I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on remaining positive and upbeat about the possibilities right now, but I'm finding it really, really hard. I'm just in the foulest mood and it's not good. I'm sure it's probably all the stinking hormones I'm on right now combined with the fact that I am bloated beyond all recognition, but this is just awful. And before you start thinking that the bloating is a good sign, let me remind you that in addition to the dry mouth, sore breasts, worry, and bad skin, bloating is one of the expected side effects of the progesterone I'm taking (vaginally!) three times a day. Life is just a ball of fun for me these days.
The last few days before taking a test are always the worst, but add to that the fact that my SIL is in town with her new four-month-old and you have a recipe for one moody, moody gal. I'm just not in the mood to hear "oh, isn't he the cutest?" and "Oh, look E, here's your new cousin!" and "Look what he can do now!" I'm just not in the mood. And I can't even talk to R about it because, according to him, I should be happy to meet my new nephew for the first time. It's enough to make me want to cry right now. Thank GOD they are only here until tomorrow morning.
E has been trying his hardest at potty training these days. He's actually getting to the point where he can tell us when he needs to poop about 50% of the time, which is a big feat for him. He's dry probably 90% of the time, except after naps and during the night. But at least he's moving in the right direction. The only problem is that his preschool wants to start transitioning him into Pre-K in the next few months. Except that he needs to be potty-trained before advancing. So now the pressure is on. I knew it would come, but at least it's at a time of year when I have more days off so I can concentrate on it. Small favors and all...
So, as usual, I spend most of the time I'm awake analyzing every twitch, pain, or cramp and wondering if it's a 'sign'. I also spend quite a bit of time trying to visualize what the heck might be happening within my uterus these days. I keep trying to listen for that voice that says "You're pregnant!", but it's not coming. And that's what's worrying me. There, I said it. I'm just not feeling it these days. I thought I would be overjoyed knowing that those embryos are back with me, but I'm just not feeling like I thought I would: pregnant. Nothing. Zip. And it's freaking me out. I feel like I can't say it out loud because everyone will chastize me for being too negative and if I start hearing that, I'll not only lose it, but I'll start to worry that I'm the reason it's not working. Like my mind poisoned my body somehow. I know the mind is a powerful thing, but I have to believe that it's not THAT powerful, because if it was why didn't it work the other way? If it's that powerful, why haven't the past two years of wishing and wishing to be pregnant made me pregnant?
I feel alone in a way that I can't even explain. I want to feel something. I need to feel something. Anything, any sign. Something.
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2 comments:
Just sending you lots of hugs! I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling about everything right now, but I'm reading along and rooting for you (and the babies too!). I think it's awesome how open you are on here -- I think that's very healthy and helpful. It's OK to have those doubts, but I know there is still a part of you that has hope, and that's all that you need right now.
I know what you are feeling about your nephew. It's hard, really hard. But hey, again, that's why it's good you write it down here.
E is doing great! I think you are certainly right that he's headed in the right direction. He'll be there in time for the pre-K transition. I think you'll be amazed what a few months can do in the potty training department. We're still working on knowing when the poop is coming for Maddie too, but she's so much better than even August.
And about the signs . . . I know what you're saying . . .but really, you can read into everything and go back and forth -- am I pregnant? am I not? -- it'll drive you mad. Don't worry about that flip-flopping. It doesn't mean anything until you take that test and find out the true result. Don't feel down if you don't FEEL pregnant. You still have an awesome chance that you ARE pregnant. And remember, you ARE pregnant until proven otherwise.
Grow, babies, grow!! :)
I think it's totally understandable to feel the way you do. Even when you try to be positive, there's always that little voice that's going off of past experience rather than hope of the future. I wish there was a magic way to make it go away, but other than prayer, you just have to wait it out. Ugh, it sucks.
Such a bummer about the other blasts, but let's hope that you won't even have to worry about them b/c you're pg with twins right now! How's that for a thought? Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way Heather. And I'm envisioning your BFP right now.
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