Another month of failure.

It was a rough, rough night. I caved and took a test last night. It was obviously negative. No question about it. It was so difficult to see that test. I don’t even know why I bother tormenting myself like this. I was able to hold it together enough so that I could get some homework done but once I sat in bed I just burst into tears. Poor R had no idea what to say to comfort me. I just don’t think that there is anything to say at this point. It’s such a hard thing to deal with. He keeps telling me not to give up, but it’s hard to think about forging ahead when we’ve gone through 16 months of disappointment. 16 months. I can’t even believe that I am writing that. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I’ve deprived my husband and son of a complete family. I feel empty and incomplete. I feel like this is never, ever going to succeed.

I took another test this morning, just to get rid of the last one in the house and, you got it, still negative.

I’m going to call the RE tomorrow afternoon to set up an appointment so that we can map out what the next step is going to be. I have no idea what he’s going to suggest, but R and I both agree that we want to get more aggressive right now. This whole process is just killing me so it’s time to step it up and figure out what we can do to get pregnant.

I still stop thinking “Why?” Why is this happening now? Why is this happening to me? It breaks my heart to think that E may never have a sibling. This whole mess just breaks my heart.