It was a hard day for me today. I've been completely obsessing about every little twitch, cramp, pain and any other weird 'sign' that my body is giving me. I actually thought this might be the month, but I just had that awful, empty failure feeling on the way home tonight. E fell asleep in the car on the way home from school and I just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I think I cried half of the way home. When we got home, I carried him upstairs and put him on my bed and just laid there next to him, listening to him sleep. As soon as R got home, I started crying all over again. I just felt so empty and alone. All of this has been so hard on me. I try so hard to make sense of things in my life and this just doesn't make sense. And everywhere I look, there are pregnant women. EVERYWHERE. E had an event at his school last week and I swear every other woman there was huge and pregnant. It takes every ounce of my being not to burst into tears right then and there. I wonder if these women understand what it's like to be on the outside, looking in. Do they know how lucky they really are? One of E's classmate's mother is having twins. I want to throw up every time I see her.
I'm starting to move beyond just plain anger these days. Now I'm just mourning over what is becoming an impossibility. I feel like I don't even have the time to mourn properly and that's what I really need to do: mourn my little heart out. I need to just get to the point where one child is going to have to be good enough and if it happens, then so be it. I'm getting there. I'm starting to feel like that, but I need a few days to cry my heart out, to scream and cry and just be sorrowful. Maybe if I get it all out I can move on with my life. I really, really feel like I just need to move on. This has taken all the spirit out of me. I can't find anything to laugh at, I am constantly depressed and worried about it and my marriage isn't fun anymore. I hate what infertility does to a person. It strips you of everything. It leaves you broken and feeling like less of a person.
This month marks 16 months that we've been trying. 16 months of ups and downs. I just don't know how much more my heart can take.
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