I chickened out this morning. I fully admit it. I just couldn't test. I was about three seconds from opening that pregnancy test but I just couldn't do it. I'm really, really scared that this cycle didn't work and I wasn't mentally prepared to see another negative test. So I skipped it. I figure that my fate is pretty much sealed at this point anyway, so why not just wait until tomorrow. It isn't like I could do anything to change it.
So, I'm saying it right here and now, I'm thinking the test is going to be negative. Not only am I not 'feeling' pregnant, but the bloating is going away, my skin is a complete and utter mess, my boobs aren't the least bit sore and I'm still a moody freak. Add all those together and I'm thinking NOT PREGNANT, since those are ALL symptoms that usually happen right before I get my period. All of them, just like clockwork. Ugh. The only thing that I can honestly count in the 'Hmmmm... It's a possibility' column is the fact that if I don't eat every four hours I start to feel nauseous, which is something that happened pretty early on when I was pregnant with E. But that's the only symptom and it could also be nerves. As much as I try to talk myself out of feeling so negative, the fact remains that for the past 20-plus months my intuition has been pretty much close to the mark every time. Listening to that intuition this time around means admitting that my inner-voice is saying “Sorry, not this time around”. I keep repeating “60% success… 60%...” to myself to try to bolster what little hope I have, but it’s not really working anymore.
What am I going to do? It will be so devastating if this didn't work. The worst part is that we won't even have the possibility of trying again until after 2008 because the IVF lab closes for the month of December for maintenance and cleaning. So, no more chances for at least five weeks. Oh god, that makes me just want to cry. Five more weeks of infertility hell.
What in the world am I going to do? Why does this have to be so damn hard?
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2 comments:
But what if your intuition is just wrong this time? I mean, you've been through hell during the last 20+ months, perhaps you are just trying to protect yourself (and your heart). Hang on to the knowledge that you have a 60 percent chance this month. A 60 percent chance that those babies in your belly are growing and growing. Those are pretty damn good chances!
And really, that symptom of being nauseated . . .a pretty damn fine symptom.
Now how does this work in terms of dates? How many "dpo" would this count as?
Praying very hard that you see a beautiful positive test in the morning. Your babies are fighting hard for you, H!
I'll be praying hard for you!!
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