/28/08 217 "
2/4/08 421 "

And then he signed it, on top of the perky scooter-girl.

So, there you have it. My chart laid out on one yellow-sticky note, complete with perky scooter girl. I did some searching on the "No FF or adnexal mass" line and found that FF means 'free fluid' and the adnexal mass means he couldn't find evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. They did have me run my fifth beta (I think I'm going for a record here) and when he called on Thursday afternoon he told me it was in the 300's. E was screaming in the background, so I didn't catch the exact number. But, I did catch that he was still concerned that it was so high, considering that the baby had already died. Then, late Thursday night I started bleeding. And it was official. At 6 weeks, 2 days my baby was leaving.

I called the doctor on Friday morning to give him the latest news and he was glad to hear that my body was taking care of this 'naturally'. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I didn't have to have yet another uncomfortable experience in the RE's office. It's still just so wrong, natural or otherwise. But, he said that it's possible that because my body is taking over, the beta levels could drop low by Monday and we'll be cleared for another cycle sooner than we thought. Another cycle.

God. Another cycle. I am so torn about another cycle. We'll be using our frozen embryos this time around, but I hate to say that I don't have much hope in these frozen ones. We've been having such a terrible time with embryo quality that I don't know if they'll survive the thawing process. The RE gave me some speech about how the lab insists on the best quality for the embryos they freeze and all that, but it bothers me that we've already lost 10 day five embryos the first cycle because of deterioration and then lost an additional two more day three embryos the second cycle.

There's nothing we can do to improve embryo quality, so that part of it is out of our hands. As the doctors have told us, it's a matter of odds at this point. We just have to keep moving forward and eventually, we'll get pregnant again. Eventually, the odds have to swing in our favor. It just might kill us in the process, that's all.

From the deepest place I grieve...

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass, let it go, let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe
I can let go of it

Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it

-- Peter Gabriel

How can you go lower than low?

We got a call last night from R's father that his maternal grandmother has died. She's been sick for quite a while, but R was close with her and it's been a second hard blow in just a few days. We have our doctor's appointment this afternoon at 1:30pm and we're still not sure what he's going to say either. It's just a mess right now. It's never the right time to have a miscarriage, but this just adds one more terrible layer to everything we're going through right now.

I won't even bother saying it couldn't get much worse because it could. I just pray that it doesn't.

That sound you hear is my heart breaking.

So, here I am, one day after getting our not-so-good-news. I'm still so depressed about all of this. R and I were able to get the appointment moved to tomorrow at 1:30pm which is probably for the best. I found out from the RE's scheduler that they will do an ultrasound tomorrow to see what is going on, but at this point I know that they won't find the babies there anymore. I'm still having the on and off pain in my shoulder that I've been having for a few weeks. That makes me even less hopeful, but there's nothing I can do about it at this point. I just pray it isn't an ectopic pregnancy. I pray that they can keep my body intact so that I might have some chance of ever getting pregnant again, even after this mess.

I find it hard to function. My eyes are so swollen that they hurt. And in the midst of all this, I have to find a way to stop thinking about the pregnancy symptoms I'm still having. My boobs are still sore, my belly is still bloated, I'm still pregnant. I never thought that word would cause me so much pain. It's painful to think that my babies are still in there, but just not growing normally. It kills me to think that they will never be 'real' children. I'll never get to hold them or see them. They were my children for two weeks. And soon they'll be gone.

Falling to pieces

The beta news is not good. The numbers only doubled to 421 as of this morning. That's a doubling time of over 7 days. Not good at all. At this point, they should still be doubling every two to three days and mine obviously aren't. There's no delicate way of saying it, but I'm going to lose the babies. With numbers this low and not even close to doubling, there isn't much hope that this pregnancy can be saved. The next step is for the RE is figure out if this is an ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. God, I hate both of those terms. They're so damn final. I'm worried it's an ectopic because of the shoulder pains I've been having on and off. If it is, then it's a bad situation made worse; if the baby has grown too big, they may have to take my tubes in order to prevent them from rupturing. Which would put me in the IVF boat pretty much forever.

I've spent the night crying and just generally feeling awful about my life. I can't believe this is how this is going to end. I guess I knew in my heart there was something not quite right about all of this. I was trying so hard to be hopeful and concentrate on being happy that I was pregnant again, but there was a small voice that kept making me hold back and apparently this is what it was.

R is trying to look at the bright side, which is his nature. He keeps saying that we were the closest we've ever been before but that's no consolation to me right now. He's trying, but it hurts to think of what we could have had if only my body was not completely screwed up.

The hardest part is thinking that as of right now, I'm still pregnant. And that the doctors have to find a way for my babies to leave my body. I am just falling to pieces. I thought that my heart couldn't break any more than it has with IVF and here I am, falling into a million pieces.

Beta, take four

Here it is, Beta number four. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a week now and just like before, I’m already a nervous wreck. I’d really like to see the numbers in the 4,000 range, but I know that 2,500 would be norm. R thinks that they’ll be in the 30,000 range. I’m not sure what he’s smoking, but if it’s that high, I’ll do a back-flip right here in my office.

I’m finally off the antibiotics. It’s nice to be reduced to only two medications a day again, the Estrace and Prometrium suppositories. Part of me can’t wait to get off those last two as well, but I won’t say that because you only go off them this early for one reason: when the pregnancy is going to fail. So, right now I’ll happily stay on them. No complaints here.

Speaking of pregnancy, I really hope I’m not jNaerumping the gun here, but I can honestly say that I’m already starting to show. Holy COW. It’s just so early! By the end of the day my pants are a wee-bit too tight and I can’t wait to get home to change into my stretchy yoga pants again.

I really hope that somehow I’m able to memorize this pregnancy more than I was able to with E. It’s amazing how fast you forget how it feels to have that little one poking around in there. I enjoyed every minute when I was pregnant with E, but it still slips the mind so fast. This time around, I’m taking more pictures of myself big and pregnant. I thought I took enough the first time around and when I was going through IVF it was so nice to look at them and remember that I actually DID get pregnant before. This time I want to make it last as long as possible. Goodness knows if I’ll get to do this a third time.

Afterglow.

I'm still basking in the glow of that lovely, lovely positive test. It was such a gamble to take that darned thing. I ran the risk of those damned lines being light again and considering how terrible I felt yesterday, I wasn't sure I could stand the sight of light lines. But there they were. Nice and dark. It's amazing how that can lift your spirits.

I think I'm actually starting to feel better, although that may be just my warped, hopeful imagination. I still have the pain in my jaw and my cheekbone, but I don't feel nearly as run-down as I did yesterday. Then again, give me a few hours and I might be singing a different tune.

The lingering doubts about my low numbers and the fear about what I'll see on 2/14 are still there, but I'm doing my very best to ignore and block them out. I know I keep harping on it, but it's just so scary to think that I might be building myself up just for a terrible let down. Every day that goes by is one more day that I'm getting attached to the little one poking around in there and that sort of bugs me. I want to stay strong and not let it bother me, but it creeps into my mind at wierd times. Like this morning, I was standing in our staff lunch room thumbing through a store flyer when I came across an ad for some cheapie baby bed linens. It suddenly hit me that I'm going to have to buy that stuff again. It's been five YEARS since I've had to think about bed linens, but I'm going to have to eventually. I'm going to do it all over again. Finally.

I think I'm still just holding back until I see something encouraging on that ultrasound. In fact, I know I'm holding back. Then again, after all the crap I've had to go through to get to this point, who can really blame me? Part of me wants to just jump right in with both feet, but there's some part of me that's not letting me. I really, really hope that's just a protective mechanism and not some terrible forecast...

I can, however, say that any pregnancy symptoms I've been having are so much lighter than what I had with E. I remember my breasts being really tender and sore early on and so far I haven't really had that. They've definitely started to get bigger (one lovely perk of pregnancy!), but they aren't as sore as I thought they would be. I also remember getting sick with E right at 6 weeks pregnant. It was the only time I threw up so I remember it vividly and so far, other than a few near-gagging sessions, nothing in that area. Perhaps it's all another side-effect of the lower numbers?

I broke my own rules.

I needed a pick-me-up.



And I am basking in the afterglow of two lines. Boy, I never thought one little pregnancy test could cheer me up so very much.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant... repeat after me.

After reading J and A's comments about the antibiotics I decided to just call my doctor and get an appointment to see her. I've been on the eyrthromycin for four days and I still have a ton of pain in my jaw and cheekbones so it's time to get this thing gone.

As of today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant. It's nice to think that I get some pregnancy-credit for the two weeks of hell I went through after the retrieval. My due date is September 30 if this is a singleton and September 9 if both embryos are in there. Right now I'm feeling like there's only one baby, but you just never know. Truth be told, I don't really even feel pregnant, so for all I know it could be twins. I walk around my office now repeating "I'm pregnant. Pregnant." It's hard to get used to the idea! But I'm excited about it. So excited that I don't even know where to start. I'm also really apprehensive too. I'm nervous about what they'll find on the ultrasound, especially since my numbers started out so low. I'm sure we'll get some better answers when I have my last beta next week, which will be 5 weeks, 6 days. When I had my beta run with E at six weeks it was in the 56,000 range, so I have no idea what to expect next week.

There's a really great website that calculates all of my relevant dates including due date, the date of 'cardiac contractions' (aka the heartbeat) and a whole bunch of other stuff. Here's the site: http://ivf.ca/calcu.htm Enter January 8, 2008 and select 'Retrieval/Ovulation' and all the dates will come up. According to the chart, this little one should have a heartbeat by Friday and the ultrasound should be able to pick up a heartbeat by February 12, 2008. Gosh, I hope that isn't cutting it too close... It would freak me out if I didn't get to see that heartbeat on Valentine's Day.

I completely depressed myself this morning by reading some posts on an IVF group that I belong to. A few of the people had posted their beta numbers and every one else's numbers are so much higher. I'm talking in the thousands at this point. And here I am at a measly little 217. Then I had to read further, which was just a bad idea. A few of the posters had low numbers and ended up not seeing anything on the first ultrasound. Both of them were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and told to take medications to induce a miscarriage. Now I'm totally freaked about my low numbers. I just feel like I can't get attached until I see something on that ultrasound.

I don't even know how to feel right now. I go from being so scared and wanting to cry to feeling hopeful and trying to just concentrate on being pregnant. But what if I'm not? What if this isn't viable? It's so depressing to think about right now. I'm still feeling so run down and this isn't doing good things for my mood. I just want to go home and crawl into bed and cry right now. I'm so scared this isn't going to work out.

Betas, betas and more betas...

The numbers are in for today: 217! The doubling time was 2.21 days, which is less than the actual 3 days in-between tests, so we're still on track! So, I finally get a full week off of beta-tests and I have another one on Monday, February 2. After that, as long as the numbers are going up, I'll have my first ultrasound on, get this one: Valentine's Day. Oh dear God. This could change my view of Valentine's Day forever.

I also asked the nurse, just in case, about the antibiotics and she said that there should be no problems with me taking them. At least that's one more thing off my mind.

Grow, baby, GROW!!!

Let’s get to the upswing already.

I spent the entire day yesterday in bed nursing my poor infected little body. I cannot even tell you the last time I felt this sick. My jaw was so swollen I could only eat soup all day. R ended up having to postpone his trip to NY because I just couldn’t function as a person, never mind a mother. Poor E just kept telling me “It’ll be alright, Momma. You caught my cold” whenever he saw me. He also kept saying “Who can play with me?”, which completely broke my heart. I’ve been sick or incapacitated for this entire month and I’m so tired of saying “Mommy’s not feeling well, E.” I’m praying that once these antibiotics do their magic I’ll be feeling better. In the meantime, I’m worried about getting a yeast infection, which happens to me when I take antibiotics. God, wouldn’t that just be a kicker? And never mind the threat of at YI, they’ve already wrecked havoc with my stomach. I pretty much feel queasy and nauseous most of the day now and I’m not really sure if it’s pregnancy related or antibiotic related. I can’t wait to get off these damn pills. I long for the day when I don’t have to take ANY medications anymore and I can just rely on my own body again!

I went this morning for beta number three and am patiently waiting for yet another phone call from the nurse. I have no idea what she’s going to say, but I’m hoping the numbers are at least in the 200’s. I still don’t have any spotting or bleeding and only little cramps here and there.

I had a little realization the other night while I was lying in bed trying to recuperate. While I agree that my beta numbers are on the low side, they doubled which is what is important right now. More than that, how high do they expect them to go when they start off at only 35? I think a jump from 35 to 85 is probably right about normal, wouldn’t you? So, like the nurse and I agreed, taking it one day at a time is probably the best idea right now.

Grow, baby, grow.

It's official: I have the nastiest sinus infection in town. Oh dear GOD. My face hurts so much that I can't even open my mouth without wincing. I finally broke down and called the RE to make sure it was alright to take antibiotics right now and then I hauled my behind off to an urgent care center this morning. The doctor there wanted to take x-rays of my sinuses but once I told him I was pregnant, he nixed that idea. He prescribed erthromycin (I'm allergic to penicillin) and sent me on my way. In the meantime, I've been trying to rest and drink plenty of water. And praying and praying for the little one to grow stronger. I feel so nervous about taking the antibiotics right now, but I think that having so much infection running through my body probably isn't the best thing either. On top of the sinus infection, I have about four lovely cold sores on my upper lip, so I know that my body is just FREAKING out right now between trying to heal and trying to stay pregnant. Needless to say, I actually did get to bed at 8:00pm last night. As soon as R put E down I crawled into bed and listened to my iPod for about 20 minutes before dozing off. I slept restlessly, but at least I rested as much as possible.

This whole week has just been such a rollercoaster, it's no wonder my poor body is freaking out. R is leaving for NY tomorrow, so I'll be on my own with E. Hopefully these antibiotics kick in soon... otherwise it's going to be one LONG Sunday.

Resume the holding pattern.

The nurse just called to give me the news: the beta went up to 85. As of right now, the doubling time is 37.5 hours, which is less than the 48 hour mark, so that's good, but the RE is still not happy seeing the number so low. He wants me to re-test on Monday to check the levels again. I asked the nurse why the heck I still got a negative this morning with a HPT when the levels were above what the test says it picks up and she said "I don't know why. But I can tell you that I have two kids at home that are the results of negative HPTs, so I don't put much stock into those tests."

What a rollercoaster this has been. So, we're back in the holding pattern. And I am swearing off HPTs forever. Well, until we TTC #3 that is...

I went to the chiropractor today to get adjusted and I haven't told him what's been going on yet. He knows about the infertility treatments and the transfer, but I haven't told him about the betas yet. He adjusted me and told me to get to bed early tonight to try to boost my immune system. I'm wondering if my body is having a hard time boosting up the hCG because of my cold and on-coming sinus infection. I wouldn't be surprised if my body is just completely freaking out right now and trying to make a baby is the last thing it wants to do right now. So, I will be going to bed at 8:00pm with a cup of warm tea and a heating pad for my face.

Keep up those 'doubling' prayers... I'm going to need them for Monday.

Beta-replay Day.

It seems like my hope is flying out the window. I took another HPT this morning, just to torture myself, and it was basically negative. I used a Dollar Store test, which I've always had pretty good luck with, and there was a faint, faint line. It was even lighter than the test I took on Monday, which doesn't make me very hopeful. At this point, if I really was pregnant, the line would be much darker and would definitely not be getting lighter. Plus, if my beta has doubled like it was supposed to, the hCG in my urine would be at least 70 or above; these tests are supposed to pick up anything above 25 which would mean that my levels have either gone down or stayed the same. Basically, they probably haven't doubled. Which will mean I'm probably going to miscarry. I still haven't gotten my period nor have I started spotting, so I'm just biding my time until the RE's office calls to give me the bad news. I already rescheduled my consult with the RE for January 31, so I'm sure we'll talk about what the next step is at that meeting.

I slept terrible last night too, which is always bad. I had a terrible sinus headache from all the pressure in my left ear and the pain was so bad that it woke me up at 1:00am and I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours. Then I kept dreaming about HPTs. It just wasn't a good night.

I'm feeling pretty numb right now. There's not much I can do about anything so I'm just trying to keep busy and keep my mind off it. I just feel like we were so close this time. God, I hope that I didn't cause this by stopping my meds. I guess the good part is that I got to be pregnant again, even if it was only for two days.

In Beta-limbo...

Ahhh... the glow of a post-beta phone call is always so lovely. Even if it comes with an asterisk. I'm still nervous about tomorrow's test, but for now I'm just reveling in the fact that, for now, I’m pregnant. And the fact that it was medically confirmed is even more pleasing.

R, on the other hand, is completely freaking out that I’ve told anyone the good news. He thinks that we shouldn’t tell anybody until we have confirmation and then even after that, he thinks we should wait for a few months. While I agree to a certain extent, it’s not that easy in our situation. Certain people already know that we’re undergoing IVF treatments and therefore, they knew when the blood test was scheduled for. So when those people called to ask “Did you get the results?” I wasn’t going to lie to them. R wasn’t happy about that. He said I should just say “I don’t know yet.” So, we got into an argument about it. Yes, an actual argument. Not exactly what I needed right now. But then again, as he explained later, he’s feeling particularly sensitive about it right now. Me, I’m just happy to have some good news. Finally. And that’s what I’m concentrating on right now. Because even if this baby doesn’t have the strength to hang on, something actually happened this cycle. Something actually implanted, even if it was for a brief time. And that’s a HUGE improvement over the last cycle. That, above anything else in this world, gives me hope. Real hope.

So, today I’m existing in Beta-limbo. I’m really hopeful about it, but I also have my eyes wide open. I know the dangers that lie ahead. I’m not blind but I’m hopeful. Actually, I’m overjoyed that something finally happened. Now I just have to pray that this baby (or babies) have the strength to hold on.

Hold on little one. Hold on.

There's that intuition again...

The numbers are in: PREGNANT*!!!

And, of course, there's an asterisk to the results. The beta was a little lower than they would like to see it: the hCG levels were only 35. They normally should be around 50 right now, so I have to go back on Friday to see if the numbers are doubling like they should. But for now, I'm officially pregnant. Holy cow. Holy, holy cow. It might have worked!!!

I asked the nurse what the low numbers could mean and she said that it could be a variety of things: slow implantation; slow rising levels; the embryos could have implanted and then failed, which would mean a miscarriage; or it just could be a fluke and there will be no explanation at all. As long as they double on Friday, we should be in the clear. She also asked me if I was still taking my estrogen and progesterone and I lied and said yes. I knew there was a reason I was feeling so guilty that I stopped them. I'm a little nervous about having stopped them, but as soon as I got home I started the meds again and believe me, I'll stay on them religiously now. I know that it takes a few days for all the meds to leave your body, so I'm not too freaked out. Plus, the meds are really so that my lining will stay plump and stay put, and since I'm not spotting or bleeding I'm thinking that I'll be alright. When the nurse and I were discussing the low numbers she asked me if I was spotting or bleeding and when I told her no she said that was a pretty good sign.

So, right now every day is baby steps. Literally. Your prayers worked for this cycle; please pray for a doubling beta for Friday!

Holy cow. I'm actually pregnant. Holy cow.

Beta Day.

Well, I went for the beta this morning and am now waiting on pins and needles for them to call. The office usually calls between 1:00pm and 4:00pm so I'm just waiting patiently. Or not so patiently.

Still no period and not even a hint of spotting. My friend JT agrees with the general consensus that 'a line is a line', especially since it was an FRE test. She had the same thing happen with her son; she even took a HPT at the doctor's office that was negative. But yet, her son was born October 2006. But then again, she didn't do IVF and didn't have a million and one synthetic hormones racing through her system to throw things off.

My palms are sweating. I have butterflies in my stomach and I'm trying my hardest to remain calm. Oh God, oh God, oh God...

11 days post 3-day transfer and Beta-Eve

So, still no period. I stopped taking all my IVF meds on Monday afternoon and I'm still leaking blue so I know it's going to take a few extra days for my period to show. Which is a pisser in itself. But besides that, I can't stop being anxious about my test tomorrow. I've already seen the BFN at this point, so it won't be a big surprise when the nurse says the standard "I'm sorry to have to tell you this" but I still harbor some hope, some faint evap line of hope that one of the little ones held on and is fighting for dear life. Perhaps that's why I feel guilty that I stopped the meds.

I was strong and held out on taking that last HPT this morning. Don't think that I didn't think about it. In fact, I'm thinking about it now. But I won't. It's not worth it to go to bed seeing another failure. At this point I'd rather wait for a definite yes-or-no answer.

And my boobs are itching. Ugh. Hope sucks.

And the results are...

Inconclusive. Come on. Are you really surprised? I woke up at 7:00am and took a test and at first I thought it was definitely negative. But then the faintest second line appeared and now I'm just plain pissed off. I am 99% certain that it's an evaporation line, but this is just plain cruel. Cruel beyond belief. I showed the test to R an hour later or so and he agreed that there's a faint second line, but he doesn't know what the heck an evap line would look like. So now I'm in the waiting game again until Wednesday. I promised myself I wouldn't test again until Wednesday, when my beta was scheduled, so I'm sticking to that promise.

Goddamned evap lines.

9 days post 3-day transfer and the eve of yet another HPT...

Well, here I am. On the eve of yet another highly anticipated HPT. My prediction? It will be negative. I just feel it. I haven't really thought about how it'll feel to see yet another BFN, so I'm trying to just block it out. At this point, I know I'll be pretty devastated, but I'm becoming so used to the hurt that it's almost comical right now. Last night I lay in bed thinking "Why? Why does this keep happening to me?" and for the life of me, I can't figure any of it out anymore. Not that I ever could. There's no reason for all of this to happen, but it is. There's just something very, very wrong about it. But yet, I still know that it will negative and right now, there's nothing I can do about it. It pains me to think that two more of my babies-to-be didn't make it. I'm pretty sure that next month we'll attempt to thaw the three embryos and try a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) cycle, but after that I'm not sure what we'll do.

Ok, I know you're thinking that I'm being overly pessimistic, but my intuition hasn't failed me yet and I'm fairly certain that it won't fail me again this time. Just not feeling it. Of course, we can just look at the plain facts: my boobs aren't sore anymore, the bloating has pretty much gone away and I've lost six pounds in the past two weeks. On the 'pro-pregnancy' side, I could say that my skin is still clear, I'm not feeling as moody and I've lost the weight because I've been sick as a dog, but those things are out-weighed by the other three now-missing symptoms.

Man, I wish it didn't have to be like this. For the first time in my life, I would really, really be happy if I could just be pregnant one more time. In my heart I have always wanted three kids, but after all this torture and heartache, I would be completely satisfied if I could get pregnant just once more. Just once more.