IVF #4 / FET #2 ... how did I get HERE?

I can’t even recall how I got here: IVF #4, FET #2. It’s like having Infertility-Alzheimer’s.

After a weekend of deep-thought and very little discussion between me and R, I decided to go with option number 3: injections. I figured it was time to call out the big guns and quit the screwing around with indecision. I’ve done injections before and since we’d treat an out-of-phase lining with injections anyway, I figured let’s go for the gold. So, on Monday morning I called the RE’s office to tell him that I had started my period on Sunday afternoon and waited for the return call. The nurse called a few hours later to let me know that the biopsy results hadn’t come in yet, so they would call back on Tuesday morning. On Tuesday, the RE calls me himself to say that he has good news and bad news. The good news? My instincts were right on. The bad news? My lining won’t sustain a pregnancy. Just fantastic, really. Just knowing that it was probably my body and not a genetic abnormality that made me lose the baby in February was enough to make me want to die. After all of this, my lining is probably the problem. Let’s see, how long have I been griping about my thin lining problem? (A quick scan of past posts reveals that the first time I mentioned a thin lining was on Monday, June 25 after my one cancelled and two completed IUI cycles.) I’m furious at myself for not requesting the biopsy a year ago. I’m frustrated that it took this long to get to where we are, only to have to worry about the same problem that I’ve been worrying about since the beginning. I’m upset because my body probably caused that baby to be miscarried, not ‘nature’.

So, after a brief discussion with the RE, we agreed that the injections are the best course of action. I asked the RE what he would prefer to do and he answered “the natural cycle”, but I’m just not up for that. We did too many unsuccessful natural cycles to be able to say it’s worth it right now. I need some results. I need some hope again. Trying a new treatment is the only way I’ll get that hope back. I need to see my body respond to SOMETHING.

And, right on time, while I’m spinning deeper and deeper into my own personal despair, R calls to tell me that his sister had her baby. Healthy and everything. It takes all my strength to not burst into tears right now. There are so many reasons why that news is just painful, but I think above all it’s because I feel as though he doesn’t even care to tell his family how hurt I am right now. He doesn’t bother to take the time to explain what life if like for us right now and so they end up thinking I’m the cold, distant, terrible daughter-in-law. They make a million and one excuses as to why I should have felt bad for R’s sister when she was trying but because I already have a child, I shouldn’t feel anything now that I’m infertile. God, life is a terrible, slow, evil torture lately.

I’m feeling so angry and annoyed these days. I’m so tired of people not realizing what they have, how freaking LUCKY they are to have the life that they do. I’m tired of people complaining about their good luck, about how awful it is to be pregnant. I’m tired of seeing people get what they want at the drop of a hat, or making a big deal of their little tiny two or three month struggle, and not even care how life goes on for people like me, suffering and struggling just to create another life. It's has been 25 months for me. I’m tired of the utter un-fairness of all of this. I deserve to be a mother again. I deserve it. And I may never have it.