Goddamn intuition...

Another negative test. I'm not surprised but it's still shocking to see. I was hoping that my intuition was wrong, but somehow I knew it was going to end this way.

I don't even know where to start...

T-minus one day...

I chickened out this morning. I fully admit it. I just couldn't test. I was about three seconds from opening that pregnancy test but I just couldn't do it. I'm really, really scared that this cycle didn't work and I wasn't mentally prepared to see another negative test. So I skipped it. I figure that my fate is pretty much sealed at this point anyway, so why not just wait until tomorrow. It isn't like I could do anything to change it.

So, I'm saying it right here and now, I'm thinking the test is going to be negative. Not only am I not 'feeling' pregnant, but the bloating is going away, my skin is a complete and utter mess, my boobs aren't the least bit sore and I'm still a moody freak. Add all those together and I'm thinking NOT PREGNANT, since those are ALL symptoms that usually happen right before I get my period. All of them, just like clockwork. Ugh. The only thing that I can honestly count in the 'Hmmmm... It's a possibility' column is the fact that if I don't eat every four hours I start to feel nauseous, which is something that happened pretty early on when I was pregnant with E. But that's the only symptom and it could also be nerves. As much as I try to talk myself out of feeling so negative, the fact remains that for the past 20-plus months my intuition has been pretty much close to the mark every time. Listening to that intuition this time around means admitting that my inner-voice is saying “Sorry, not this time around”. I keep repeating “60% success… 60%...” to myself to try to bolster what little hope I have, but it’s not really working anymore.

What am I going to do? It will be so devastating if this didn't work. The worst part is that we won't even have the possibility of trying again until after 2008 because the IVF lab closes for the month of December for maintenance and cleaning. So, no more chances for at least five weeks. Oh god, that makes me just want to cry. Five more weeks of infertility hell.

What in the world am I going to do? Why does this have to be so damn hard?

Moody, moody gal.

I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on remaining positive and upbeat about the possibilities right now, but I'm finding it really, really hard. I'm just in the foulest mood and it's not good. I'm sure it's probably all the stinking hormones I'm on right now combined with the fact that I am bloated beyond all recognition, but this is just awful. And before you start thinking that the bloating is a good sign, let me remind you that in addition to the dry mouth, sore breasts, worry, and bad skin, bloating is one of the expected side effects of the progesterone I'm taking (vaginally!) three times a day. Life is just a ball of fun for me these days.

The last few days before taking a test are always the worst, but add to that the fact that my SIL is in town with her new four-month-old and you have a recipe for one moody, moody gal. I'm just not in the mood to hear "oh, isn't he the cutest?" and "Oh, look E, here's your new cousin!" and "Look what he can do now!" I'm just not in the mood. And I can't even talk to R about it because, according to him, I should be happy to meet my new nephew for the first time. It's enough to make me want to cry right now. Thank GOD they are only here until tomorrow morning.

E has been trying his hardest at potty training these days. He's actually getting to the point where he can tell us when he needs to poop about 50% of the time, which is a big feat for him. He's dry probably 90% of the time, except after naps and during the night. But at least he's moving in the right direction. The only problem is that his preschool wants to start transitioning him into Pre-K in the next few months. Except that he needs to be potty-trained before advancing. So now the pressure is on. I knew it would come, but at least it's at a time of year when I have more days off so I can concentrate on it. Small favors and all...

So, as usual, I spend most of the time I'm awake analyzing every twitch, pain, or cramp and wondering if it's a 'sign'. I also spend quite a bit of time trying to visualize what the heck might be happening within my uterus these days. I keep trying to listen for that voice that says "You're pregnant!", but it's not coming. And that's what's worrying me. There, I said it. I'm just not feeling it these days. I thought I would be overjoyed knowing that those embryos are back with me, but I'm just not feeling like I thought I would: pregnant. Nothing. Zip. And it's freaking me out. I feel like I can't say it out loud because everyone will chastize me for being too negative and if I start hearing that, I'll not only lose it, but I'll start to worry that I'm the reason it's not working. Like my mind poisoned my body somehow. I know the mind is a powerful thing, but I have to believe that it's not THAT powerful, because if it was why didn't it work the other way? If it's that powerful, why haven't the past two years of wishing and wishing to be pregnant made me pregnant?

I feel alone in a way that I can't even explain. I want to feel something. I need to feel something. Anything, any sign. Something.

Focusing on the positive...

R called the IVF lab yesterday to find out what happened with the embryos and he was able to talk to the lab’s Asst. Director for about 30 minutes. Because their policy is to not tell you the embryo grades while they are still fertilizing we had no idea how they were all doing, just that they were all still growing and reaching their milestones. It turns out that the two blasts that they transferred were both AA (the highest grade that blasts can be). The other two blasts were BB and the other 8 embryos didn't make it to full blast stage and so couldn't be graded or frozen. The lab’s policy is to not freeze anything below AA blasts, and so none were of the quality that they would have wanted to freeze, not even the other two that they didn’t transfer but that made it to blast stage. I was glad to hear that we were able to get two AA blasts, but part of me wishes that we could have known their grades before Day 5. It stinks that they told me that four made it to blast, but still only two were of a grade that were good enough to transfer and the other two couldn't even be frozen.

The Asst. Director told R that he honestly feels as though we made the right decision to wait for a day 5 transfer because even if we went with a day 3 transfer, we’d have no way of knowing which of those 12 embryos were the best grade; waiting until day 5 allowed us to ‘weed’ the less-than-great ones out. The Asst. Director felt that we would have ended up in the same exact position we were in if we had gone for a Day 3 transfer because the two that they would have chosen may not have been the two that eventually made it to AA blast. HE also said that by waiting until Day 5, we’ve increased our chance of success from the usual 48% chance to a 60% chance. R agreed that he’d rather have waited for the Day 5 and increase our chances to 60% than to have the unknown factor of wondering about the quality of what we transferred. Still, it’s very scary feeling like we have nothing to fall back on. Very, very frightening to think that we may have to do this all over again if this fails.

Right now I’m trying to focus all of my energy on encouraging these little ones to grow, grow, grow. Everyone that knows what I’m going through has been so supportive and it really, really helps. My friend from work, T, was so great this morning when I practically broke down telling her that we lost the remaining 10 embryos. She said that she believes that God has a perfect plan for me and that this is all going to work out somehow. I know she’s right but the journey there is so darned hard. Just so hard.

On a lighter note, one of the girls that I know from an on-line IVF community that I belong to brought up a good point. Right now I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise. Nice way to think about it.

In the meantime, keep all those positive thoughts coming. I need them more than you know.

Fertilization Report, Day 6 (aka The post-transfer report)

I just called the IVF lab and the report on the remaining 10 embryos is not good. There were none that were viable for freezing. None. I could just cry. I’m so scared now. If this doesn’t work we’ll have to do the whole thing over again.

Oh god. IVF is worse than I ever could have imagined.

Fertilization Report, Day 5 and Transfer!

It was a long night, I can tell you that. I must have woken up about ten times waiting for that sun to rise. E came into my room at about 6:15am, but at that point I was glad for the distraction. We took a shower together and ate some breakfast while I waited on pins and needles for the lab to call. At 7:01am, the embryologist called. My hands were shaking so much I could barely hold the phone. The report: FOUR embryos made it to day 5! Our transfer was booked! I was a little disconcerted by the low number, but she said that all 12 were still growing, but since four had gotten to blast stage, they were going to transfer two and culture the others until day 6 to see how many could be frozen. So, I spent the next ten minutes making all my phone calls: called R with an update, called work to fake sick and the Nanny to bring E to school. I quickly made E’s lunch, packed him up for school and drove him over to the Nanny’s house so she could bring him to school. Then I headed to the RE’s office to get pregnant.

I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room long before the IVF nurse came to fetch me. I changed into my waist-sheet and sat in the recovery area, joking with the nurses and waiting for the RE to finish another transfer before me. Finally, when it was my turn, the nurse came out to get me and we walked into the transfer room. The RE was already there, in scrubs and all. I hopped up onto the table and the nurse checked my bladder to see that it was nice and full. Then the RE and I went over the embryo report. Out of the 19 retrieved, 12 had made it to fertilization and four had made it to blast stage. He showed me pictures of the two that they had chosen for transfer and I couldn’t help but ooh-and-ahh just a little bit. There were my babies-to-be, after all! I have to say, they were two good-looking embryos. The other 10 embryos were still hanging on, with two additional ones getting to the blast stage and the other eight growing, but slowly. The RE said that they were going to culture them one day longer to see how many would be viable for freezing.

So, for one last time the RE tried to talk me out of transferring two back, but I told him that because we were still in that ‘unexplained infertility’ trap, I couldn’t give up on transferring two and he said that was fine. Normally if he agrees with you, he’ll say “I couldn’t agree more”, but this time he just said “alright then” and reminded me that I will have a 25% chance of having multiples. I told him I completely understood and we were willing to accept that chance. With that, the transfer began.

Now, it sounds a whole hell of a lot harder than it is, but an embryo transfer is just like an IUI and since we know I’m a pro at those, this was a breeze. The nurse put that damn freezing-cold ultrasound wand on my belly while the RE inserted the catheter to make sure it was getting into my cervix without a problem. Once he saw it was where it needed to be on the ultrasound, he told the embryologist to get the embryos. She left the room and went to the lab to fetch my babies-to-be. She came back with a small Petri dish lid and a catheter with the two embryos inside and then verified that my name and date of birth were correct. The RE attached that catheter to the one already in my cervix and then told me to watch the ultrasound screen. He told me to watch the two little white dots, and amazingly enough, I saw those two dots going right into my uterus. Those dots were my future babies and I actually got to see them go back where they belong. It was pretty wild.

So, that’s it. I’m officially semi-pregnant. Now we just have to wait another week or so until I can take a home test to see if these babies stick around. And I honestly believe they will. Think about it: if these two little embryos can survive in less than ideal conditions, like the incubation room at the lab, then I believe with all my heart that they’ll be strong enough to hang on and implant where they need to be. These kids are fighters, just like E was. I just have to keep my hopes alive. These babies will make it.

In Fertilization Limbo (aka Day 4)

Oh, this is Hell. Pure and utter HELL. I am a nervous freaking wreck. I can't even tell you how awful this waiting is. I took E to the local Children's Museum this morning to get my mind off everything, which worked pretty well. We got home just before lunch and when I checked the caller ID, I noticed that the IVF lab called but DIDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGE. I totally panicked. I kept thinking "Oh god, they wouldn't want to leave bad news on the machine. That's why they didn't leave a message. Oh god, oh god." I called them and asked if someone was looking for me. The girl pulled my chart and said "Oh, I called you. I don't have an embryo update, but I wanted to let you know that if the transfer does happen tomorrow, it will be really early, like 8:00am. Is that alright?" Of course, I said yes it would, but inside I'm flipping out. What does she mean IF it happens tomorrow? IF??? I asked her "So, there's no new news with the embryos, right?" and she answered "No, we don't even look at them on Day 4. We just leave them in the incubators until tomorrow when we check on them again." So technically she hasn't seen them and isn't holding back bad news from me. I know, I'm sick to think that way, but I'm freaking out here. I can't help it. I feel like my life as I know it is hanging in the balance. And the worst part is that R is in Chicago right now and can't talk me off the ledge.

Oh god, this is torture. I just want this over with. I want those little babies-to-be back where they're supposed to be. I can't take this waiting.

Fertilization Report, Day 3

Got my daily call from the IVF lab this morning and the news is great: all 12 have gone onto the 6 - 8 cell stage and are doing just what they should be doing. So now we've been cleared for a day 5 transfer. I asked the embryologist if she thought we would need to go to day 6 and she said that she's pretty sure that all 12 will get to the blast stage but she's not sure if we'll need a day 5 or day 6 transfer. If they are slow getting to blast stage, they'll wait until day 6.

I'm feeling better since all 12 got to Day 3, but still a little nervous about the next two days. Day 4 seems to be the biggest hurdle and the IVF lab doesn't call on Day 4. There's just nothing for them to report because of the way they develop, but it's going to freak me out knowing that I have to wait until Day 5 to see how my little ones are doing. I'm praying and praying that at least 10 get to Day 5 blast stage. I'd love to be able to transfer two and freeze the other 8, just in case we need to do this all over again.

I'm sure you don't need me to explain how much this is on my mind, but you would not believe the crazy dreams I had last night. I kept dreaming that the lab called and told me that only three made it to day 3. In my dream, I said to myself "this has to be a dream, this can't be happening. I have to wake up." And then I would wake up, in my dream, and it would happen all over again. When I finally DID really wake up, I was a nervous wreck. I was SO glad that the lab calls at 7:00am... it would have been torture to have to wait until the afternoon for another report!

So, for now, I'll keep praying for my little babies-to-be and willing them to grow stronger and stronger. Grow, babies, grow...

Fertilization Report, Day 2

The IVF lab called this morning to give us the embryo update. They called about three hours earlier than I expected, so it threw me off a little. Of course, what she had to tell me threw me off even more: all 12 of our embryos have made it to Day 2! The embryologist said that some of them were three cells, some were five cells but the majority were four-celled. She also said that this is exactly where they would expect them to be at this point. Holy COW! What fantastic news! I was really, really surprised and for a quick second I let myself just revel in the fact that this might actually work! I might be pregnant within the next week!!!

Now the next dilemma starts... when to do the transfer. The RE's office "policy" is that if you have 10 or more eggs that make it to Day 3, they wait it out until Day 5 to see if the embryos can get to the blastocyst stage. The theory is that if the embryos can make it to the blast stage, they'll have a higher likelihood of implanting and surviving. That's all fine and good, except that studies show that and average of 50% of embryos fail on Day 4, meaning that they don't get to the Day 5 blast stage. Remember this is an average... we could have none fail or we could have all fail. Which is why my RE's office only allows Day 5 transfers if you have more than ten. They figure that if you have that many that make it to the Day 5 stage, you're in good shape. Right now we have 12 embryos at Day 2.

This could all change, of course, with tomorrow's phone call from the lab. If three of our babies-to-be decide that they can't hold on and make it to Day 3, our decision is made for us. We'll have less than the ten-embryo-minimum for the Day 5 transfer protocol and I'll be putting two back tomorrow and freezing the other seven or so. BUT, if all 12 make it to Day 3, then we have the dilemma of waiting it out to Day 5 or calling our RE and begging for a Day 3 transfer. All the literature that I've read says that if you can hold out for a Day 5 transfer, it's worth the gamble. But in the same paragraph they say that the implantation rate is approximately the same for Day 3 versus Day 5 transfers. It's all so damn confusing.

I guess what it comes down to is are we willing to hang in there for another few days to see if they can survive? Part of me says hang in there, that if all 12 of these little embryos have made it to Day 2, it's worth seeing how many can make it to Day 5. Even if we lose 50%, we'd still have six left; two to transfer and four to freeze. The other part of me says that I've monkeyed around with nature enough now and I just want the two best put back where they belong. If we did that, we'd have ten Day 3 embryos to freeze versus four Day 5. R says to leave it up to the RE and let him make the decision, but personally he's leaning toward wanting a Day 3 transfer. Of course, his reasons are completely different than mine. He's leaving for Chicago on Monday morning and won't be back until later on Tuesday and he'd like to see this over and done with before he leaves so he'll have one less thing to worry about. Plus, I've already taken Monday off and have the Nanny coming to get E so that I can rest on Monday (which was originally supposed to be one day post transfer). Granted, it'll suck out loud (as far as my work) if I have to take Tuesday off, since I already took Monday. But I'll deal with it.

So, now we're just waiting for that phone call tomorrow morning. And in the meantime, I'm chanting 'grow, grow, grow' every waking second. Come on little ones, you can hang in there.

Fertilization Report, Day 1

I just called the IVF lab to get my fertilization report and we officially have 12 eggs fertilized! They divided the 19 eggs into two groups, 9 to be fertilized naturally and 10 for ICSI (where they inject one sperm into the egg). Out of the 9 to be fertilized naturally, 6 fertilized and three didn’t; for the ICSI group, 6 fertilized and 4 were immature and didn’t fertilized.

I will most likely have my transfer on Sunday, November 11. The RE didn’t even mention doing a 5 day transfer as an option and told DH to keep Sunday (day 3) open for the transfer. I’m finally starting to feel a little excited about our chances! Amazing to think that our genetic material is sitting in an incubator two miles away, waiting to be put back. So the first big hurdle has been passed… now if we can just get those soon-to-be-babies to grow where they’re supposed to grow, we’ll be home free.

The Fall harvest is complete!

The egg retrieval is over and done with! I went in yesterday morning at 8:15am and by 10:30am I was sitting in the recovery area, being wrapped in warmed blankets. Honestly, I don't remember a single thing. The last thing I remember was them having me move to the operating table and then I woke up in the recovery area with the nurse telling me that the RE was able to retrieve 19 eggs from the 21 follicles that were there. He was very pleased (and a little shocked!) with the high numbers. Now the first part of the waiting begins: the fertilization reports. I have to call the IVF lab this afternoon between 2:00pm and 4:00pm to see how many of our little eggs have made it past the first stage and have fertilized. I won’t deny that I am nervous as hell about it, especially since we don’t know the reason why I can’t get pregnant. It’s entirely possible that my eggs aren’t able to be fertilized and that’s why all the IUIs failed, so a whole hell of a lot depends on this fertilization report.

So, while we’re on the subject, here’s the plan for the next few days. If everything goes well and we have a decent fertilization rate, the RE will put the two best embryos back on Sunday morning. In the meantime, we have to wait to see how they progress. Today is Day 1: they have to form into two-celled pronuclei this afternoon. Tomorrow, on Day 2, they have to convert to four-celled embryos. On Day 3, they want to see them formed with either seven or eight cells and if that happens, we’ll be all set for the transfer. A very small percentage (around 5%) of women wait until Day 5 when the embryos have 100 cells in them and are now called blastocysts. The RE already told R and I to plan on a Day 3 transfer, so we’ll probably stick with that. There’s no real documentation that a Day 3 is better than a Day 5 transfer and some doctors say that the embryos are better off getting to where they need to be earlier instead of sitting in a Petri dish until Day 5.

The transfer is a heck of a lot easier than the retrieval. In fact, it’s very similar to an IUI except that they’re putting embryos into the uterus instead of just washed sperm.

And then the real painful part begins: waiting for the blood test. My beta is scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving, November 23. I’m trying very hard not to take the fact that 23 is my ‘lucky’ number into account.

Even chickens don't even have this many eggs...

What a difference a few addtional days can make. The follicle count is somewhere near 21 or above. I've lost count. I was so tired and dazed at the RE's office yesterday that I actually lost count. The biggest one was an 18mm with a few 16 and 15mm ones lined up. That, along with my estrogen being over 3400, was enough for the RE to schedule my egg retrieval. The grand event will take place on Thursday, November 8 at 8:15am. So last night was my last injection, hopefully for a very, very long time. I’ve been pretty sore the last few days, probably due to that fact that my ovaries are about four times their normal size. My back is just killing me but I can’t figure out if I pulled something or if it’s egg related. Add to that the fact that my boobs are about as sore as you can imagine and you have one tired, sore momma-to-be.

I’m praying for a good retrieval count. Even with 21 follicles, it’s very unlikely that all of them will contain viable eggs. I’m still praying for at least 12 good eggs, but we’ll find out tomorrow. I have to ignore that little worried voice inside my head and keep myself positive. I’m scared that all those follicles will be empty or that the eggs won’t be of decent quality. I’m also scared that something is wrong with our fertilization and then I start worrying that nothing will fertilize even if we do have good eggs. It’s all enough to drive me batty.

I just have to keep my hopes up and concentrate on the fact that THIS WILL WORK. It will. It has to.

Shhh… they’re listening

I think my right ovary was upset that I called it lazy yesterday. In the last 24 hours, four more follicles have appeared on the right and we’re now at seven total on the right ovary and a whopping 11 on the left ovary with three more biding their time. That makes the grand total right now is 18, with an additional three measuring less than 10mm. So it’s entirely possible that I’ll reach 21 follicles, not the 12 I was thinking about. Maybe my dyslexic mind swapped the numbers and thought 21 instead of 12.

I’ve been trying not to read too much into any of this right now, but I’m starting to get a little excited about it. 21 follicles is a good number. If we could have at least half of them fertilize, I would be ecstatic. I’m trying to ignore the little worries and fears that keep popping up in my head: what if they’re all empty? Can that even happen??? What if none of them fertilize? What if… god, I can’t even think it. This will work. It WILL work.

I’ve been taking the advice of all the books I read (before I instituted the No-IVF books ban, of course) and I’ve been pampering myself as much as possible. I went out and got a new haircut, my nails polished and I even bought two new pairs of shoes with the refund money that Rick got when the dry cleaner caught my skirt on fire. One of these pairs is a sassy little red pair that I cannot wait to wear. I’ve never owned a pair of red shoes before. I’m feeling almost, dare I say, girly. Oh dear. If I start spending more than my usual three minutes on my hair, someone please snap me out of it.

Keep 'em comin'

The ultrasound this morning found four more follicles lining up with the rest. I still only have three on my lazy right ovary, but my left is just producing them by leaps and bounds. I now have nine on my left ovary with four more waiting and three on my right with three more waiting. So, the number right now is 12, with seven more possible. It's funny, but I had set myself a goal of 12 and that's right where we're at. As if my 'goal' really has any bearing on what my ovaries are doing. Still, it makes me feel a little better that the numbers are growing and that I wasn't completely crazy with the lofty goal of at least 12 to harvest. I'm still nervous about the fact that my right ovary is being so lazy, and the fact that my estrogen seems to be staying low, but I have to just take one day at a time right now and hope for the best outcome possible: a baby.

As for timing, right now I'm at the beck and call of the ovaries and their follicle friends. The RE was hoping to do the harvest (AKA egg retrieval) on Wednesday, November 7 but I'm not sure when it'll happen since my ovaries seem to be taking their sweet time. Here's how it plays out: they want the follicles to be around 20mm before they will harvest the eggs. Follicles grow between 1mm and 2mm per day and the biggest one I have right now is about a 14 or so. So, that would give me at least three more days (2mm per day for three days to get to 20mm total), but since the largest is 14, they may wait a little longer to wait to see when the others will catch up. So, at the very least I have three more days before the retrieval, but it'll probably be more like five days.

Did I mention that I'm so bloated that I have to walk around the house with my pants unbuttoned? Fun, fun, fun!

The more, the merrier! (Tell it to the ovaries, baby)

Today's daily probing and poking was much more productive... or should I say reproductive? Either way, it was better news. The nurse was able to find five follicles on my left ovary (with up to four or five more hiding out) and three on my right (with two more waiting in the wings). So, as of right now I have eight developing with up to seven more waiting; 15 potential eggs. Much better news than Wednesday!

Of course, I wouldn't be me without some bad news to temper the good: my lining is still very thin. Oh, come on. I know you’re not surprised. The nurse said that the RE would most likely want me to start the Estrace tablets again in the next few days to build up the lining. I asked her if it would interfere with my follicle development, since the last time I took estrogen I didn’t ovulate at all. She said “We’re not worried about you ovulating now.”, which is true, but she said that it shouldn't affect the follicles at all. Shouldn’t. I hate that word. I really do. I would prefer “won’t”, but I’ll have to take what I can get.

The bloodwork on Wednesday wasn’t much to admire either. The nurse that called that afternoon told me the E2 had risen to 149 which isn’t great. Of course, this could have a lot to do with the thin lining. The good part is that the Estrace seemed to work for me last time around, plumping the lining up to a passable 7.4mm. The bad part is that I’ll be leaking blue again for the rest of the week. Oh, the joy of infertility!

As for other side effects, I’m dealing. The headache is gone and the cramps and sore belly has started (mostly due to my ovaries being inflated like little fertility balloons), but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Not yet at least.

All aboard, once again…

The rollercoaster has officially started again. I went in for my first ultrasound after starting the Follistim and the nurse didn’t find a single follicle to measure. Not one. She did find ‘multiple’ less than 10mm in both ovaries but nothing that seems to want to develop into eggs. This is not good news. In fact, it’s terrible news. After five days of the stimulation injections, I have nothing growing. I am trying so hard to hold it together at work, but every time I think about it I get tears in my eyes. Who would have thought after having such a great response to all the IUI meds that I would be in this situation? I asked the nurse if this was normal and she said that it happens ‘sometimes’. She also said that I have the ‘potential’ of getting some follicles to grow, but that we’ll have to wait to see what the blood work says. So it’s now all in the hands of my estrogen.

To top it off, I’ve been feeling much more moody and cranky the past two days. I’m sure it’s hormones, but it’s not helping matters. I finally got around to making this soup that I’ve been dying to try in the crockpot yesterday. I started it in the morning before work, which made me late for work, but the idea of having dinner ready and waiting when I got home was worth it, only to discover when I got home that I had plugged in the blender, not the crock pot. Talk about meltdown. Yes, I cried over soup. I was so frustrated and it was one more thing to add to the ever-growing list that of things that I seem to be failing at lately.

To make matters worse, I've started bruising like you wouldn't believe from all the shots. The shot this morning immediately turned black within an hour and I still have at least five more days, possibly more of the injections.

I hate this. I hate the rollercoaster of the injections, the fears that it won’t work, the side-effects, the constant worrying. Some people have no idea how easy they have it. IVF is on my mind every second that I breathe. I even dream about it now. It is all-consuming and it is beyond terrible. R says he's trying to be hopeful for both of us, but I worry that we're beyond hope.

I feel like I am trapped in hell.

All (reproductive) systems go!

The baseline went well yesterday. No cysts on either ovary and my stripe was thin. The nurse did find four follicles less than 10mm on my right ovary and multiple less than 10mm on my left ovary, but she said that was normal. I'm hoping that it's a good sign of things to come in the next few weeks. I'll be a little scared if I only get four eggs on each side. It's sad to think that just a few months ago I would have been estatic to have four follicles total. These days the numbers game takes a greater significance: more equals better. I'm hoping for at least 12 follicles total. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up either way, but 12 seems like a nice number right now.

So, now that they have confirmed that everything is quiet on the reproductive front, I've been given the go-ahead to start the next round of injections. I start my second daily injection on Saturday and it will be 225 units of Follistim taken between 7:00pm and 9:00pm every night. On that same day they want me to reduce the amount of Lupron to 5 units taken between 7:00am and 9:00am. So, basically for the next two weeks I have to take some sort of shot every 12 hours. My next ultrasound is scheduled for Halloween morning. And then the real worrying begins.

The flood damage is still being calculated. The adjuster got the estimate from the contractor yesterday and he thought it was too low, so he's making the contractor submit another estimate. We're still looking at about $40,000 worth of construction and $10,000 worth of clean-up. Luckily, everyone wants to move fast on this one, so it's not nearly the hassle it normally would be. I'm sure it'll start to be a bother once we need to pick out cabinets, carpets, flooring and the other little details.

E has been in a rare mood the past few days. He's chatting up such a storm that it's almost dizzying sometimes. Yesterday, during our ride home, he says to me "Momma, did you know that NBC News is the world's news leader?" I am not kidding you. I really need to stop that kid from watching the news.

The half-way mark... sort of.

Two weeks of Lupron injections are starting to take their toll. I’m more tired than usual and I’ve started to get the beginnings of menopause symptoms. Oh joy. The RE’s nurse said to expect them, but it’s still unnerving to have hot flashes and insomnia at my age. I’ve also started to have the lovely symptom of ‘vaginal dryness’ which, as you can imagine, is not so much fun. In fact it’s irritating. Literally. Laugh all you want, but at least when I go into menopause I’ll be fully aware of what life is going to be like. See? There’s that pesky silver lining again.

I will admit I’ve also been feeling more moody than usual. After feeling so positive and upbeat about our IVF journey it’s hard when I slip back into the doubting and fearful side of it. I’ve been trying to regain my positive footing but my hormones are playing their ugly tricks. So, I’ve been trying to pamper myself whenever possible. I did realize that the downward slide happened after I stupidly searched online for IVF blogs to see what other people have gone through. Stupid, stupid mistake. For every good success story I found there was another miscarriage or failed IVF attempt. I vowed to myself to stop researching and this is exactly the reason why: whenever I read personal stories, I start to doubt myself and my own process. It felt better to know that’s what dragged me down, but still doesn’t help to prop me back up. It was a good reminder of why I shouldn’t keep reading other people’s stories; they aren’t me.

Tomorrow I have my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Then, as long as everything is calmed down and the ovaries are quiet, I’ll start the stimulation medications on Friday. Tomorrow marks the half-way point of this cycle. Well, sort of. It’s the halfway point to the retrieval and transfer… and then we have the excruciating two week wait until the pregnancy test. Which I’m sure will just drag, drag, drag by. Funny how sometimes two weeks will just fly and then other times two weeks drags. It’s going to take all my will power to get through each day.

Life is what happens when… well, it just happens.

As if there wasn’t enough going on these days, God has decided to throw me another curve ball. Or maybe it’s the Fates. I don’t know. But whatever it is, it has a funny sense of humor.

R called me at work yesterday and said “Are you sitting down? Unit D is off the market.” If I haven’t mentioned it before, we own four townhouse units with R’s best friend (J) and his wife (E, but we’ll call her EV). We live in one unit, J and EV live in another and we rent the other two units out. About a year ago, we put Unit C and D on the market so that we could get out of the landlord business and start to build our own nest egg to buy another house. So, the units have been empty for about a year, but since we live on the property, we check them out every weekend or so. With that background in mind, the story continues… R tells me that something happened to the toilet upstairs in Unit D and it leaked water. Ok. It didn’t really leak water, it more like gushed water. All over the house. The ‘leak’ was so bad that it collapsed the kitchen ceiling below it. And warped the flooring in the bathroom, the kitchen, soaked the carpets through the entire house, shorted out the light fixtures, and then poured into the basement. The house looks like the apocalypse. R and I spent the rest of the afternoon calling the insurance agent, the adjuster, contractors and a water restoration company to come to start cleaning up the damage. They set up about 12 fans and two huge dehumidifiers to start drying the place out. They later told R that they think the kitchen cabinets and countertops will have to be replaced as well. The adjuster came this morning and told R that he wants us to get a quote from the contractor and he’s estimating that the costs are going to run…take a deep breath… $50,000. And no. I’m not joking.

Trying to remain positive about this, I remember three things: no one was hurt. The house didn’t catch fire even though the water got into the electrical system. We have insurance.

There’s always a silver lining, right? I’m getting good at finding it these days.

One week down, one to go

It's Wednesday. Jeepers, it's Wednesday! I had a conference to attend the past two days so this week just feels more than half over. I used to love professional conferences when I was 'just an assistant' because they got me out of the office and into something different for a few days. Not any more. Now all I think about it the work that it piled up on my desk, waiting for me. I even stayed late last Friday to catch up on some work and was actually HAPPY to have done so. For a brief minute I felt like I had a grip on my workload... and then I went to a conference. And now my desk is buried again. And I'm blogging instead of writing. Or are you already pointing that out as you read this? Smart ass.

Not much new to report from the IVF-front. I'm still doing the daily injections and getting used to having to jab my stomach once a day. I seem to always bruise when I inject my left side but not my right. Very strange. Still, even though I'm bruising, none of the injection sites are hurting, so I worry sometimes I'm not doing something right. I'm also not really getting any side effects other than being tired, tired, tired at the end of the day. But that could be because I'm not sleeping well because of that pulled muscle in my neck. These days anything could be a side effect, right?

I'm still in good spirits about everything, but I'll admit, I'm wary about seeing other pregnant women. I try to keep my distance but it's more of a tolerance than an outright acceptance. I'm working on it.