Paralyzed

It's been a while since I've posted. The past few weeks have been some of the worst times of my life. After all that joy of finally getting pregnant, the pain of having a loss has been worse than I thought possible. I feel paralyzed by pain and I can't snap out of it. I know this is the normal part of grieving but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I got to see my baby when they finally had to remove it from my body by force. Even though it was dead and gone, I still felt so happy to see it. I was glad to see that something was really growing in there, something had been fighting to survive and just couldn't muster the strength to stay with me on this earth. It breaks my heart to think that my body wasn't strong enough to help it along.

I feel broken. More than just infertile-broken. It goes deeper than that. I feel like I want to run away and crawl into a hole. Nothing feels right. I spend my days feeling numb and angry and hurt. I wish I knew what I had done to deserve all of this. It feels like a punishment and I don't know the crime. I hate the bitterness most of all. I think thoughts that are rotten and mean, but the pain that I'm feeling won't go away and that bitterness is the only thing that keeps on coming. R doesn't even know what to say to me anymore and so he ignores it and keeps going on with his day.

As if all of this pain and suffering weren't enough, I've been put on hold by the RE. I think, no, I know that's what's making me feel worse. I can't sit still like this without practically collapsing in grief. The only way I can ignore how I've been feeling for the past 25 months of trying to conceive is to keep moving toward that elusive goal of bringing another baby into this world. Once I stop that forward movement, I die inside. The burden is too great. And now I'm at the mercy of my unreliable body once again. I have no faith in my body anymore and I'm at it's mercy.

I wish I could embrace this break and relax. I wish I could find a way to heal that will help me move on. I just don't know how anymore. It's too raw. Images of fertility, pregnancy, babies and all the things I can't have are constantly around me and the second I think I've gotten skin that's thick enough, it finds a way to ambush me and tear my wall down again. I don't know how to heal except to succeed. And that's feeling further and further away.