This is supposed to help, right?

So I'm repeating positive thoughts in my head, over and over, in preparation for the coming INFERTILITY month of treatments. Honestly, I don't even know what direction to head anymore. I'm trying to think happy, warm, pregnant thoughts but most of the time I'm so pissed and bitter about being INFERTILE that positive thoughts are hard to come by. Still, people keep telling me to find a way to stress less. As if less stress will make me more fertile. You have to calm down, you have to de-stress. I understand that. I understand the problems stress creates but there's no way to tell an INFERTILE woman to calm down and stress less about being unable to bear a child. But I'm trying. I'm trying to destress. Honestly I am.

Being done with school in only two weeks will certainly help, I'm sure. In the meantime, I just have to keep this little head above water.

Along those lines, I'm going to see if I can find an acupuncturist to treat my headaches and my infertility. Should be an interesting venture. At this point, I'll do anything to help.

R took E to NY. I know, I know, I've mentioned it a few times before. But not having him here is just strange. I came home after class yesterday and was keenly aware that he wasn't in the house. Yes, it was quiet, but that wasn't it. It felt lonely without him here. It made me question how in the world any mother could abandon her child. He's been in my mind for the past two days and he was only gone overnight. How can a mother walk away from her kids and not go insane? Better yet, how could MY mother walk away for six years and not contact us at all? And then just show up expecting us to know her, to love her? The more years that go by that I'm a mother I find it harder and harder to understand what her motivations were. I just don't understand it.

It's hot today. Hot, hot, wonderfully hot. I think it's supposed to hit 90 today. JOY! It's days like this that I will miss here in New England. Whenever we move, where ever we end up, these are the days that I will remember. Blue skies, hot weather, green trees, a light breeze. It's really finally summer.